Holidays

I made it through the holidays and I made it through flying! I took a pregnancy test, negative of course. This was probably THE ONLY time I sort of wanted a negative because I needed to take Xanax for flying! The Xanax helped a little, but I think I need something stronger to really knock me out. No family made any dumb comments! I was pleased.

4 more days until my RE appointment, and I am so excited! I just want to get everything moving and finally get pregnant!

Flying

I hate flying. I have panic attacks and get so anxious when I fly. So on Friday, I will be flying to Indianapolis to visit DH's family. I'm sure it's a control thing. I like being in control, and so this infertility thing is really difficult for me because of that. So I will take a HPT on Thursday morning, just to make sure I'm not pregnant (there is no way I could be, but I need to be 200% sure) so I can take xanax on the flight. I am also getting an audio-book to distract me. My therapist recommended it. I usually just listen to music but she said that music doesn't distract your brain like listening to a book. So, I will try the book thing! Of course, I've narrowed it down to 3 books, and can't decide. I might end up getting 2 though. The three are: Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris, The Stupidest Angel by Christopher Moore, and The End by Lemony Snicket narrated by Tim Curry! So you can see why I'm having a hard time deciding!

We are staying at SIL's house. She has a brand new 3 month old baby. And I am excited and happy for her, and can't wait to see the baby, but I just hope it doesn't make me too sad.

Paperwork

I will be seeing Dr. Morales who is with Fertility Specialists Medical Group. I just got my packet of information, and there are SO many forms to fill out! I think I have most of them complete. It's a good thing I was charting, because it asks you some specific questions. If I hadn't put it on my chart, I would have no clue! I also thought it was very nice that they put directions and a map from map quest with directions starting at my house, to the clinic!

Did I mention how happy I am that I'm going to the RE?? I can't wait to go! I have a renewed sense of optimism now!

Woohoo! FINALLY going to the RE!

So after a month of dealing with the OB office that couldn't get it together, I got my referral for the RE today! Then, I called and made my appointment with the RE! I will be going on Jan. 4th. I am so excited!!!

Christmas Party

I realized I forgot to update what happened at DH's Christmas Party! It wasn't too bad, I was dealing with the pregnant lady well. She isn't showing yet which I think helped. But one thing did bug me. You know how when you've been struggling TTC you change your lifestyle and do certain things in hopes that it will help you get pregnant? For example, I have given up aspartame. I wasn't planning on consuming it while pregnant anyway, but I gave it up *just in case* it was hindering my ovulation or implantation, or something. Well, at the party, the pregnant lady had a diet coke!! Not only is there caffeine, which I almost completely cut out (well, until this cycle I'm drinking it a lot since I don't think I'm going to ovulate), but aspartame!! That just annoyed me.

Hopefully, I will hear TODAY about my referral to the RE. I probably won't though. I have a feeling I won't hear anything and I will end up calling tomorrow and they will tell me something like, "We haven't heard anything." It would be nice to hear some good news for once!

I'm so sick of doctor's offices!

So about a month ago I talked to my doctor and he said he would get me a referral to the RE. I waited a week (like he told me) and called his office. They told me it would take 2 weeks. Well, that next week was Thanksgiving. So I waited until the following Monday and called. Guess what? My OB did not word it correctly so they did not know I needed a referral!! So then she said some committee meets twice a week and she would hear by that Friday. That was this past Friday. She did not call, so I called her. I found out that MY insurance has not gotten back to them about if I can go to the RE. They said I would hear on Monday or Tuesday. I am so mad. I know my insurance covers this. I don't understand why it is taking so long. It is just a normal referral that normally takes NO time at all! And because of mistakes, this has taken almost a month. It is just so frustrating and I really hate waiting!

:(

I've been doing really well lately. I haven't been getting depressed about not being pregnant or anything. It's been sort of nice being on a semi-break before getting to go to the RE. Well, that all changed tonight!

I think really what happened first was that at the store there was an overabundance of young moms with babies. They were EVERYWHERE. But, I didn't let it get me down. I got my groceries and left. I was fine.

Then, hubby calls me. Tells me his friend at work told him not to tell me, but he is telling me anyway. So he proceeds to tell me that his friend's wife is PREGNANT. They already have 2 kids. They weren't even trying, they didn't even want another kid.
I broke down. I hung up on hubby because I couldn't talk to him right then. I was crying too much.
I felt better after crying it out and called hubby.

I think it's hard for men because they really don't understand what we are going through. Yes, they can be there for us and empathize with us, but they don't know.

Amazing how one little thing can set you off. And I was doing so well! The other part is that I have to see the wife on Friday at the company party. That will be difficult. I explained to hubby why it would have been better if he had waited until after the party. He gets it now, after the fact.

