Today is 14 dpo. I decided to test today. I know I ovulated, my temps were high, and I started to feel how I felt on my pregnancy cycle - in the early days. So, I was feeling somewhat hopeful, though I tried to not be too hopeful. The test was negative. Completely negative. So now I wait for AF and will start injects again.

I'm still here! I'm fine. This was my "break" month in a way because of the cysts. I really didn't have anything to say, which is why no posts!

Had an appointment a few weeks ago and my cysts had gone down, was taken off pelvic rest. I'm pretty sure I ovulated, but my chart is funky so I'm not sure when I ovulated. Pretty sure if my temp stays up it will give cross hairs in the WRONG place. I'll be ordering my injects for next cycle soon, sometime this week.

jpsully:

You probably did O *some* of the eggs, but not the ones that turned into cysts - that's my understanding.

Had my ultrasound today. Bad news - cysts! I don't know how many I had, but I think it was more than 2! However, I did find out from the wonderful ladies at Lounge Place, that you get a cyst when the follie doesn't ovulate. So, that really makes me feel better. It was awful to think I had 9 eggs, 59 million sperm and nothing.

So, I'm taking this month off. I'm currently on "pelvic rest" which means no sex, and - even worse - no tampons!! I really hope af stops SOON. I do not like pads. I am going back in 1 week to see how the cysts are doing and so I can hopefully get off pelvic rest. My RE said I could still ovulate this cycle, so we may still have a chance - if I ovulate on my own. I have ovulated the first 2 months of metformin, so it is a possibility!

Negative. NEGATIVE! WTF?? I had 9 follies and 59 million sperm! My RE couldn't believe it either. This sucks. It is SO unfair. How the hell do I get pregnant last cycle, with Oing late, ONE day of bding. Sure, it ended in chemical, but I still got pg. Now this cycle, 9 follies, IUI and NOTHING?!? I just feel like everything in the universe is working against me.

B-Day

Yes, it's Beta Day! I'm extremely nervous! Now I sort of wish I had an HPT laying around. I can't believe how nervous I am.

Great. Just lovely! A student asked me today if I was pregnant! Now, I've gotten this before, but it comes at a time where I AM bloated from the injects and I'm having that ovary issue, and I think I do look pregnant because of the bloat and a little extra weight I'm carrying. Of course I would love to say all this, but I can't, especially since it was a 7th grader! So I just glared at her and said, "No, I'm not" Now, I will give her this: her reaction was good. I've had students who didn't get that it was rude to ask that. But this student did say sorry and then said something else I blocked out because I tried to ignore her after that! It seems like in every two week wait, somebody asks some inappropriate question.

My last two week wait, a consultant I work with (who comes into town about 4 times a year) asked me how my baby was doing. I said, "Um, I don't have any kids" and he swore I did. All the time I was thinking, "HOPEFULLY I'm pregnant, but why the hell did you have to say that??"

The other day I was feeling hopeful about this cycle, I mean, 9 eggs!! But now I'm feeling less hopeful, and I don't want to get my hopes up. It's no fun when they get crushed.

5 more days.

I heard back from my nurse! She said it sounded like normal symptoms after injects. She said if the symptoms get worse, call, but since they are getting better it is probably ok. I just wish it would go away! It is a real pain (literally) to deal with, especially at work! Good thing I'm not in the classroom anymore!

One more week until my beta!

A few days ago, I was having some discomfort - I could feel my uterus. Didn't really hurt, but wasn't the most comfortable. So I got some advice and started drinking more fluids. That seemed to do the trick and it went away. Yesterday, I was pretty much fine. Then at night I started having some sharp pains in my ovary area, but thought nothing of it. Now today. My right side has been hurting all day. The worst is when I go to stand up, or I move funny. I had a cyst (and it actually ruptured) back in high school, and this is sort of what it feels like. So, I'm not too happy. If it doesn't get better, I'm calling the doc on Monday. I just hope it doesn't get worse! I know discomfort is normal, but I'm so worried about cysts or anything else!

This great site was posted on Lounge Place, and I thought I'd share it! This is a great resource to send your friends and family to. It informs them about infertility and even tells them not to tell you to relax!

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

I tried making it into a link, but when I did that, it didn't show up at all. Not sure what's going on there, so you will just have to copy and paste!

I'm a little nervous! I went in for the IUI, and the RE did an ultrasound. It looks like I have 9 follies that will ovulate! 9! She said she was a little nervous, but went ahead with the IUI. She also told me that in 17 years of doing this, she has only had 1 set of quints and 1 set of quads. So, that is better than if she had a LOT. She also said she would be surprised if I DIDN'T get pregnant this cycle. She also banned us from having sex. But, as soon as I saw 9 I thought to myself, "No way we are having sex!" Especially when his post wash was 59 million.

I just keep worrying, and I shouldn't. I SHOULD trust her. She is the professional. It doesn't help that everywhere online I look, other doctors cancel at 6. Which I do think is really conservative. I just hope only 1 or 2 take.

