I'm trying to stay positive. It's pretty hard, especially for me. And really, yes, I can think some positive thoughts about the situation, but dammit, this hurts!! You know, I used to think that it was awful because I had never even seen a positive pregnancy test. Having a positive test only later to have it ripped away from you, is hard. The hardest thing I've had to go through yet. Now I'm not saying that constantly getting a negative test is any better. They are both awful. But there is something heartbreaking about having this ray of hope that, yes! I finally got pregnant! How wonderful! And then a few days later being told that I am barely pregnant?? Heartbreaking. Even worse is when the flow started. Feeling the horrible cramps - worse than any regular AF I've had - knowing that these cramps are pushing your little bean out, just heartbreaking. Then seeing the red, bright red, on the toilet paper, knowing it is over. There are no words for what I'm feeling.

I really intended to talk about the positives when I started writing, but that's not what came out. So, the positives. At least we know we can get pregnant. I know that now doing injects and IUI, we will really have a good chance, since we did get pregnant this time. I am thankful in a weird way that I have a diagnosis of PCOS and now that I know I can get pregnant. Even though it hurts.

As I've been thinking about things all throughout today, I realized that this experience has changed me. I was in class tonight, and my friend was stressed out about assignments we had - on top of everything at work - and I just thought, so what? Really, class is not stressful, because there are more important things in life. I remember just last week I was really upset because I didn't get as good of an evaluation on my teaching performance for class as I'd hoped - I'm a perfectionist and I was really hoping for a near perfect score. My score was actually quite good, but I got so upset. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, that score didn't seem so important. And now - well it really is not that important to me anymore. Before, I was always worried about what other people thought of me, and sometimes that could hurt me. I was easily intimidated by people and sometimes would be nicer than I should be because I didn't want anyone to not like me. But I think that is changing also. There is a situation at work, and I've been nice to this person who is giving me hell. Now, I'm done with that. I don't care what she thinks of me. And what good is it to stress about everything? I used to stress about every little thing. Now, it just doesn't seem like I should stress. It's not worth my energy to stress. There are more important things to do. I can't always be the best at everything I do, obviously. I didn't get pregnant right away, and I couldn't even keep one. I know it's not my fault - I'm sure the egg quality wasn't the greatest since I ovulated late, or the sperm wasn't ideal, or some other chromosomal issue, but I have felt like a failure, and less of a woman. But now I am realizing that it isn't going to work out perfect, and therefore, not everything in my life has to be perfect.

As my friend was freaking out over assignments, I really had to keep myself from laughing at her though. All I could think was, um, you are stressing over ASSIGNMENTS. ASSIGNMENTS! For crying out loud!! You will get them done and it will be fine!! I just lost a LIFE! Assignments, work? Give me a break! So unimportant comparatively!

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with the RE for an ultrasound to get the go ahead to start my injects cycle. I think not taking a month off is best. It gives me something to look forward to, instead of just being depressed about things that have already happened.

It's Over - Worst Birthday Ever

My Birthday was yesterday. Worst birthday ever.

On my way to getting my blood drawn, I started having really bad cramps. By that point, with everything else I knew it was over. At the office, of course I had to wait a long time before they called me which really was awful since I was about to lose it.

Finally I get called and the same person who drew my blood last time was there. She said, "Weren't you just in here a couple days ago?" Um, yeah! I'm thinking: don't you know anything about HcG draws?? You work in a lab!! It took forever for my blood to fill the two vials. Finally, I went back to work, but knew I had to go home. Good thing I did because I started AF. That was tough. And I've been having really bad cramps all day. So bad ibuprofin isn't even really helping.

I had my husband call the RE to ask about what happens next, and if I can start the injects cycle. I'm hoping they call before I have to go to class tonight.

Thanks for all of your well-wishes, it means a lot.

I think it's over. I took a digital test just now, and it was not pregnant. It was a different brand than I was using, but I'm also spotting a tiny bit. I go for a beta this morning, and will know tonight.

