Friday, January 23, 2009

Just to warn you ahead of time, this is a vent. A vent about DH. I don't really think I want advice or anything, I just need to vent.

It has been pretty tough with DH. Things would get better for awhile, then worse. With the move, came worse times. We are both working full time and DH works overtime on Saturdays. I've been working a little overtime too- not too much though. Between that and taking care of the girls, we never see each other and it is stressful.

The first rough time came with the move. After we got everything moved to the new house, he felt like I was doing nothing. Truth was, I was taking care of the girls at night. I unpacked as much as I could- as much as the girls would allow. And of course, being in a new place, they were pretty fussy. So we had a big blow out and I thought he understood that when I get home I have almost no time until after the girls go to bed at 6. Or 6:30 or later if they are fussy. Then I eat dinner, have about an hour if I'm lucky and fall asleep. Can't forget the middle of the night wakings! I have to deal with those as well.

So I thought we had things worked out, I was really trying to be nicer, and really trying. Well, today was crap! He had the nerve to ask me if he could purchase supplies to build his lizard a new enclosure and put it in the garage! Remember, he already has tons of snakes- which I am deathly afraid of. We have had a million conversations and the deal was he would get 1 room for his snakes. Well, right before we moved, before the house closed, he wanted a lizard. When he said "lizard" I thought he meant little. Lizard. Like a gecko or something. He brought it home and it was a monitor. Yep, smart on his part for not saying "Monitor lizard" because he knew I knew what those were. Anyway, it was going to be fine because it was going in the snake room.

Except that didn't work out because the lizard got sick. Of course it got sick because he bought it from the reptile shop he said he'd never shop at again- because the last thing he got from them was also sick. So, this lizard is in the guest bedroom. It has gone to the vet twince. Bye-Bye $50 that we need. Never mind that I have no clothes. Never mind that the girls need new clothes. So he found out he needed to put top soil in the cage. The first kind he bought stunk. And I mean REALLY stunk. Even with the door closed! He bought a new kind, which also smells, but not as bad. But it still sticks.

So today he has the nerve to ask to buy stuff- and remember we literally have NO money- to build this thing a new enclosure. I guess he thought I would like it in the garage, but no! This was not the deal! I am SO sick of it because it is always something else. He always says, "This is it! No more cages, no more supplies" and I buy it. A couple months later he has to buy more stuff for the stinking reptiles.

I don't care about the snakes- they are in that room, I don't see them, I have given up on that. But there is always something else. And it is like he has no respect for ME. Does he ever do anything nice for me? Does he ever say, oh go out and do something nice for yourself. I'll take the girls. Nope. Does he ever randomly get me some gift- nothing fancy, doesn't even have to cost anything! A nice note would be nice. But no. I seem to be last on his list. And I am sick of it.

After I got mad about the lizard- and I was pissed. I asked if he hed the girls. No, he hadn't. And it was 3:00. He doesn't quite like to stick to the schedule as much. Well, because I was mad I told him to feed them. No, I wasn't that nice because I was mad. Well, that just made him mad. According to him, I am ALWAYS mean to him. My tone is always bad. Sure, I admit, sometimes I am very matter of fact- especially when things need to get done. It's not that I'm trying to be mean, it just needs to get done.

What is really funny is that he doesn't like to be told what to do, but if I don't say anything, he complains that he didn't know what to do! I can't win! Also, awhile ago we had the agreement that when I got "that tone" he would NICELY tell me I ws doing that. He never did. He prefers to just get mad at me.

The other thing that really infuriates me is that he won't talk to me. We were mad at each other today and he just starts ignoring me. I CAN'T STAND THAT! At least talk to me. Finally he told me not to talk to me. No, actually, he told me to shut up. Nice. So, he never talks to me about any problems we have, and then he goes and blows up at me and then ignores me. Real healthy. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have TRIED. He only sees things from his perspective and he is always the one who has been wronged. He can never see how he hurts ME.

I hate to say it, but he reminds me of my dad. I don't think I've ever talked about him on here, but I did not have a good relationship at all with him. And even though I know they always say you find someone like your dad, or if you have alcoholic parents (which I did) you tend to find alcoholics or other people with something wrong with them. And yeah, that seems to be true. Granted, DH is not at all as bad as my dad. Usually, DH is great! But this problem we have is really getting to me. We need to fix it. And he just doesn't want to seem to. I'm not even sure how to fix it, but it needs to be fixed.

I'm willing to see my faults and try to correct them. He needs to do the same.


Anonymous said...

I know you didn't ask.. but I think you guys need to see a counselor. It can do a world of good. Do it for the girls. I can appreciate your frustration with him, but I can also "hear" that you don't see your role in it as being as significant as his in the issues that come up.

Yeah, yeah... opinions are like a**holes.. everyone's got one.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you are going through this. This may seem odd but as another twin mom with 9 month old boys something that has helped me was learning that the incidence of divorce is higher in families with multiples. Learning that was like a light bulb that has helped me step back and recognize the stress on our relationships that we handle that most people can't even grasp. You and your DH are amazing for working full time and caring for your girls. Not to mention handling the move on top of it all. Hang in there and you'll find a way to communicate accross the divide again and come out stronger for it.

Nic said...

This sounds very much like a man thing! I know that saounds sexist and I dont mean it to be, its just that my DH is the same, not as bad by the sounds of it but he gets mad and ignores me when I get that tone and wont talk to me. I know you guys have no money but maybe you should have a day of just the two of you so you can sit and talk without any interuptions, any family who would be willing to have the girls for a day. You two need to talk to each other! Hope things get better.

Hilary said...

hang in there..remember tomorrow is a new day right?....

Anonymous said...

This sounds like the beginning stages of death throes for a marriage. You 2 have no respect for one another. It is easy to see that you do not as you are the writer, but you give enough examples that show he also takes you for granted. Let me see, three guesses. Nope, I only need one. You were one of those couples who lived together before you got married? Right? I bet I am. Living together is about disrespect for commitment and responsibility. Now that you have the girls it has come to the surface. Neither one of you feel the responsibility. You are angry that the other one won't step up but you won't do it yourself. You are both pouting about the other instead of FIXING YOURSELVES. Unless you both get individual counseling AS WELL AS couples counseling, these girls are doomed to coming from a dysfunctional home and probably a broken marriage. You are through the hardest part of babyhood and you are still nitpiking at one another and acting like teens with no other responsibilities. You put your job ahead of being a compassionate wife, mother, and creator of a safe place to fall for your family. It is your job to take care of their needs, make their home cozy and their meals nutritious. It is your job to put that ahead of your career. As for your husband, it is his job to provide so you can do these things. It is his job to put away his toys (creatures) and be a man who sacrfices for his families needs over his juvenile wants. He needs to be working 2 jobs instead of playing with snakes.

For these beautiful girls' sakes, please get your priorities straight, both of you, or we are going to be reading of divorce, separation, or a lifetime of anger on this blog.

Anonymous said...

Lighten up Chicken Little, aka Anon #3, it's not your place to judge and your sarcasm makes you sound like an idiot.

Ash, Cat, Kyan and Nakia said...

H, I am thinking and praying for you and DH. I <3 you.