I have to vent. About DH. Everything has been going ok, then yesterday wasn't the greatest. First, I will say that my personality is a little bit like Kate's from Jon and Kate Plus 8. I'm not quite as extreme as she is, but sometimes I do get that tone in my voice. This has been an issue with DH and I. So we made the agreement that if I had that tone, he would tell me nicely. So yesterday, twice he tells me. Both times I play what I said over in my head, and no, I did not have that tone. I know sometimes I don't know I am doing it, and that is usually when I'm stressed and need to get something done. But yesterday I was not stressed out, and there was no tone to my voice. So that just made me mad. It was like he was using that as an excuse. However, I think the way I handled wasn't the best either. I think I can handle it better next time.
The other issue is that I'm getting really stressed about next week when I go back to work. I am so afraid that the girls are going to get off schedule and then when I get home they will be super fussy and I will be left to deal with it. Yesterday, I put the girls down for a nap and then went to the store. I wasn't gone for too long and when I got back, both were awake, and Sofia was fussy. I tried to give DH tips for what to do when that happened, but he didn't want to hear. I made sure I said it nicely too, but he just got mad at me. That frustrates me soooo much because I have been with them 24 hours a day fr the last 5 months. I know what to do in certain situations and it took awhile to figure things out. I am only trying to help. I could see him getting mad if I was telling him in a way that put him down, but I made sure not to. However, I think he still took it in that way. But then when I leave him totally alone and don't say anything, he gets frustrated and wants me to take over. So I'm just so worried that there will be a meltdown and he will get frustrated and do nothing. Then I will be left with 2 fussy babies.
Then, I asked DH if he could finish loading the dishwasher so I could go to bed. He said sure. There wasn't even that many dishes. Well, I woke up this morning and it wasn't done. This is at least the second time that has happened. I am so frustrated because I've been doing everything. And when I go back to work, that CANNOT happen. We BOTH will be working full time and taking care of the girls. We BOTH will need to do equal amounts of housework. I'm afraid that isn't going to happen. I am looking into getting a housekeeper, but we will need to do daily cleaning as well. DH is so addicted to the internet right now. And I admit, I was too. But I quickly realized that things work better if I just let it go and take care of the girls' needs and not worry about what is going on in internet land. I get on the internet when I have a few spare minutes. DH isn't at that point yet, and it scares me.
I also feel like *I* am the one who has to change everything, and DH thinks he doesn't have to change at all. Lie I'm the only one doing something wrong. And that's not the case. We BOTH have to work at this. And I have been. I haven't seen him working at it though. I'm just really fed up and tired of it. I do know that a lot of MoMs have relationship trouble the first year, but I wish it would get better sooner.
I would love to go to counseling, but we have nobody to watch the girls. I guess we could find someone. Of course, that makes me nervous- leaving them with a stranger- but it would be worth it.
I fed the girls rice cereal yesterday. I will update later with that and I even have pics!