Triggered

Yes, I am up at 3 am writing this! I just had to do my trigger inject. I am SO glad I looked it up online to see if I could let the inject be room temp! The pharmacy said to refrigerate so I thought I would have to use it straight out of the fridge. That would have hurt! But it said that you can store it for up to 1 month as long as you use it within that month. So I set it out before going to bed. Going in, it started to sting a tiny bit, but I just went slower and it was fine. It definitely would have hurt if it was cold!

So now, no more injects today, and then Monday afternoon, I go in for the IUI!

I had a good RE appointment today! I'm going to have probably 6-7 good eggs. I'm a little nervous about it, but my RE seemed ok with it. She said twins are fine, but anything more is not - and I agree! She also said the clinic only has to do 1 selective reduction a year, so that is good too.

So anyway, tonight I am only doing Ganirelix, since I am responding SO well to Follistim and I don't need any more! My largest follie is 19. I have an 18 I think and a few 17. Tomorrow night I do Ganirelix and then at 3 am (yes, 3 AM!) I trigger! Monday I have my IUI at 3:00 pm. I'm excited! I'm really excited that I got to schedule a beta and so I won't have to POAS!! I know not everyone will understand my excitement at NOT peeing on a stick, but some of you can! I would rather not get my hopes up by seeing 2 pink lines. Or even worse - the word "pregnant" on it and then it turning out badly.

I am excited, and a bit nervous, for Monday!

So the Ganirelix did not hurt one bit tonight! I was able to do it quick. Now the funny part is, the Follistim did hurt a little! Now that I look at where I did it, I think I may have done it too close to where I hit the blood vessel. I thought I was far enough away, but it looks like I am pretty close. But honestly, it didn't hurt THAT bad. And I am a wimp. I really hope my blog can be reassuring to anyone who is scared of doing injects. I am a total wimp, and I can do it!

I have more blood work and an ultra sound in the morning! I'm hoping I will trigger soon! I'm a little worried since I'm not sure if I got my dose of Follistim! The directions said that if you run out, the plunger will stop and you can just see how much more you need, and put in a new cartridge. Well, the plunger didn't stop. But then I did the math and it doesn't add up. I had a 600 IU cartridge and have used 625 IU. But, there is no way I'm giving myself more just in case! I guess the worst that will happen is that my follies don't grow enough and I have an extra day of injects.

So I had an ultrasound yesterday and today! Yesterday, they told me to start Ganirelix, and I was freaked because it is a new sort of shot and I was just freaking myself out. Well, it was no big deal! Today I went in and it looks like I'll have 5 good eggs. My largest one is 14 right now and the other big ones are from 11-13. I will go in Friday for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. I told the PA that I only have 4 days of Ganirelix left, and she said that was fine, so I'm thinking that I will trigger soon!

I'm really excited for this cycle. Even though I'm still depressed about the miscarriage, it does make me more excited for this cycle because I know I CAN get pregnant. I'm going to have more targets for the spermies and I'm doing IUI, so that ups the chances as well.I'm in a much better place than I was last weekend.

I totally freaked myself out this weekend! Saturday night was my second night of injects. I stuck myself, and it hurt more than the previous night, but still not bad. Well, about an hour later I look down and I have a gigantic bruise, only it didn't really look like a bruise to me! It was swollen a little and looked awful. On top of that, I was feeling nauseous (I also felt nauseous the first night). I often freak out at things and think the worst is happening, so naturally, I thought was dying!

The next day I called the doc and unfortunately, my doc was not on call. So the other one called me back and first he had no idea about the nausea. Said he had never heard of that before. Sigh. Then, he said bruising was normal but if it gets worse or I want them to see it, go in. So he was really not much help. Oh, and he pretty much said the nausea was in my head - which is WAS NOT. So of course I went right over to Lounge Place and asked about these symptoms. I swear, sometimes the doctors just aren't the best to get info from ;) Anyway, as usual, the ladies there were SO helpful, and nausea IS one of the side effects, it says on the Follistim web page even! But they made me feel a lot better!

I had a feeling I would react strongly to the meds. I got a call from my doctor today, I had gone in for blood work, and yes, I indeed was responding VERY well! So they told me to dial down my dose from 125 to 50! And I am going in tomorrow for my ultrasound instead of Wednesday. I just hope I don't have TOO many follies!

I did it! I actually injected myself last night! I am probably the biggest chicken in the world. I am really proud of myself because I never thought I would be able to inject myself! It was pretty funny, AFTER the fact, of course, not during. It took me about 30 min. of lying there with my pinched belly skin between my fingers and the needle pointed at it before I could actually do it. So many times I almost did it, then stopped myself. So finally, I did do it, and it was NOTHING! I didn't even feel it!

So I will inject myself each night. Monday I go in for blood work, then Wednesday I go in for blood work and an ultrasound. I'm just hoping I don't prode too MANY eggs. I know that can happen in PCOS women.

Thanks for the comments everyone! They were nice to hear :)

Yesterday, I was pretty much fine all day. Went to the RE, had an ultrasound, everything is fine for injects! So, I start them tonight. I'm nervous. But, I'll get through it.

