Sunday, April 29, 2007


Yes, I am up at 3 am writing this! I just had to do my trigger inject. I am SO glad I looked it up online to see if I could let the inject be room temp! The pharmacy said to refrigerate so I thought I would have to use it straight out of the fridge. That would have hurt! But it said that you can store it for up to 1 month as long as you use it within that month. So I set it out before going to bed. Going in, it started to sting a tiny bit, but I just went slower and it was fine. It definitely would have hurt if it was cold!

So now, no more injects today, and then Monday afternoon, I go in for the IUI!

Friday, April 27, 2007

I had a good RE appointment today! I'm going to have probably 6-7 good eggs. I'm a little nervous about it, but my RE seemed ok with it. She said twins are fine, but anything more is not - and I agree! She also said the clinic only has to do 1 selective reduction a year, so that is good too.

So anyway, tonight I am only doing Ganirelix, since I am responding SO well to Follistim and I don't need any more! My largest follie is 19. I have an 18 I think and a few 17. Tomorrow night I do Ganirelix and then at 3 am (yes, 3 AM!) I trigger! Monday I have my IUI at 3:00 pm. I'm excited! I'm really excited that I got to schedule a beta and so I won't have to POAS!! I know not everyone will understand my excitement at NOT peeing on a stick, but some of you can! I would rather not get my hopes up by seeing 2 pink lines. Or even worse - the word "pregnant" on it and then it turning out badly.

I am excited, and a bit nervous, for Monday!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

So the Ganirelix did not hurt one bit tonight! I was able to do it quick. Now the funny part is, the Follistim did hurt a little! Now that I look at where I did it, I think I may have done it too close to where I hit the blood vessel. I thought I was far enough away, but it looks like I am pretty close. But honestly, it didn't hurt THAT bad. And I am a wimp. I really hope my blog can be reassuring to anyone who is scared of doing injects. I am a total wimp, and I can do it!

I have more blood work and an ultra sound in the morning! I'm hoping I will trigger soon! I'm a little worried since I'm not sure if I got my dose of Follistim! The directions said that if you run out, the plunger will stop and you can just see how much more you need, and put in a new cartridge. Well, the plunger didn't stop. But then I did the math and it doesn't add up. I had a 600 IU cartridge and have used 625 IU. But, there is no way I'm giving myself more just in case! I guess the worst that will happen is that my follies don't grow enough and I have an extra day of injects.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

So I had an ultrasound yesterday and today! Yesterday, they told me to start Ganirelix, and I was freaked because it is a new sort of shot and I was just freaking myself out. Well, it was no big deal! Today I went in and it looks like I'll have 5 good eggs. My largest one is 14 right now and the other big ones are from 11-13. I will go in Friday for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. I told the PA that I only have 4 days of Ganirelix left, and she said that was fine, so I'm thinking that I will trigger soon!

I'm really excited for this cycle. Even though I'm still depressed about the miscarriage, it does make me more excited for this cycle because I know I CAN get pregnant. I'm going to have more targets for the spermies and I'm doing IUI, so that ups the chances as well.I'm in a much better place than I was last weekend.

Monday, April 23, 2007

I totally freaked myself out this weekend! Saturday night was my second night of injects. I stuck myself, and it hurt more than the previous night, but still not bad. Well, about an hour later I look down and I have a gigantic bruise, only it didn't really look like a bruise to me! It was swollen a little and looked awful. On top of that, I was feeling nauseous (I also felt nauseous the first night). I often freak out at things and think the worst is happening, so naturally, I thought was dying!

The next day I called the doc and unfortunately, my doc was not on call. So the other one called me back and first he had no idea about the nausea. Said he had never heard of that before. Sigh. Then, he said bruising was normal but if it gets worse or I want them to see it, go in. So he was really not much help. Oh, and he pretty much said the nausea was in my head - which is WAS NOT. So of course I went right over to Lounge Place and asked about these symptoms. I swear, sometimes the doctors just aren't the best to get info from ;) Anyway, as usual, the ladies there were SO helpful, and nausea IS one of the side effects, it says on the Follistim web page even! But they made me feel a lot better!

