I haven't been reading other people's blogs lately since I've been busy and tired. But I did just go and read my friend's blog- Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies. I've been wondering how she is, and I really miss her! I know how difficult it would be for her to even read my blog. We were due at the same time, and now I have twins and she doesn't have Devin with her. It's so unfair. So I went to read her blog and read the rest of her birth story that she finished, and I just sat there bawling. I've been thinking about how difficult things are at times, and especially about how me and hubby have been fighting a lot. But after reading that, it just puts everything into perspective. Not that I ever took my girls for granted for one second, but it just reminded me of what I DO have and how grateful I am. And how totally unfair life is. Nobody should ever have to go through that- I can't even begin to imagine what it is like- but especially Nat. She is such a great person and would be- IS- the best mom ever. I hate that this happened to her, I hate that she's not a part of the message board group anymore- I miss you Nat! But I totally understand.

Anon- I don't mind answering your questions. I kept my blog public so that others could learn about my situation, and to also be a support to anyone who has to go through the same thing. Is the topic difficult for me? Yes, it is. But I have been avoiding writing about it lately- even though it has been on my mind. I think answering your questions will also hopefully help me as well.

I just want to know if you are ever troubled by thoughts about what would have happened if you had chosen not to go through with the reduction?

Yes. I think about this almost daily. Even though I know the decision we made was the right one, and Maya may have been born with a disability or not survived at all, I still think about it. I have been thinking about it more lately. I try not to play the "What if" game, but I do sometimes.

I had a dream the other night- it was more of a nightmare- and I think I had this dream because I have been thinking about this lately. In the dream, there are big rocks, like asteroids almost, falling from the sky. Nobody can leave the city and it's dangerous to be outside. Then, I realize that I don't have my baby. It was only 1 baby and this baby was a boy. It was more disturbing than I am explaining, but you all know that about dreams. You start to explain them and can't. Anyway, I woke up very upset and had to make sure the girls were ok. It was not a good dream!

Did you tell your family/friends about the reduction?

Yes. We told our family and some of our friends. Most of our family was supportive, thankfully. Some were not too supportive but luckily they kept most of their thoughts to themselves. Even though we did tell some of our friends, and they were supportive, I still felt alone because my "best" friend didn't really help me too much. She could understand on a certain level, but later on, and still now, she continually talks about her daughters friends, who are triplets. She always seems to talk about them and I don't know why. I( don't think she thinks that it upsets me- I don't know.

Also, do you ever think of your girls as triplets?

I'm not sure? I mean, sometimes I do think, "what if?" so I guess in a way, but not really. If that makes sense?

Are you going to tell your girls when they are older that your pregnancy started out as a triplet pregnancy?

I might. I did save all the ultrasounds- of course they might fade. If they fade, I'm not going to bring it up. If they see the early ultrasounds and wonder I will tell them they started out as three and one didn't make it. I don't feel the need to tell them all the details about it though.

I hope I was able to answer your questions.And I really hope that you don't have to go through what I did.

One Year Ago

One year ago yesterday, I got the phone call that I had a positive beta. It was the best day of my life! After almost 2 years of trying to conceive, we were finally pregnant. Of course, because I had a chemical a couple of months prior, I was still nervous. Even though my beta was 311. I remember going in for my second beta and the nurse asked me if I was nervous about multiples, and I said, "No, I'm nervous about it not sticking!" We got the second beta and it had way more than doubled so we allowed ourselves to get more excited. It was amazing after all the tests, the horrible HSG, awful clomid, and having to inject myself- which I thought I'd NEVER be able to do, I was pregnant. It was definitely worth the wait and I am so thankful that we were able to get pregnant. And now I have 2 wonderful daughters- I couldn't have asked for anything better. Getting pregnant, giving birth, and raising children is truly a miracle, and so wonderful.

It's been a rough few days! I was wondering if they were hitting a growth spurt, I counted the weeks and they will be 19 weeks on Monday, which is a big growth spurt. They also have learned how to roll from back to tummy, so I know that is also disrupting things.

