Saturday, September 29, 2007

Wow. Wow, wow, wow! I came across a blog of someone who frequents a great message board I go to often and have gotten tons of support from. I read a few of her entries, and can't help think, is she writing about me? She must be. I know, it's her blog and she can post whatever, but I really am amazed that someone else who is suffering from IF is that hateful. I get that some people are against abortion, and I guess no matter what, they will see it as an awful thing. For me, I am not against abortion, especially if it is for the health of the mom and other babies. This is not a discussion I ever get into with anti-abortion people because I know I will not change their minds. But I think what amazes me is that often times, these people cannot put those feelings aside and be empathetic to someone's situation. I see a lack of empathy running rampant in the world today, and it makes me sad. Without empathy, wars will continue and get worse. Society will become an even more hateful place. How do you think hate crimes happen? It's ignorance plus a lack of empathy.

It amazes me that she called me selfish (then again, maybe she didn't write about me??). I did not do this for selfish reasons. Quite the opposite! I feel it is selfish to put your babies in greater danger for disabilities. I could not risk the life of my babies plus my life just to carry 3. I know others see it a different way, and we are not going to agree on this. I do not think that people who choose to carry 3 are selfish. I think it is a totally personal decision, and one that is NEVER taken lightly.

It amazes me that people make this decision seem so simplistic. It's not. She made a comment about not telling her she hasn't been in my shoes. Well, she hasn't. You can think about what you might do in this situation, but honestly, until you have to face it, you don't know what it's like. It's JUST like infertility! How many times do we say that people who have never experienced it don't know what it's like? That is completely true! It's the same thing. This is not a simple decision, don't make it simplistic.

A side note if she is reading: I did NOT have more than 6 follies on this cycle. I had 5. Yes, I had a cycle where I did have more than 6, but I trusted my doctor. I know you trust your doctor, it is the same thing. A very small percentage of people with IUI end up with triplets. The statistics are much higher with IVF. And to the people who commented about not being able to have a differing point of view:m You CAN. But during this time I ask people to respect my blog and not post hateful comments here because I am going through a very difficult time. I would never go to another blog where someone is going through something difficult and start trying to argue with that person about their choices I didn't agree with. That's just mean. I'm all for debate and speaking your mind, but I am choosing for that not to be here right now. Plus, like I stated before, I do not get into abortion debates because it is pointless. Neither side will convince the other of anything. The one thing I can do that many people who are "pro-life" seem to not be able to do is understand their point of view. I completely understand it, but disagree.

I've had more crap dumped on me within the last day. I was going to discuss it here, but I'm going to hold off. I know she may read this and think I'm "whining" but I don't really care. It amazes me that so much can get dumped on one person, or one couple. And this is a huge reason why I don't believe in organized religion. I actually haven't believed in organized religion for a very long time, because I saw innocent people have these awful horrible things happen to them. Then I would hear people say things like, "It was God's plan." I don't buy that. I do believe in god, but not any God that is represented in the major religions today. I do not think there is a guy sitting up there deciding that this awful thing needs to happen to this child or person. That is too awful for me to believe in. And I know there are people who believe in organized religion who also do not believe this way. But many, many churches operate under this belief.

That was a huge tangent. Anyway, the point of all this is I think the world would be a much better, happier, and peaceful place if people were more empathetic to each other.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I'm back on bed rest. Monday, I got up and was moving around more and everything was fine all day - no spotting or anything. Then, in the evening, spotting. The next day, I called the peri, however mine is on vacation. The other peri wanted me to come in the following day (today). So, we went. Everything looks fine. The u/s tech was very nice and showed us everything. Heard both heartbeats! Both strong at 157 and 169 bpm. The other peri was a little odd, I didn't like him too much. He kept making "jokes" that really weren't funny. But anyway, he said I neede to continue bed rest until I've had a week with no spotting. I tried to explain to him that when I lie in bed I don't spot, it's when I move around. And he agreed and thought that made sense. But, I was still confused. How do I know when I can come off? I guess what I'll do is take a week and then get up and move around more and see if I spot. Unfortunately, my peri does not come back until I have my follow up on October 11. But, better safe than sorry!!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Thanks for all the nice comments :) The procedure was a lot less physically painful than I had imagined. Still not comfortable, but the pain was much less than my HSG was! It was a very long and rough day. We were walking out to the car, I felt something in my underwear, and it was blood. That of course freaked me out. We went back, he examined me and did an ultrasound, and everything looked ok. The peri said he may have hit a blood vessel and that could be causing the bleeding. He gave me another day of bedrest - but I was going to do 2 days anyway.