It's really hard to stay positive.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was nice. I cooked for DH and I, and I made just about everything from scratch this year! It was really pretty easy. I do find it a little hard to find things to be thankful for. Because really, the biggest thing on my mind is getting pregnant. But, I'm trying to stay positive and right now I'm trying not to worry about it at all. I told myself I wouldn't stress until we go to the RE. Hopefully Monday I will find out when my appointment with the RE is!

Really, the whole waiting thing is getting old

My OB said that the referral would take a week. So, like a good girl, I waited a week and then called his office when I didn't hear back. Well, they told me that it takes TWO weeks! And gee, what is at the end of next week? Thanksgiving. A holiday. So now I will have to wait until the week after. So annoying.

I'm not in the greatest of moods. I'm happy I have a whole week off for Thanksgiving, but yesterday was my last day at my current job. It was so sad. I feel so guilty for leaving my students. My new position will be great, but I still feel so bad!

Of course

I was looking at my health coverage, and of course it does not cover injectables. Just great. Well, at least I get to go to the RE! I'm going to try not to freak out about the cost until after I go and discuss that. So I'm not sure how many cycles on injects we will be able to do. I might just have to suck it up on the clomid.

It's just really annoying that these things are typically not covered by insurance! Viagra is covered, but not fertility treatments! I really think it should be required that every plan in every state have full coverage for fertility.

New Plan

I didn't write about this last cycle. I'm not sure why. My emotional side effects were really bad on the clomid last cycle. Before, I had been depressed and emotional, pretty standard for clomid. However, I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for years now. I have a feeling my mood swings on clomid are probably more intense than most people's. Last cycle, I was doing fine. Then I had a very stressful week at work, which probably contributed. At the end of the week, I pretty much broke down. It was nothing like before. I had been upset on clomid before, but this was way worse. I had to call my husband to come home because I thought I might hurt myself. It was that bad.

Of course, I did not tell my OB because I saw no point. After that day I thought I could handle it again. I had to. I'm not going to ovulate any other way. I did tell my psychologist though. She asked if she could call my OB and talk to him about getting on an antidepressant while on the clomid. I went off of antidepressants a year ago because I did not want to TTC while on them. I know that some studies show that some antidepressants are "safe" but I don't trust that. I mean, look at me, I can't ovulate on my own after coming off BCP's even though all the studies say BCPs won't affect fertility! Anyway, I thought it might be a good idea to go on antidepressants just for a month or two while I get through the clomid. So I let her talk to my OB.

Finally, after playing phone tag with my OB, I finally got him on the phone. I explained to him how it was and his suggestion was to move on to injectables. He said he would not prescribe antidepressants to anyone TTC because there is research that shows it could be harmful. My OB does not do injectables, so he is referring me to the RE!! I am VERY excited about that! I'm also glad I won't have to do clomid again, though I'm scared about injectables. I hate needles. Hopefully it won't be too bad, though I don't know if I will be able to inject myself. I'm just happy I finally get to see the RE.

Yawn!

Nothing much going on here. I started the provera yesterday and I'm not temping. I'm not sure that I will temp this cycle. OPK and the ovwatch should be more than enough!

I was trying to save this blog only for TTC issues, but since my TTC life is so BORING right now, I'll discuss other issues. I got a new position! I'm really excited! I will be a Literacy Coach at a different middle school. I will also be teaching 2 support classes. It would be nicer if I could coach all day, but hey, you gotta start somewhere, right? For the coaching part, I'm pretty sure I will be helping content area teachers use strategies to help their students read and write better. I think I will also be planning some professional development for the staff. This is what I've wanted to do for awhile, so I am excited! Not sure when I start, they have to find a replacement for me at my current school first.

I am really sad about leaving my current students. It sucks to leave in the middle of the year! Right when we were getting comfortable with each other, and when they are finally getting into a rhythm. But, this was an opportunity I could not pass up! I am especially worried about one student in particular. He is awful in most teacher's classes. Rude and disruptive, but in my class he's OK. Not a "perfect" student, but he has never once been rude to me. And he is not that disruptive. So I'm really worried how he will act when I'm gone. I just don't want him in the office all the time. He needs to be in class. They better hire someone good to fill my spot!

Round 4

I think I'm counting right. Round 4? Finally talked to my doctor. He increased my clomid dose since I did not ovulate last cycle. e are also doing IUI this cycle. I really hope this one works!

My husband and I went to a wedding a week ago. It was awful because we were sat at a table with 2 couples who had recently had babies (one had twins!) and the other couple was newly pregnant. Twice they talked about babies, and twice I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Hubby was really sweet though. I came back the second time, and he told me he finally figured out why I was going to the bathroom, and said he tried to change the subject. I thought that was very sweet! I honestly did not expect him to be so perceptive!