We had a few good days of naps- I was even getting them to sleep in their cribs for naps. Then, it all went to h! I would love for any twin moms out there who do attachment parenting, or lean toward attachment parenting to respond! I was talking to a lot of twin moms and all of them do some form of CIO (cry it out). I simply cannot do that. Mayvbe after they are a year old, but I just think they are too young. I can't even do it for 5 minutes. It just doesn't feel right to me. I've been told to get them to nap in their cribs to put them down, pat their tummies to calm them then leave. Let them cry for a few min. then go in and pat their tummies again. I have done that, but when they start crying a lot, I have to pick them up and soothe them. And now, with how they've been sleeping- or not sleeping- I just want them to get some sleep. To me, that is more important than getting them in their cribs.

Here is how today went. My mornings are actually really great. Today they slept till 7 am. So before that I showered and ate breakfast. I fed them and then we went for a walk. When we got back, they slept for a bit. One in the bouncy, one in the swing. They woke, I fed them. They were still pretty tired, but stayed awake-actually they may have slept a bit. At 1:30 hubby left and the girls started crying. I fed them early at 2 pm and then we did some tummy time. For nap time, they were being fussy so I brought them into the bedroom, put Sofia in the co-sleeper, where she fell asleep and laid down with Maya and we slept for 30 min. Then Sofia woke, crying. So I put Maya in the co-sleeper and held Sofia. We slept again for about 30 min. Then I tried putting Sofia in the co-sleeper and it worked! They slept for about 30 more min and then woke up, fussy. At almost 5 pm I fed them, then bathed them. I then rocked Sofia to sleep and put her in the co-sleeper. Maya was crying. She has been more difficult to get to sleep lately! I held her and she fell asleep, but if I try to put her down, she wakes. So I then kept her by me while I ate dinner, then I laid down with her in the bedroom and we both fell asleep. I woke at 9:30 and was able to put her down in the co-sleeper. And now, of course I can't sleep!

Thankfully, I talked to hubby this morning and he saw how exhausted I am and asked if I wanted him to stay home tomorrow instead of working and of course I said yes! So maybe I will get a bit of a breather this weekend.

The girls had their 4 month check up today!
Sofia:
13 lbs 10 oz.
24" long
head circumference: 16 1/4"
50th percentile

Maya:
11 lbs 12oz.
23" long
head circumference: 15 3/4"
10-25th percentile

The pediatrician said they were gaining weight great. I always breathe a sigh of relief when I hear that. I just always get so worried that they aren't gaining enough. But they are!

He also talked to us about starting solids. He said there was debate about whether to start at 4, 5, or 6 months. He didn't have an opinion on it, just said to watch for signs of readiness. So, I may start cereal at 5 1/2 months if I think they are ready. We'll see. I asked him about starting with oatmeal instead of rice and he recommended starting with rice because it is easier to digest and less allergenic. Apparently, allergies have to do with the proteins in foods and rice has less protein. So, I am going to start with rice cereal, even though I didn't plan on it. I'm quickly learning that there are a LOT of things I didn't think I would do ahead of time. But, as you get more information, you change your opinions sometimes!

They had their shots, 2 injections plus rotavirus, and Hubby was there with me this time. It was so much easier with another person! I will be bringing Hubby to all the shots visits if possible!

I went ahead and ordered their highchairs because I got a great deal on them! I ordered them from amazon, and I have prime so it was free shipping. Then, I had a $25 gift certificate and they had a deal running where if I used their "Bill me later" program I got $10 off. So I ended up getting one of the highchairs almost for free! I got the Fisher Price Space Saver highchairs for them. I like that they convert to a booster for later, and they won't take up a lot of room. I just put them on my regular dining room chair. I know people have said you can't push the chair in, but this will still save space.

I can't believe I'm getting ready to feed them solids pretty soon! They are growing up so fast. It's amazing. I go back to work in a month, and I really don't want to.