Today's digital still says "pregnant." I'm not giving up hope yet. I'm just going to chill, and try not to stress about anything. Of course, right now I have to deal with a bitchy person at work. My plan is to avoid her for the next few days.

It still weirds me out that the digi says pregnant, but the beta was so low. I always heard that digis take more HcG than normal tests to read positives. Hmm.

...

I got my beta result. It is 14. So the person on the phone (not my normal nurse) said it "may not be viable" so I have to have a repeat done in 2 days. I'm trying to think positive, but it's tough.

And the newest one:

Ok, a picture of my tests. The last one was a lot lighter when I read it, but I guess a line is a line, right?

I tested again this morning, but with a different test. I thought, according to peeonastick.com, that the Target brand with 2 lines was supposed to be pink due. But mine was blue dye. I've heard bad things about the blue dye, so I was not happy. Well, I got another + but it was also faint.

I found some pics of BFPs that were really faint, but those women are still pg so I feel a LITTLE better, but not much. I need a beta! I am calling first thing in the morning.

Thanks for the comments! I will update people at the different sites I visit when I get a blood test confirmation. I am just way too nervous yet. I'm still in shock.

OMG

OMGOMGOMGOMG!

I tested this morning. I have a line!! It's fairly faint, but I guess a line is a line. I'm so nervous right now - what if it's wrong?? I will go and buy another test, just to be sure. But it's way too early to do that now. And now I'm scared to tell my hubby! I can't believe there is a line. And it's not so faint that you have to squint or anything - it's clearly there. OMG.

I'm really freaking out right now. Wow, if this is really happening, I won't have to inject myself!

Yes, it's been awhile since I posted! I've been super busy with work and school. I'm currently getting my Reading Specialist Credential and one class I am taking is super intense and time consuming. Totally worth it, but I am too busy!

Last week, I called the RE because my temps showed I hadn't ovulated yet. So she ordered blood work for me. Now, I didn't get the blood work done until this week, Wednesday, since I was too busy last week and we went out of town for the weekend. So Wednesday I got progesterone and HcG tested to get the go ahead to take provera to start my period so we can get on with the injects already! Well, I just had a message from the nurse, and the progesterone test showed that I ovulated!! That's 2 months in a row! Yes, a bit late, but I did it! So now I have to wait for AF to show. If she doesn't show in a couple weeks, I will test. I'm not sure when I ovulated since I stopped taking my temp earlier last week.

When I got my blood work done, I also picked up my injects! Gulp! I'm scared to do it, but I have to. I'm not really sure how I will be able to inject myself, but I have to.

It was quite "funny" when I picked up my meds. My insurance thankfully pays for the injects, but not apparently, for the progesterone suppositories!! So I'm getting thousands of dollars worth of injects for $5 each, and here I am paying $40 for suppositories. Oh, the irony.

Injects Time

My RE won't do just metformin and IUI. She says that my cycles will still probably be irregular so it's hard to time. So she gave me the option of either trying naturally for 2 months just on metformin, or going to injects. So, of course I chose injects! I'm sick of waiting, plus who knows if my egg quality is any good just on met. Also, I have a feeling if I did keep ovulating, it would be really late in my cycle and by then I'm sick of bd and tend to miss the right days. So injects and IUI will make it all so much easier in a way.

I'm nervous about injects too though. I HATE needles! But, if I get the follitism pen, that shouldn't be too bad. I've heard the needle is really small. I will just have to remember why I'm doing it and I think I'll be fine. I go in March 22 for the injects class and will be starting them shortly after that.

They also said that their office will deal with my insurance, so I'm hoping it all gets worked out! I have a feeling that it will still be a huge headache though. Not sure what i'll do if they won't pay at all. But I don't see how they can not pay at all, when I have paperwork saying that they WILL pay.

I Ovulated!!!!