So then, during the night I woke up and my pantyliner was soaked through. It was pink but looked like it was also mixed with fluid. So we called him and luckily he was at the hospital. He said it was probably fine, but to come in and he would do an ultrasound to make me feel better. So we went in to Triage and everyone was really nice. He did the ultrasound and everything looked great. He did give me a prescription for antibiotics just in case. That made me feel better. So now I feel like I am doing everything I can to make sure everything goes well.

Emotionally, this is really rough, I knew it would be. I'm glad I have a therapist appointment coming up.

Please continue to send your good positive thoughts. I think I won't be in the clear for 2 weeks. I have a follow up with the peri in 3 weeks (he will be out of town and he wanted to do the follow up) but I do have 2 appointments with my OB before that. I just hope everything goes well and nothing bad happens. I am thinking positive, so I'm hoping that will also help.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Donna - your question was not insensitive at all! Usually, if nothing is wrong with any of them, they will take the one that is easiest to get to. I think also sometimes they would take the smaller ones. In my case, there is one that is easier to get to and the placenta is not on the front wall, which is better. They will first do an NT scan to see if there are any abnormalities, but the peri said that usually they are all healthy.

I'm just really scared and nervous right. Not sure I'll be able to sleep. Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts :) I'm not sure when I'll be up to update, but maybe later this weekend. I just hope everything goes well.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Oh, I guess I never mentioned how many we were reducing to. We are reducing to 2. Twins still have a risk, but not nearly as high as triplets. I could not reduce any further than that (unless I absolutely HAD to), and actually, none of my doctors (RE,OB,Peri) ever even brought up reducing to 1.

The nurse from the peri office called me back. Actually, *I* had to call and got transferred to her voicemail. The first time I called I asked for voicemail but the girl said she could just take the message. I had a feeling the nurse wouldn't get it. Anyway, she called back and said the only thing I could take was Motrin. But I have a feeling she didn't even consult the doctor. I really didn't feel like dealing with it anymore, so I let it go. So now, I'm just hoping I'll be ok!

Monday, September 17, 2007

Someone asked about my job and getting time off. Luckily, I am not in the classroom right now so I can actually go to doctor's appointments! That has been really helpful since I've had a million appointments! This week, I am taking a personal day on Friday and Monday. I also have tons of sick days saved up (that I will be using for maternity leave), so I'm covered! Work is actually a nice distraction! I don't think about things too much while I'm at work, so that has helped. Not sure how it will be next week though.

I've actually been ok so far this week. I think it has helped that I know the decision we made was the right one for us. Doesn't make it easier, but I'm not a wreck like I was right after the consult.

I did call the peri today to see if I could get some meds to take before to calm me down. Not sure he'll give them to me, but we'll see. I know I'll be very nervous before, so it would be nice to be able to relax a little and not have my heart racing.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

I had to take a little bit of a break from even looking on here. But, I felt like today I was strong enough to deal with whatever comments I saw. I'm truly at peace (sort of) with my decision. I KNOW it is the best thing for my family. I know this deep in my heart, and it is the decision for us. Now, that doesn't mean I'm happy about having to do this! This is the worst thing I think I could go through.

I respect the anon commenter who did apologize. And trust me, I know that all my babies have heartbeats - I have seen them all. And it makes it so much harder. I cannot stand that they have to do this procedure at 12-12 1/2 weeks. That being said, this is the right decision for us. I've done lots of research and thought about all different situations. I don't find fault with people who decide to carry triplets and risk miscarrying the whole thing or risk serious birth defects, so I expect others to not judge me here.

Thank you to all of you who have been SO supportive! It really means so much to me. My appointment is Friday at 1:15, and I am terrified.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Because of the increase of rude comments, I have decided to moderate all comments. I didn't really want to have to do this. First of all, it's not like I have a ton of time to do that. Second, I normally don't want to have to moderate comments - it reminds me in a way of censorship. I would rather not have to moderate them, but for now, I'm going to. I'll still have to see any rude comments, but I also might not read or approve ANY comments for a few weeks. So, if you do comment and don't see it, just know that it is because I don't want to see anything rude.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive! It really has helped me, and I appreciate it so much!
Again, to the commenters: This blog is public for a reason. It's about education about infertility and support for others who are going through infertility. I already said in a previous blog entry - if you do not agree with reduction, do not post rude comments, and you don't have to read this. But this blog is public for a REASON. Again, I know people have differing views, and I already addressed that. You want to debate reduction? Go to a message board and start that topic, but don't go to people's blogs and bash people in a time when they really don't need it.