I think I posted about how last week Sofia learned to roll from back to tummy. And then she gets stuck. Well, this week Maya learned how! She has been trying for a couple days and last night I put her down- swaddled- in the co-sleeper for bed. A few minutes later I hear her crying, I go in and she is face down! So, no more swaddling anyone's arms!

Today I decided to start getting them both to nap in their own cribs. I wanted them to share a crib, but Maya is just way too squirmy. So I tried it at their first afternoon nap. Had a little trouble at first, but I would just stay and rub their tummies. They first napped for 30 min. then I had to go back in and soothe. Then, they slept for 2 hours! I just put them down for their second nap, and it was even easier this time! I hope this continues.

Well, we had a good day or two of naps and now... not so good! Yesterday I thought it was because we went out and they didn't get a good afternoon nap. But today they haven't been napping at all really. Sofia got about 30 minutes at noon today. She would start to fall asleep in my arms, but every time I put her down, she would start screaming. So now I'm thinking growth spurt and learning a new skill. Because today she actually rolled all the way over from back to tummy! I was very proud of her, but every time she did this she would cry. She has rolled from tummy to back, but I guess she forgot she could do that!

We went to the store today and I had a very scary experience. I was getting Sofia out of the passenger side, my door on the driver's side was over and the diaper bag was on the seat. This homeless lady comes up to me and asks for money. I say sorry, don't have any. Then she starts saying, "You've done something very bad" and repeats that a couple times and then tells me I left my wallet out and I shouldn't do that in this neighborhood. She goes on to say she's not homeless, and expecting a check, but I need to be careful. This totally freaks me out, and she is now next to me. I give her a hard look and say "Ok" and wave my hand. Of course, she doesn't leave. I was afraid to tell her directly to leave because I didn't know how she would react. I start to get Sofia out because I just want to get out of there. Then she is commenting on Sofia. I made sure she didn't get too close. Then she sees I have twins and is being nice and trying to talk to me. I'm just trying to get out of there! And finally I do. I stayed in the store a little longer because I did not want to see her again. Scary! I would have told her to leave, but after the way she told me "I did a bad thing" I just couldn't chance it!

Thankfully, after that I only got GOOD comments in the store. One man- who looked all mean because he had tattoos and a long shaggy beard (not that tatts are scary- mu hubby is covered in them) talked to me, asked if they were my first, and then said "Wow! Your first and you got two!" And he said it like he really thought I was lucky (which I am!). So that was very nice! Then, I was carrying the girls to my condo and my neighbor came out, saw mw, and told me I was amazing and should be on the cover of Time magazine! So that was also very nice to hear. And you know, I really haven't gotten too many annoying comments. So I hope it stays that way.

On a more depressing note, I bought some shorts today. I knew I was going to be a larger size. So I grab a size, try them on and they were a bit snug around the hips/thigh area. Around the waist? Loose. So I go up a size and they fit around the hips/thigh. Now, I was depressed because at one point I weighed almost as much as I dp now but I still wore 3 sizes smaller!! So my pelvis must have really spread out, because it is a pretty big size, even though Target does run small in this brand. Depressing, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. Soon I can work out again, and I am losing weight. Just slowly.

The girls are 4 months tomorrow! 4 months! I can't believe it! They are "talking" a lot, smiling, and laughing. It is really cute!

Ha! I knew it! As soon as I wrote the schedule down and thought how nice, they are getting into a good schedule- it changes! I think they are hitting a growth spurt. Two days ago they wouldn't get to sleep at night easily. Yesterday, they took a great morning nap abut wouldn't sleep in the afternoon! It was a long day. So, the schedule might change a bit. Luckily, Hubby came at home at 6:30 last night so I was able to go to bed at 8:30! I got up at 6, and I am still tired. Go figure! I think I am just going to have to accept that I am going to be tired all the time for the next 18 years- at least!

There is this web site where every day they have a good deal on some baby item. I get an email every day. I bought one thing from there- 2 pairs of Skid Pants, which are like Baby Legs. Great deal, I think they were $6 instead of $12 each. But they have so many cute things! It is so hard not to buy stuff!! And almost every time I go to Target, I come home with a new onesie for the girls. It's going to get really bad when they are a little older, I can already tell! But they have such cute baby clothes now!