Looks like I really did ovulate on my own! This is so exciting! I just had a period, and it was a real period, so I must have ovulated on my own! I called the RE yesterday to find out my next steps, but she didn't get back to me until late and I was in class. So I will call her again today and find out what my next steps are! I think I will try 1 more cycle on my own, and maybe do an IUI with it. It would be nice to get pregnant without having to do injects!

I haven't stopped blogging!

No, I haven't stopped blogging! I've just been super busy!

I do have exciting news: I think I ovulated on my own! I've been on the metformin now for a little over a month. I had a ton of EWCM this cycle and I started spotting today! So, if I get af, I know I ovulated! I never get af unless I do ovulate, so I think it is safe to say that. If I did ovulate, I'm temping next cycle. I still need to decide if I'll move on to injects. I think I may just try it natural for another month if I in fact did O.

I feel sort of bad. A year ago, my best friend accidentally got pregnant. She had just started fating her current boyfriend, and, get this, he was wearing a condom!!! She has a history of getting pregnant like this. She has 2 kids, both conceived on BCPs. She is very fertile. Anyway, she ended up having an abortion because she could not have another kid right now. She is still with her boyfriend and would love to marry him and have more kids. But today she told me how she was paranoid that having an abortion messed up her fertility somehow. She told me how the nurse practitioner said she was fine (yeah, like you can tell ANYTHING about fertility from a pelvic exam, give me a break!), and she was relieved and just worried. Well, I had a flash of wanting her to have some difficulty getting pregnant next time she wants to. Of course, I felt really bad after, but it was there. I think I would just like her to know how it feels. She actually knows 2 other women besides me who have had to go to REs and get fertility treatments. She has become a bit more sensitive (she used to not be sensitive at ALL), but she still has no clue what it actually feels like.

This is great!

This was posted on a board I go to, and I think it's great! I hear comments like these all the time (having to do w/ infertility). Doesn't it sound ridiculous when you put in this context? So why can't people be more sensitive?

If we were paralyzed instead of infertile, would people say this to us??

As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

Boy, I wish I were paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk everywhere!

My cousin was paralyzed, but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

Sorry, we don't cover your treatment for paraplegia because it's not a life-threatening illness.

Oh, I have just the opposite problem, I have to walk walk walk everywhere I go.

You're just trying to hard, relax and you'll be able to walk.

You're SO lucky...Think of the money you save on shoes!

I don't know why you are being so selfish! You should at least be happy that I can walk!!

I hope you don't try those anti-paralyzation drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

Look at those people hiking ... doesn't that make you want to hike?

Do you want to rub my legs? That might help you walk and give you luck.

Take a vacation and you'll walk!

I just ran a marathon and won. Let me tell you all about it and show you my medal and tell you how everyone is doting on me!

Here is a special walking shoe pendant. If you put it under your pillow then it will help you walk. Three other people who limped because of sprains and were so worried are walking just fine now.

You are just too worried about never walking, it's all in your head! If you stop thinking about it so much, it will happen.

AARRRRGGGHHHH Insurance!!!!!!

I am SO frustrated right now!! My insurance is saying the RE is not covered. So I go through all the trouble of getting a referral, making sure I am covered, go to the RE and then I get a bill from the RE. So then I called the insurance company and they told me I AM covered. So I called the hmo and they called my insurance while I was on the line and told the hmo I do NOT have coverage. So now, I had to contact a third party administrator. UGH, so frustrating! I know I am covered. If they changed the policy, they never informed me of taking out fertility coverage, so I don't think they can do that. I'm just scared I will have to pay it. For 2 visits, it is $2000. How the hell am I then supposed to afford more visits with more ultrasounds and injects?? I really hate this. I should have known this would happen.

