Saturday, September 29, 2007

Wow. Wow, wow, wow! I came across a blog of someone who frequents a great message board I go to often and have gotten tons of support from. I read a few of her entries, and can't help think, is she writing about me? She must be. I know, it's her blog and she can post whatever, but I really am amazed that someone else who is suffering from IF is that hateful. I get that some people are against abortion, and I guess no matter what, they will see it as an awful thing. For me, I am not against abortion, especially if it is for the health of the mom and other babies. This is not a discussion I ever get into with anti-abortion people because I know I will not change their minds. But I think what amazes me is that often times, these people cannot put those feelings aside and be empathetic to someone's situation. I see a lack of empathy running rampant in the world today, and it makes me sad. Without empathy, wars will continue and get worse. Society will become an even more hateful place. How do you think hate crimes happen? It's ignorance plus a lack of empathy.

It amazes me that she called me selfish (then again, maybe she didn't write about me??). I did not do this for selfish reasons. Quite the opposite! I feel it is selfish to put your babies in greater danger for disabilities. I could not risk the life of my babies plus my life just to carry 3. I know others see it a different way, and we are not going to agree on this. I do not think that people who choose to carry 3 are selfish. I think it is a totally personal decision, and one that is NEVER taken lightly.

It amazes me that people make this decision seem so simplistic. It's not. She made a comment about not telling her she hasn't been in my shoes. Well, she hasn't. You can think about what you might do in this situation, but honestly, until you have to face it, you don't know what it's like. It's JUST like infertility! How many times do we say that people who have never experienced it don't know what it's like? That is completely true! It's the same thing. This is not a simple decision, don't make it simplistic.

A side note if she is reading: I did NOT have more than 6 follies on this cycle. I had 5. Yes, I had a cycle where I did have more than 6, but I trusted my doctor. I know you trust your doctor, it is the same thing. A very small percentage of people with IUI end up with triplets. The statistics are much higher with IVF. And to the people who commented about not being able to have a differing point of view:m You CAN. But during this time I ask people to respect my blog and not post hateful comments here because I am going through a very difficult time. I would never go to another blog where someone is going through something difficult and start trying to argue with that person about their choices I didn't agree with. That's just mean. I'm all for debate and speaking your mind, but I am choosing for that not to be here right now. Plus, like I stated before, I do not get into abortion debates because it is pointless. Neither side will convince the other of anything. The one thing I can do that many people who are "pro-life" seem to not be able to do is understand their point of view. I completely understand it, but disagree.

I've had more crap dumped on me within the last day. I was going to discuss it here, but I'm going to hold off. I know she may read this and think I'm "whining" but I don't really care. It amazes me that so much can get dumped on one person, or one couple. And this is a huge reason why I don't believe in organized religion. I actually haven't believed in organized religion for a very long time, because I saw innocent people have these awful horrible things happen to them. Then I would hear people say things like, "It was God's plan." I don't buy that. I do believe in god, but not any God that is represented in the major religions today. I do not think there is a guy sitting up there deciding that this awful thing needs to happen to this child or person. That is too awful for me to believe in. And I know there are people who believe in organized religion who also do not believe this way. But many, many churches operate under this belief.

That was a huge tangent. Anyway, the point of all this is I think the world would be a much better, happier, and peaceful place if people were more empathetic to each other.


The Dunn Family said...

People are mean. I don't know about the other blog, maybe it's a jealousy thing?

I had twins, and I don't know what I would have done if I had been in your shoes. My cousin had triplets from an IUI, and they are 4.5 years old and healthy and fine. BUT, that's not always the case. She debated reducing, and opted not to. And I understand that. But me and my husband (who did IVF) had 2 put in, and said if something happened where one of them split, we would probably reduce, because I can't afford triplets. That being said, it's SO personal. You should not feel that you have to explain or defend what you and your husband chose to do. What you went through was hard and scary, and NO ONE should make you feel wrong for the decision you made. It's ok to not agree with it, but why make someone feel worse for something that is already so hard?

Anyway, I support you and the decision you made for your family. Please know that for all the jerks out there, there are WAY more people who are out here supporting you!

Sending hugs!

Beth said...

I, too, struggled with God and the role during any sort of tragedy, etc. I do not and will not ever believe that anything bad is God's plan... EVER. What I DO believe is that God rushes in when these things happen to try to utilize them the best He can. This is a world of free will after all, and quite honestly if God continually had His way with everything and everyone forcing them to believe in Him, it wouldn't be free will.

People who say that it is God's will for me to have a miscarriage in the past are foolish. The more intelligent answer would be that God saw my pain and rushed in to somehow make good of it.

The good thing is that the end result will be two wonderful healthy babies to treasure and no matter what hate or judgment is out there, you'll still have your heart's desire, a DH to share it with, and friends in person and on the net who still support you.

The bottom line is instead of realizing that PAIN is PAIN... some folks like to compare and rate and heaven forbid you state anything about something you are going through for fear of being called a whiner.

That makes me a huge whiner as well!

Take care...

Natalie said...

That always gets me too... that people feel like they KNOW, even though they've never been in that situation. Maybe they know what *they'd* do... I don't know. I just don't really get judging. Reduction is SO hard. And honestly one of the reasons I wanted to avoid it so much (because there is no doubt in my mind which way I would have gone.... I am dead clear about two being my max), and it would have been hard, but I DID NOT want to deal with all those people who think they have a right to judge you.

I'm sorry you had to run across that blog. :(


I hope you aren't getting too bored on bedrest...that being said,
I really do wish people would just mind their own business unless they have walked in your shoes. I can only imagine what you are going through now as I have not been there- but you are my friend and support you in your decision. I know the pain you have gone through to get to this point, because we have walked in those shoes together.
And I agree with the dunn family...for all the jerks out there...there are more of us that care about you here thinking about you everyday, with every step of your journey.
Keeping you and your little family in my continued thoughts...sending you lots of love. Brightest Blessings- Sara

Fertilize Me said...

i have nothing better to say . its been all sid but i wanted you to know i am thinking of you!

Emmakirst said...

I have been lurking for awhile.

I am so sorry that you had to make a decision like this and I can only imagine how difficult it was for you, I think you did what was right for you, it was your decision, after all it is your health and even one more baby jeopardizes your health and your babies.

Kami said...

I am with you that people can't seem to empathize. I am anti-abortion (but do not think it should be illegal) yet when a friend explained why she had an abortion years ago, I could understand her thinking process - she was in a place where that was the logical answer for her. I get that.

I also get the logic of choosing 2 healthy children over potentially 3 very unhealthy children. I hope I don't end up in the same situation (we just transferred 3 for an IVF cycle), but if I do, I would likely do the same thing.

Did I mention that I am anti-abortion? Experience changes you and after having 17 embryos dies in utero and more than 20 die in a dish I have a different view on the value of an embryo.

Like you said, unless you have been there, you just can't imagine.

bleu said...

So sorry you are dealing with this crap on top of all of your worries and stresses. I cannot say what I think about your choices. I am not in your situation and I am not you. I find the honesty here and deep consideration about these choices to be very informative and thought provoking. I also support whatever you choose. I am open that way.
I am pro choice but could never make the choice myself, BUT, if i was faced with my own mortality when I have a child already I must be here for I have no idea of what I would choose.
I find that when others cannot see all sides it is usually indicative of them being so closed minded they are not in total touch with reality.
Take care.

Alba said...

I have to say that I am sorry that you are having people judge and criticize when they have never been in your shoes. Everyone is different and will make a different choice that they are comfortable with. I also want to clarify that anyone that says that God causes the pain and suffering to people, doesn't know what they are talking about. I am a strong Christian ( not catholic)and go to church regularly. I have read and studied the Bible many times and the one thing that I have understood over and over is that just like there is a God, there is the Devil. The Devil tempted Jesus himself and will always tempt us through struggles in life to make us lose our faith. God is the one that comes and picks up the pieces when we need him the most. God did not cause my m/c earlier this year, but He was there to encourage me, and He is the one that helped us get through IVF and give us two beautiful babies inside me now. Sorry for the long post, just wanted to clarify that people often put everything on God, as if God is sitting there trying to decide who to torture next and that is not the God that the Bible tells us about, that is the Devil. I hope that your spotting stops completely so that you can relax more and enjoy your pregnancy more. I will continue to pray for you and your little ones. God Bless you!

Sophia said...

Just wanted to offer some support and let you know that you made the best decision you could for YOU and your babies and that is all that should matter. People need to knock off the judgmental crap, it's none of their business really.

Donna said...

Please give us an update. You and the babies are in my thoughts often. I am praying this week stabilized things and that you can breathe easily now. You have been through so much!