We currently have a pretty good schedule going on- of course it's pretty flexible. I'm sure in a few weeks it will totally change because once we get settled in something, it always changes!
6:00 am wake up, feeding
7:00 nap-they usually fall asleep between 7:30 and 8. Then I get to eat breakfast, go on computer and take a shower, it's very nice!
10:00 Feeding
11:00 playtime
11:30 or 12 nap
2:00 feeding
3:00 playtime
4:00 nap
6:00 feeding
7:00 bedtime
2:00 feeding- hubby does this, usually have to wake them and we are now working on slowly reducing the amount they get, so eventually, hopefully they will sleep all night!

Now, the wake up times vary! If they wake early, we usually play. Sometimes one will nap, the other will not. Or one will nap longer. Also, for bedtime they don't always fall asleep right away. Sometimes it takes until 8 pm to get them to sleep. But that is our basic schedule. If we go out during the day I usually feed them at 1:30 and then we go out. Or like last night they were starving at 5 pm, so they ate then. So it's definitely flexible! I go by their cues first, but this is the basic pattern it has taken. I do try to ge them to sleep after they have been awake for 1-2 hours. They seem to do best when they nap after being up for 1 1/2 hours.

I know this will all change soon. I'm thinking they might go through some weird sleep patterns at 4 months- which is 1 week! And then again when they drop one nap.

I'm really not looking forward to going back to work. I'm just scared it will be difficult for hubby to get ready for work and take care of the girls. But we will have to make it work. Maybe next year I could work part time.

Over the weekend we took the girls to the pediatrician. They are really congested and coughing. Sofia is really bad! No fever or anything, but I wanted to make sure they weren't getting an ear infection or pneumonia or anything. I figure better safe than sorry. So we went, and they are fine- just a cold. They said just to keep an eye on them and keep suctioning their noses! They did get weighed- Maya was 10 lbs 14 oz and Sofia is 12 lbs 11 oz. I may be a little off on the ounces.

Oh, and now I caught this cold from them! I started feeling sick last night, and it's not too bad yet, but I can tell I'm getting sick. I stocked up on vitamin c drops so hopefully those help.

You may remember that I have a stress fracture in my foot and have to wear this lovely shoe and can't work out. I was so afraid of gaining weight, but I've lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks! I am very happy about that! I think it is a combination of things, but probably one of the biggest factors is that I went back on the pill. I think my PCOS symptoms were coming back ,and it is impossible for me to lose weight when I do nothing about the PCOS. So the birth control pills suppressed the symptoms, and so now I am losing weight, Also, I've been eating at home almost exclusively. We eat out maybe ince a week. It was a lot more before we had the girls! And I have been trying to watch my portion sizes. I think the weight loss came at the right time because it is helping to keep me motivated.

Another great thing is that my belly is going down! I have diastasis and I have been doing the exercises to help it. I checked it last night and it feels like I only have about a 2 finger separation! I used to be able to fit my whole hand in there! It still pushes out a little at the top, but it is so much better. I do have plenty of twin skin, but that will start getting a little better as I lose weight.

Things are going really well right now, and I couldn't be happier! I feel so lucky to have both of my girls. They are awesome. I love their smiles and laughs, and even their pouty mouths when they get upset. And even though I would never wish infertility on anyone, and it is not something that anyone should have to go through, I know it has made me much more appreciative of my two girls. I definitely do not take them for granted!

CNN story

I was just watching CNN- I watch it pretty much all day long since there is nothing else on- and they had a brief story on how more and more babies are being born early and with low birth weights. They showed a woman with twins who were born at around 28 weeks and one did not survive. I didn't think it was that fair to show twins, when twins are a special case since so many things can go wrong. But they didn't say this was specific to twins. They did say that Maryland has one of the highest rates and is one of the richest states. They then went on to say that more prenatal care is needed. Well, they somewhat contradicted themselves. In states that have a "wealthier" population, prenatal care is better. So, while I'm sure that is part of the problem, I don't think it explains all the high numbers.