I also just got my Ovwatch, thanks to Lexie! I think it's cool that it will detect 4 fertile days. Much larger window than the OPKs. I'm also going to do the OPKs and compare the two.

When can my new cycle start, please?

I'm afraid the desk at my doctor's office did not give my doctor my message. I called Thursday afternoon, and have not heard back. I suppose it is possible he didn't work today, but they usually tell me. I just want to start a new cycle!

Of course, when I went to get my hair done today everyone was talking about babies or being pregnant. The receptionist is pregnant, the client before me just gave to twins, and there was other talk of babies and pregnancy. It was no fun. But my hair looks good!

IUI

I've pretty much decided we will do IUI. I'm a bit concerned about my not ovulating this month. I am going to request an ultrasound or something to see if I have cysts. I am testing tomorrow so I can get a BFN and call my doc and start a new cycle. I really wish I would have ovulated this month though!

So now what do I do?

I need to decided if I want to do IUI next cycle. This cycle looks like a bust, and if it is then the OB will increase my dose of clomid. I am not liking the mood swings on it, but I'm not going to ovulate without it. I could take a break, but I think I would drive myself crazy if I did that. I am so not patient. Part of me wants to do the clomid next cycle, but not the IUI. But then again, if I do the IUI that increases my chances and I just had an HSG so that also increases my chances. I will have to think about this some more!

Doctor Appointment

I had my follow-up appointment today. HSG was normal, like the radiologist said. My OB was surprised the HSG hurt so much. But, I'm really sensitive plus I think they jammed it up there too far at first. Just my luck. Anyway, I also asked him if the HSG could delay ovulation. He said it shouldn't and then he looked at my charts. But I don't think he likes the temping too much, though he is nice and always looks at my charts. He said the HSG could mess with my temps. He also said that if I don't start af in about a week, to take a pregnancy test. If that is negative I have to call him and he will up my dosage of clomid. Oh yay. I just love clomid. If I am not pregnant this cycle, we are moving on to IUI! I need to decide if I want to take a month off or go right to it. Still not sure. The mood swing this month from the clomid was really bad, but I hate sitting out a cycle. We will do 3 IUI's and if I am still not knocked up, he will refer me to a specialist.

I hope my work doesn't ask me WHY I've had SO many doctor's appointments! This is the second time I've had to get someone to cover my classes while I go. I don't really want to explain why, and I won't have to, but I don't even want anyone asking. But so far nobody has.

Post HSG temps

My chart is crazy. My temps are all over the place. It has to be because of the HSG. It is so frustrating because I was so regular on the clomid for the cycles before the HSG. It doesn't help that my husband works an opposite schedule as me. Then, I have to stay up until way past my bedtime. Then the next day, I'm tired. It's not bad when there is a week of that, but now I have no clue when I'm going to ovulate.

Wednesday I have a follow-up appointment with my OB. I will ask him if this is normal for after an HSG. I'm also going to ask him about IUI, trigger shots, and being monitored.

The other day I went back and looked at some old posts. I was surprised to see comments! I didn't think anyone was reading this :) Thank you all for your support!
Someone asked me how long I've been TTC. It has been 1 year this month. I've only had 3 ovulatory cycles though (which have been the past 3 months). Very frustrating.

Did I ovulate?

It looks like I may have ovulated, but I'm not sure. More waiting. Wait to see what my temps do. I have a follow up appointment tomorrow with my OB. I'm sure we will discuss IUI. So that will be good. There will be a plan!

HSG

I know I haven't updated in awhile. I told you I am bad at this! Anyway, yesterday I had my HSG (hysterosalpingogram). Boy that was fun. NOT. Basically what they do is insert a catheter into your cervix, blow up a little balloon and then shoot xray fluid in there to see if your tubes are blocked. Man, is it painful!

The worst was when they blew up the balloon. That really hurt and then they expected me to slide backward! I could barely move because it hurt so bad. I moved back and after a bit the pain subsided a little. However, at that point I just wanted it to be OVER and I thought it was taking them too long to get the dye ready to shoot up me. Finally, they did the dye. That hurt too. During the HSG, I got all sweaty, dizzy, and nauseous and thought I was going to pass out! I didn't, I got to see my tubes and that was pretty interesting, if only I wasn't in so much pain! The good news is my tubes are open and everything looks good!

They took everything out, but then I started feeling sweaty, dizzy, and nauseous again! I had to lay there for a long time. I felt bad because I was taking up their room, but they really didn't want me passing out. So, I stayed. I was probably in there for 15 min. or so, even though it felt like an hour! Finally I was good to get up. I'm glad I had my husband with me!

The other good part about having this done is that it cleans everything out and your chances for getting pregnant increase. I hope it works!