I had a feeling I would react strongly to the meds. I got a call from my doctor today, I had gone in for blood work, and yes, I indeed was responding VERY well! So they told me to dial down my dose from 125 to 50! And I am going in tomorrow for my ultrasound instead of Wednesday. I just hope I don't have TOO many follies!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

I did it! I actually injected myself last night! I am probably the biggest chicken in the world. I am really proud of myself because I never thought I would be able to inject myself! It was pretty funny, AFTER the fact, of course, not during. It took me about 30 min. of lying there with my pinched belly skin between my fingers and the needle pointed at it before I could actually do it. So many times I almost did it, then stopped myself. So finally, I did do it, and it was NOTHING! I didn't even feel it!

So I will inject myself each night. Monday I go in for blood work, then Wednesday I go in for blood work and an ultrasound. I'm just hoping I don't prode too MANY eggs. I know that can happen in PCOS women.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Thanks for the comments everyone! They were nice to hear :)

Yesterday, I was pretty much fine all day. Went to the RE, had an ultrasound, everything is fine for injects! So, I start them tonight. I'm nervous. But, I'll get through it.

I was actually feeling a bit odd yesterday because I was so FINE. I took yesterday off of work (as well as half of Wed.) and felt bad since I was doing fine. Well, today I went in and it was really hard. It's so weird because I will be fine and then all of a sudden- out of nowhere- I will start tearing up! I was in a meeting all day so that was rough. I came home at lunch and while I was eating, just started crying. My hubby was there and that was nice. He actually said that yesterday he was shocked at how ok I was. Of course, today not good.

Then, things kept coming up. I was talking to a colleague and mentioned it was my b-day, she asked how old I was (she thought I was much younger, that is what started this), and then she asked me, "So are you at a place right now where you hoped/thought you'd be at by this point in your life?" Wow, it took me all I had to NOT start crying. She had no idea just what she was asking. I wanted to scream, "NO! I thought I'd have a BABY right now! But even that got taken away from me!" Of course I didn't and somehow managed to keep it together. Then, at the end of the day one of the consultants of course mention how she will be returning to New Zealand because her sister or someone just had a baby! And actually had it today! I was the only person NOT smiling when she said this. That was awful. But I made it. Now, I have to make it through my injects, which I know I will, and actually now it doesn't seem AS scary as it did before I got that + pregnancy test. I can deal with a little bit of physical pain. It will last 2 seconds, and actually hopefully get me a lifetime of happiness in the end. Hopefully.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I'm trying to stay positive. It's pretty hard, especially for me. And really, yes, I can think some positive thoughts about the situation, but dammit, this hurts!! You know, I used to think that it was awful because I had never even seen a positive pregnancy test. Having a positive test only later to have it ripped away from you, is hard. The hardest thing I've had to go through yet. Now I'm not saying that constantly getting a negative test is any better. They are both awful. But there is something heartbreaking about having this ray of hope that, yes! I finally got pregnant! How wonderful! And then a few days later being told that I am barely pregnant?? Heartbreaking. Even worse is when the flow started. Feeling the horrible cramps - worse than any regular AF I've had - knowing that these cramps are pushing your little bean out, just heartbreaking. Then seeing the red, bright red, on the toilet paper, knowing it is over. There are no words for what I'm feeling.

I really intended to talk about the positives when I started writing, but that's not what came out. So, the positives. At least we know we can get pregnant. I know that now doing injects and IUI, we will really have a good chance, since we did get pregnant this time. I am thankful in a weird way that I have a diagnosis of PCOS and now that I know I can get pregnant. Even though it hurts.

As I've been thinking about things all throughout today, I realized that this experience has changed me. I was in class tonight, and my friend was stressed out about assignments we had - on top of everything at work - and I just thought, so what? Really, class is not stressful, because there are more important things in life. I remember just last week I was really upset because I didn't get as good of an evaluation on my teaching performance for class as I'd hoped - I'm a perfectionist and I was really hoping for a near perfect score. My score was actually quite good, but I got so upset. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, that score didn't seem so important. And now - well it really is not that important to me anymore. Before, I was always worried about what other people thought of me, and sometimes that could hurt me. I was easily intimidated by people and sometimes would be nicer than I should be because I didn't want anyone to not like me. But I think that is changing also. There is a situation at work, and I've been nice to this person who is giving me hell. Now, I'm done with that. I don't care what she thinks of me. And what good is it to stress about everything? I used to stress about every little thing. Now, it just doesn't seem like I should stress. It's not worth my energy to stress. There are more important things to do. I can't always be the best at everything I do, obviously. I didn't get pregnant right away, and I couldn't even keep one. I know it's not my fault - I'm sure the egg quality wasn't the greatest since I ovulated late, or the sperm wasn't ideal, or some other chromosomal issue, but I have felt like a failure, and less of a woman. But now I am realizing that it isn't going to work out perfect, and therefore, not everything in my life has to be perfect.

As my friend was freaking out over assignments, I really had to keep myself from laughing at her though. All I could think was, um, you are stressing over ASSIGNMENTS. ASSIGNMENTS! For crying out loud!! You will get them done and it will be fine!! I just lost a LIFE! Assignments, work? Give me a break! So unimportant comparatively!

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the RE for an ultrasound to get the go ahead to start my injects cycle. I think not taking a month off is best. It gives me something to look forward to, instead of just being depressed about things that have already happened.

It's Over - Worst Birthday Ever

My Birthday was yesterday. Worst birthday ever.

On my way to getting my blood drawn, I started having really bad cramps. By that point, with everything else I knew it was over. At the office, of course I had to wait a long time before they called me which really was awful since I was about to lose it.

Finally I get called and the same person who drew my blood last time was there. She said, "Weren't you just in here a couple days ago?" Um, yeah! I'm thinking: don't you know anything about HcG draws?? You work in a lab!! It took forever for my blood to fill the two vials. Finally, I went back to work, but knew I had to go home. Good thing I did because I started AF. That was tough. And I've been having really bad cramps all day. So bad ibuprofin isn't even really helping.

I had my husband call the RE to ask about what happens next, and if I can start the injects cycle. I'm hoping they call before I have to go to class tonight.

Thanks for all of your well-wishes, it means a lot.
I think it's over. I took a digital test just now, and it was not pregnant. It was a different brand than I was using, but I'm also spotting a tiny bit. I go for a beta this morning, and will know tonight.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Today's digital still says "pregnant." I'm not giving up hope yet. I'm just going to chill, and try not to stress about anything. Of course, right now I have to deal with a bitchy person at work. My plan is to avoid her for the next few days.

It still weirds me out that the digi says pregnant, but the beta was so low. I always heard that digis take more HcG than normal tests to read positives. Hmm.

Monday, April 16, 2007


I got my beta result. It is 14. So the person on the phone (not my normal nurse) said it "may not be viable" so I have to have a repeat done in 2 days. I'm trying to think positive, but it's tough.
And the newest one:

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Sunday, April 15, 2007

Ok, a picture of my tests. The last one was a lot lighter when I read it, but I guess a line is a line, right?

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I tested again this morning, but with a different test. I thought, according to, that the Target brand with 2 lines was supposed to be pink due. But mine was blue dye. I've heard bad things about the blue dye, so I was not happy. Well, I got another + but it was also faint.

I found some pics of BFPs that were really faint, but those women are still pg so I feel a LITTLE better, but not much. I need a beta! I am calling first thing in the morning.

Thanks for the comments! I will update people at the different sites I visit when I get a blood test confirmation. I am just way too nervous yet. I'm still in shock.

Saturday, April 14, 2007



I tested this morning. I have a line!! It's fairly faint, but I guess a line is a line. I'm so nervous right now - what if it's wrong?? I will go and buy another test, just to be sure. But it's way too early to do that now. And now I'm scared to tell my hubby! I can't believe there is a line. And it's not so faint that you have to squint or anything - it's clearly there. OMG.

I'm really freaking out right now. Wow, if this is really happening, I won't have to inject myself!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Yes, it's been awhile since I posted! I've been super busy with work and school. I'm currently getting my Reading Specialist Credential and one class I am taking is super intense and time consuming. Totally worth it, but I am too busy!

Last week, I called the RE because my temps showed I hadn't ovulated yet. So she ordered blood work for me. Now, I didn't get the blood work done until this week, Wednesday, since I was too busy last week and we went out of town for the weekend. So Wednesday I got progesterone and HcG tested to get the go ahead to take provera to start my period so we can get on with the injects already! Well, I just had a message from the nurse, and the progesterone test showed that I ovulated!! That's 2 months in a row! Yes, a bit late, but I did it! So now I have to wait for AF to show. If she doesn't show in a couple weeks, I will test. I'm not sure when I ovulated since I stopped taking my temp earlier last week.

When I got my blood work done, I also picked up my injects! Gulp! I'm scared to do it, but I have to. I'm not really sure how I will be able to inject myself, but I have to.

It was quite "funny" when I picked up my meds. My insurance thankfully pays for the injects, but not apparently, for the progesterone suppositories!! So I'm getting thousands of dollars worth of injects for $5 each, and here I am paying $40 for suppositories. Oh, the irony.