Monday, September 10, 2007

To the anon who made the RUDE comment: Honestly, I DO NOT NEED THAT! Have YOU ever been in my position? I think NOT! How DARE you judge someone when you have not even gone through ANY of what I have gone through. You have NO IDEA what I am going through and will be going through for the REST OF MY LIFE. This is not an easy decision, or one I made lightly at all. HOW DARE YOU come here and judge me. You are a sorry excuse for a person.

This is MY blog. A place for MY thoughts, feelings, and everything. You do not need to read my blog and comment on it - why make someone who is already feeling awful, feel even worse?
Over the weekend, hubby and I discussed and made our decision. We are going ahead with the reduction. It is the only thing that makes sense for us. We looked at all the statistics and everything, and we are going to do it. I'm incredibly sad that I have to be doing this. Nobody should ever have to be in this position ever. I'm scared about having the procedure - scared of it hurting, I'm scared of losing all of them, but this decision feels right for us.

I got more things straightened out with the insurance. The OB got the correct authorization codes. Then, the financial lady said it would take 3 days to go through, so I asked her if I could just schedule the appointment since it has to be done in a certain time frame. She said to have them put it in as "cash" and then they will change it. Of course, by the time she called me the appointment desk was closed so I have to call back tomorrow. Not sure what happens if they can't get me in. I really want it done on a Friday so I don't have to worry about work and what to tell people when I take 2 days off, but if I have to I will. The peri said I only need to rest for 24 hours, but I would like to rest for more - just in case.

I just can't believe this is happening to me. Why do infertiles always get the short end of the stick?

Friday, September 07, 2007

I hate my HMO!!

I hate my HMO! HATE THEM! After our visit to the peri yesterday, we were supposed to schedule our next appointment for the in depth ultrasound and possible SR. Well, they wouldn't schedule it because they needed authorization. UGH. Did my RE office ever do that? NO! They just scheduled me then got authorization. Anyway, I did what they said and called my OB to let him know they would be calling for authorization, and he knew what for as well. The peri office never called me today, so I called them. The receptionist tells me I still need authorization. I tell her it is super important I get an appointment because it HAS to be done in a certain time frame. She transfers me to their billing department. This lady says it takes 3 days. UGH. But then luckily she looks me up and an authorization has gone through. However, it is the WRONG authorization. It is for a consult!! So, I totally blame whoever called from the peri office, because they should have known! So, I call my OB and of course he isn't in. I leave a message. Luckily I got someone who seemed competent. Sometimes I don't and they mess up the messages. I made sure she put on there that this was URGENT.

Why can't they just schedule me?!?!? It makes no sense! I HATE HMOS! And why was *I* doing all the leg work? I wish all offices were like my RE office. They always got all authorizations and everything. They were great. I guess that's how it works when many of the patients pay out of pocket. I'm just so mad. I really don't need this stress on top of everything else.

I also wanted to address some of Karen's comments. Thank you for the info! I know my peri said he'd done 50 reductions, and has had 1 loss. He is sure the loss was from the reduction because the loss happened the next day. It bothers me a bit that he said he has done 50. Of course, I didn't think to ask if it was 50 total, or 50 a year. I have a feeling I will be calling him back to talk to him some more.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Peri Appointment

I had my perinatologist appointment today. I thought I would come away from the appointment with more information and a clear idea of what I wanted to do next. I was so wrong. I did get more information, but I am even more confused now. I know that he has to be impartial and not try to sway you one way or the other - I'm sure they do that for legal reasons - but it would be nice to hear their opinion.
I did get a long list of different things like preterm labor and NICU admission and it compares rates of singleton pregnancies to twins to triplets and up.

This is just so unfair that I have to make this decision. I think I am still leaning toward reduction, but I really don't want to lose the whole pregnancy. But it's not like I have a crystal ball that will tell me the future if I did decide to keep all 3. Because who knows, I could lose all or some of them, they could be born with cerebal palsy, or they could be born completely healthy. There is no way of knowing and I think that is what is driving me crazy!

So, I really have to consider not only health consequences, but also financial ones. We are planning on moving back to the midwest next summer, but if we can't sell our condo, we aren't moving. I'm not sure we could afford to live in San Diego with our mortgage and take care of 3 babies. As it is, we both have to work to pay the mortgage. Add to that the cost of daycare, and we would have no money left over.

I also do not want my babies to have to be in the NICU. They most likely will be if I continue with three. I also do not want any of them to have any disabilites like cerebal palsy. It would be heartbreaking.

I just really hate this. It's so unfair.