I was actually feeling a bit odd yesterday because I was so FINE. I took yesterday off of work (as well as half of Wed.) and felt bad since I was doing fine. Well, today I went in and it was really hard. It's so weird because I will be fine and then all of a sudden- out of nowhere- I will start tearing up! I was in a meeting all day so that was rough. I came home at lunch and while I was eating, just started crying. My hubby was there and that was nice. He actually said that yesterday he was shocked at how ok I was. Of course, today not good.

Then, things kept coming up. I was talking to a colleague and mentioned it was my b-day, she asked how old I was (she thought I was much younger, that is what started this), and then she asked me, "So are you at a place right now where you hoped/thought you'd be at by this point in your life?" Wow, it took me all I had to NOT start crying. She had no idea just what she was asking. I wanted to scream, "NO! I thought I'd have a BABY right now! But even that got taken away from me!" Of course I didn't and somehow managed to keep it together. Then, at the end of the day one of the consultants of course mention how she will be returning to New Zealand because her sister or someone just had a baby! And actually had it today! I was the only person NOT smiling when she said this. That was awful. But I made it. Now, I have to make it through my injects, which I know I will, and actually now it doesn't seem AS scary as it did before I got that + pregnancy test. I can deal with a little bit of physical pain. It will last 2 seconds, and actually hopefully get me a lifetime of happiness in the end. Hopefully.

I'm trying to stay positive. It's pretty hard, especially for me. And really, yes, I can think some positive thoughts about the situation, but dammit, this hurts!! You know, I used to think that it was awful because I had never even seen a positive pregnancy test. Having a positive test only later to have it ripped away from you, is hard. The hardest thing I've had to go through yet. Now I'm not saying that constantly getting a negative test is any better. They are both awful. But there is something heartbreaking about having this ray of hope that, yes! I finally got pregnant! How wonderful! And then a few days later being told that I am barely pregnant?? Heartbreaking. Even worse is when the flow started. Feeling the horrible cramps - worse than any regular AF I've had - knowing that these cramps are pushing your little bean out, just heartbreaking. Then seeing the red, bright red, on the toilet paper, knowing it is over. There are no words for what I'm feeling.

I really intended to talk about the positives when I started writing, but that's not what came out. So, the positives. At least we know we can get pregnant. I know that now doing injects and IUI, we will really have a good chance, since we did get pregnant this time. I am thankful in a weird way that I have a diagnosis of PCOS and now that I know I can get pregnant. Even though it hurts.

As I've been thinking about things all throughout today, I realized that this experience has changed me. I was in class tonight, and my friend was stressed out about assignments we had - on top of everything at work - and I just thought, so what? Really, class is not stressful, because there are more important things in life. I remember just last week I was really upset because I didn't get as good of an evaluation on my teaching performance for class as I'd hoped - I'm a perfectionist and I was really hoping for a near perfect score. My score was actually quite good, but I got so upset. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, that score didn't seem so important. And now - well it really is not that important to me anymore. Before, I was always worried about what other people thought of me, and sometimes that could hurt me. I was easily intimidated by people and sometimes would be nicer than I should be because I didn't want anyone to not like me. But I think that is changing also. There is a situation at work, and I've been nice to this person who is giving me hell. Now, I'm done with that. I don't care what she thinks of me. And what good is it to stress about everything? I used to stress about every little thing. Now, it just doesn't seem like I should stress. It's not worth my energy to stress. There are more important things to do. I can't always be the best at everything I do, obviously. I didn't get pregnant right away, and I couldn't even keep one. I know it's not my fault - I'm sure the egg quality wasn't the greatest since I ovulated late, or the sperm wasn't ideal, or some other chromosomal issue, but I have felt like a failure, and less of a woman. But now I am realizing that it isn't going to work out perfect, and therefore, not everything in my life has to be perfect.

As my friend was freaking out over assignments, I really had to keep myself from laughing at her though. All I could think was, um, you are stressing over ASSIGNMENTS. ASSIGNMENTS! For crying out loud!! You will get them done and it will be fine!! I just lost a LIFE! Assignments, work? Give me a break! So unimportant comparatively!

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the RE for an ultrasound to get the go ahead to start my injects cycle. I think not taking a month off is best. It gives me something to look forward to, instead of just being depressed about things that have already happened.

It's Over - Worst Birthday Ever

My Birthday was yesterday. Worst birthday ever.

On my way to getting my blood drawn, I started having really bad cramps. By that point, with everything else I knew it was over. At the office, of course I had to wait a long time before they called me which really was awful since I was about to lose it.

Finally I get called and the same person who drew my blood last time was there. She said, "Weren't you just in here a couple days ago?" Um, yeah! I'm thinking: don't you know anything about HcG draws?? You work in a lab!! It took forever for my blood to fill the two vials. Finally, I went back to work, but knew I had to go home. Good thing I did because I started AF. That was tough. And I've been having really bad cramps all day. So bad ibuprofin isn't even really helping.

I had my husband call the RE to ask about what happens next, and if I can start the injects cycle. I'm hoping they call before I have to go to class tonight.

Thanks for all of your well-wishes, it means a lot.