Best ever

Best site ever!

www.loungeplace.com/bb/

There is a link to the right under "links"

I hate thinking of titles

In a little over a week, I lost 1 pound! Woohoo! The metformin has decreased my appetite and I've really had to watch what I eat so I don't get sick. Since I started taking it, I really haven't had any hypoglycemic episodes. Wait. I did have one yesterday, but I could pinpoint WHY I had it. I had a small piece of carrot cake and no protein with it, and nothing after it. Before met, it wouldn't matter WHAT I ate, I would have a reaction about 2-3 hours after I ate. So this is so nice.

You may have noticed I took off the fertility friend link in my blog. Well, I'm mad at them. It's too "big brotherish" over there. You can't even PM someone your own email address without getting in trouble! It's getting a bit ridiculous. But, I have found a new home.

metformin

I am finally starting to not feel nauseous!! My appetite is coming back a bit, but it is still reduced. I am very thirsty all the time and must have water only. I tried drinking a vitamin water (which I LOVE) and couldn't drink it.

Must. Have. Plain. Water.

I've been eating healthier, and that helps a lot. But since I was nauseous this weekend, I didn't get much at the store. This week I started classes, so it's been tough getting food. And I was scared to eat much Monday and Tuesday because I didn't want to get nauseous again. Today I ate more and not just protein, and didn't get sick, so that was good.

It would be so nice if the met made me ovulate! I'm still trying to decide if I should start temping again. My RE doesn't want me to, but it is tempting!

Not a good weekend!

I started Metformin yesterday. Was nauseous on and off all day and night. For dinner, I thought I would be ok to eat a burrito (whole wheat tortilla) from Rubio's. But I went to eat it, and it tasted nasty! It almost made me throw up! The good part about metformin is that it is suppressing my appetite so far.

DH is frustrating me. On New Year's, he said he was going to quit drinking to make sure his spermies are fine. I thought that was great! Well, that didn't happen. The last 2 weekends, he was helping his cousin move (he previously lived in Michigan) and they would go out after. Fine. I thought last weekend was the last drinking weekend. This weekend his cousin came down to visit and watch the game. Originally DH said he wasn't going to drink. Then, last night right before cousin gets here, he says he is going to drink some. That made me so mad! He said he wasn't going to get trashed, just have a few beers. Well, no, that's not ok! I have had to make SO many sacrifices, he could make this one! And, he couldn't even see it from my point of view. He said he did, but I don't think so because he doesn't see what the big deal is. I tried to tell him I needed his support, and by not drinking that is supporting me.

Remember, this happened minutes before cousin showed up. So we have still not had a chance to resolve this, and won't until cousin leaves tonight. I'm just so annoyed.

To make matters worse, a friend in my Buddy Group on another site was pretty mean to me. That, on top of everything else is not fun.

The Plan

It feels so nice to finally have a good plan in place. I feel like I'm moving forward again with TTC.

I went to the RE yesterday and had my follow up appointment. I was super nervous because last time there was a cyst that was not fluid filled. The RE wasn't too concerned, but I was! She did the ultrasound and it was gone! That was a huge relief! We then went over all the other tests. I didn't write everything down, but a few I did:
Testosterone: 93
FSH: 3.7
LH: 5.8

So my testosterone is really high! She said it is higher than she usually sees with PCOS patients. She also said in normal weight PCOS patients, the FSH to LH ratio is usually higher. She said I was unusual because the numbers are pretty normal. But I did get Metformin! I am going to start it tomorrow. I had the choice of starting injects now, or waiting to see if the met made me ovulate. She wanted me to try the met first, and I agree. It would be NICE if all I need is the met!

DH got his sperm analysis, and it all looked pretty good:
count: 61.7 million
motility: 62%
morphology on strict Kruger scale: 11%

the morphology was a little low, but the doc said it was fine. So I'm going to try not to stress over it too much!

If anyone is reading this, and is dealing with infertility, please try to go to an RE. It is so much better than the OB or other doctor! Push for it if you need a referral and can't get one. I can't tell you how much better I feel now that I'm under the care of an RE.