What I do think is also contributing to this is that women are not putting on enough weight. We are shown pictures of celebrities who look like they have not gained ANY weight at all. Any celebrity who did gain a decent amount of weight we either don't see ot they talk about how much weight they've put on. I've seen tons of pictures of Angelina Jolie who was pregnant with twins, and she was so skinny. They know for twins that the amount of weight the mom puts on does correlate to birth weight. I'm sure that can translate to singletons as well. I've also seen reports on message boards about doctors who pretty much make the girl feel awful for gaining weight.There were a couple cases where the girls were perhaps a little overweight, but not much, and the doctors only wanted them gaining a certain amount, like 10 or 15 pounds. Then when they went over they were chastised. That is not ok. I am a believer that if you eat healthy, and enough calories, your body will put on the weight it NEEDS. If you need to gain 50, 60 lbs, so be it. As long as the baby is healthy. Now, if you are eating a bunch of junk and putting on a lot of weight, that's not ok. The baby does need nutrients. But I just think we are becoming too conditioned as a society to be super thin, and it is harming everyone.

I have a few sleep books, and I have been reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. A lot of twin moms recommended it, so I got it. At first, I really liked it! The first few chapters were really good. I figured out that Sofia was fussy around 5 pm because she was overtired. So once I got that figured out, things became easier. And the part about 0-4 months was great. Last night I started reading about months 5-12, and I'm not sure I agree with it. One part talks about putting the child down for a nap, and if they cry let them cry- but never for more than 1 hour. One HOUR?!? I really don't think I could do that. Not at 5 months anyway! Probably not until 2 years, and even then I don't think I would let my child cry that long. I will say that the author does give other methods, but this is one of them. Then, at the end of the chapter he tries to rationalize this and gives all sorts of expert opinions. I still did learn a lot from this book, I just happen to disagree with the author that you need to let a baby cry for that long. I'm going to revisit the book, The No Cry Sleep Solution and see what they have to say.

It's not like I need that much help with sleep right now. I'm lucky my girls are pretty good sleepers. They do sleep at night. Yes, sometimes Maya grunts and flails around, and this wakes me up. But that is because she is in the co-sleeper next to me. I don't think I would wake if she were in her crib. Hubby still has to wake them at 2 or so in the morning to feed them. We still wake them because they aren't eating enough total ounces during the day.

Politics/Current Events

Time out now for a quick politics and current event rant.

I was watching Good Morning America today and they had the guy from Texas on who shot and killed two burglars who were breaking into his neighbors house. They played the 911 tape, and it really sounded like he wanted to go out there and be a vigilante. They talked to the guy, and of course he is now trying to come off like a nice guy. He said he was scared, that's why he sounded like that. Yeah, I don't think so. Also, the autopsy report said that the 2 men were shot in the back. The man said, "That's not totally true." Umm, what?!? He said one of the men rushed him and then turned at last minute and was shot in the side. I don't think so.And in the 911 tape he said "don't move a muscle or I'll shoot" Doesn't sound like something someone would say if he was being rushed. And the guys weren't even armed.
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Also on Good Morning America, they had John McCain. I am no fan of McCain. He was in Colombia because yes, visiting there and Mexico is oh so important right now when we have economic troubles here. Before they could even ask him why he was there, he started his little spiel on why he was there. He said he was there because there are still drugs coming into America. So please tell me, what is meeting with the leaders of these countries going to do? He went on to say that the price of cocaine has gone up- which is good because less people will buy it. Um, ok, but only wealthy people who can afford it do coke. Many drug addicts do crack and METH- which is made right here in the good 'ole States!

The reporter than asked him about the Free Trade agreement and how people are worried about losing more jobs. So instead of answering the question he went on to talk about how we need to solve the energy problem, and off shore drilling, etc. Nice.

I just really can't stand him, and honestly, he is starting to scare me almost as much as Bush!

Ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming :)