Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I'm trying to stay positive. It's pretty hard, especially for me. And really, yes, I can think some positive thoughts about the situation, but dammit, this hurts!! You know, I used to think that it was awful because I had never even seen a positive pregnancy test. Having a positive test only later to have it ripped away from you, is hard. The hardest thing I've had to go through yet. Now I'm not saying that constantly getting a negative test is any better. They are both awful. But there is something heartbreaking about having this ray of hope that, yes! I finally got pregnant! How wonderful! And then a few days later being told that I am barely pregnant?? Heartbreaking. Even worse is when the flow started. Feeling the horrible cramps - worse than any regular AF I've had - knowing that these cramps are pushing your little bean out, just heartbreaking. Then seeing the red, bright red, on the toilet paper, knowing it is over. There are no words for what I'm feeling.

I really intended to talk about the positives when I started writing, but that's not what came out. So, the positives. At least we know we can get pregnant. I know that now doing injects and IUI, we will really have a good chance, since we did get pregnant this time. I am thankful in a weird way that I have a diagnosis of PCOS and now that I know I can get pregnant. Even though it hurts.

As I've been thinking about things all throughout today, I realized that this experience has changed me. I was in class tonight, and my friend was stressed out about assignments we had - on top of everything at work - and I just thought, so what? Really, class is not stressful, because there are more important things in life. I remember just last week I was really upset because I didn't get as good of an evaluation on my teaching performance for class as I'd hoped - I'm a perfectionist and I was really hoping for a near perfect score. My score was actually quite good, but I got so upset. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, that score didn't seem so important. And now - well it really is not that important to me anymore. Before, I was always worried about what other people thought of me, and sometimes that could hurt me. I was easily intimidated by people and sometimes would be nicer than I should be because I didn't want anyone to not like me. But I think that is changing also. There is a situation at work, and I've been nice to this person who is giving me hell. Now, I'm done with that. I don't care what she thinks of me. And what good is it to stress about everything? I used to stress about every little thing. Now, it just doesn't seem like I should stress. It's not worth my energy to stress. There are more important things to do. I can't always be the best at everything I do, obviously. I didn't get pregnant right away, and I couldn't even keep one. I know it's not my fault - I'm sure the egg quality wasn't the greatest since I ovulated late, or the sperm wasn't ideal, or some other chromosomal issue, but I have felt like a failure, and less of a woman. But now I am realizing that it isn't going to work out perfect, and therefore, not everything in my life has to be perfect.

As my friend was freaking out over assignments, I really had to keep myself from laughing at her though. All I could think was, um, you are stressing over ASSIGNMENTS. ASSIGNMENTS! For crying out loud!! You will get them done and it will be fine!! I just lost a LIFE! Assignments, work? Give me a break! So unimportant comparatively!

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the RE for an ultrasound to get the go ahead to start my injects cycle. I think not taking a month off is best. It gives me something to look forward to, instead of just being depressed about things that have already happened.


Nichole said...

I'm so sorry Heather. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

SHELLIE said...

Words can't explain how sad I am for you. Can't say anything to make the situation any better. I just wanted to let you know people are thinking about you and praying for you and DH.

"Don't stress over things you cannot change, just learn from them" is my motto. It sounds like you have adopted that motto as well.

I, like you, have been through a lot lately. I've learned to hold my head up high. I'm not dwelling on the could haves or should haves. I can't change the outcome. I'm just going to learn from it. I hope the next time "we" make an attempt it will be successful.