OH yes, that picture was fresh from the salon! I was convinced I could get it to look exactly the same because really, she made it look so easy. Well, I have not been able to duplicate it exactly. I hate that. I can get it close, but not as smooth. Oh well.

So I think this blog may turn in to a frustrations about work and also about parenting twins blog. I really don't see any way around it since I am back at work and alread I am so frustrated with co-workers. So I will have my work vent now, because I really need to vent about it.

Background: I am a literacy coach in middle schools and work with a specific program. There are other coaches at other schools. This year me and two others will be working at 3 middle schools together. We will be working with the content area teachers to integrate literacy strategies into their teaching. I am the ONLY coach of the three that has a literacy background- and I have a strong literacy background. I just completed the Reading Specialist Credential program.The other two have a background in science.

Last week, they called me and wanted to meet the next day. Um, no. I have twins and can't just meet on short notice. So, we were supposed to meet Monday during lunch. That didn't happen because one had an errand to run. Today, we couldn't meet because the other one forgot her computer. Meanwhile I have picked up on the fact that they have planned a pd (professional development) for next Monday and Tuesday. They have not really told me this directly. And I have no idea what they have planned. Then one, we'll call her "A," wanted me to email her some names of teachers at my middle school who might like to attend. I do that and then she tells me she also went ahead and emailed the intervention class teacher (who I have worked with very closely). Well, she sent me a copy of this email and I am highly offended! She put in there that the content area pd has not happened at all- basically making me sound incompetent. So that's my first problem. Oh, and the way she wrote it makes it sound like she is coming in to save the day or that she is over me. No, we are equals and are supposed to be collaborating.

So then today they give me a schedule they have made of content area pd and follow up. I have major problems with it! First of all, the follow up is no close enough to the pd dates and there is not enough follow up! Not to mention I was never asked for my input. Already the pd for next week ends much later than I can stay. I will NOT follow this plan because it is ineffective and I'm not going to do that.

I was going to go ahead and email the boss, but I have decided that I will first talk to these people and see what comes of it. I am going to tell them I am disappointed they didn't get my input and I will share my concerns about the schedule. I suspect they won't really care and then I will talk to the boss.

This is going to be a long year.

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On a different note- the girls are doing great! We had to go get 2 shots today though. I swear, each month it gets harder and they cry louder. I hate it! Hubby is really good at taking care of them during the day. He even straightens up, makes the bed, and I even think he folded his laundry yesterday! He gets more done than I usually do! I wish he could stay home all the time.

First Day Back to Work

Today was my first day back to work. It was a little easier since Hubby is taking care of the girls during the day, but it was still very hard. I did not want to leave to go to work! On my way out the door, I started crying. I didn't know I was going to cry- I hadn't even thought about it, so it took me by surprise. It was a lot harder than I thought. It was also difficult because I am attending professional development this week so today was mostly just sitting and listening. It's hard to go from being active with the babies to doing nothing but sitting and listening. And thinking about your babies!

I called hubby a couple times and everything went great for him. The girls got a little fussy in the afternoon and they didn't really take their afternoon nap, so they were very fussy for me. I did get them down to sleep early, but they are still stirring and crying a little here and there.

I can't believe how much I missed them! It was the best coming home and seeing Sofia give me this HUGE smile! It melted my heart. I wish I could stay at home or at least just work part time. That would be nice.

It was strange going back because part of me liked the adult interaction, and I really do like what I do, so that part was nice, but another large part of me just wanted to go home and cuddle with my girls. It was a strange feeling for me since I am a first time mom. I imagine most first time moms feel something like this, if they like their job. I think I'll be able to find a good balance, but it is just a strange feeling. It's almost like there are two of me now. The "mom" me, and the "education" me. I guess before the girls it was just the "work" me. Once I find a good balance I think it will be good, but it is very hard right now. I can't believe how much I missed them!

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I also fed the girls sweet potatoes today. Sofia did better with them. She seemed to like them! She did push some out, but then would suck on the spoon. Maya ate it up, though she looked a little confused at the taste.

I got my hair done today! Had to get it all chopped off, it was bugging me. I also finally got a picture of me w/ the girls. Well, there have been a couple others but they were awful pictures. This one is better since my hair is done.

Thanks for the comments :) Yes, I am SO glad I am through that fussy period, That was really the worst.

As for the schedule thing, they do need to stay on their schedule, otherwise they get cranky. I do keep the tv on and everything and I don't make it super quiet, but they do need their naps. Other wise all hell breaks loose! But I will just let DH learn. I will just have to breathe through it ;)
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Ok, so we started cereal the other day! Maya LOVED it! She kept sucking it down and didn't spit any out. Sofia, was not so sure about it. I think it was the texture. I have a feeling her personality is going to be just like mine. I have a texture issue with food too. So at first she wasn't sure what to do, then she had a look of disgust on her face. And I don't blame her. That stuff is nasty. Then, she just clamped her mouth shut. Very funny! Yesterday I tried again, and Sofia let a little more in, but still didn't like it. I also made it a little thicker. Maya still liked it.

Oh, on a side note, Sofia has slept through the night for the last two nights!!!! I might try to see if Maya will also sleep through.

Here are the pictures from their first rice cereal feeding:
Sofia, "What IS this?!?"


Maya, "Yum, yum!"

Just a vent...

I have to vent. About DH. Everything has been going ok, then yesterday wasn't the greatest. First, I will say that my personality is a little bit like Kate's from Jon and Kate Plus 8. I'm not quite as extreme as she is, but sometimes I do get that tone in my voice. This has been an issue with DH and I. So we made the agreement that if I had that tone, he would tell me nicely. So yesterday, twice he tells me. Both times I play what I said over in my head, and no, I did not have that tone. I know sometimes I don't know I am doing it, and that is usually when I'm stressed and need to get something done. But yesterday I was not stressed out, and there was no tone to my voice. So that just made me mad. It was like he was using that as an excuse. However, I think the way I handled wasn't the best either. I think I can handle it better next time.

The other issue is that I'm getting really stressed about next week when I go back to work. I am so afraid that the girls are going to get off schedule and then when I get home they will be super fussy and I will be left to deal with it. Yesterday, I put the girls down for a nap and then went to the store. I wasn't gone for too long and when I got back, both were awake, and Sofia was fussy. I tried to give DH tips for what to do when that happened, but he didn't want to hear. I made sure I said it nicely too, but he just got mad at me. That frustrates me soooo much because I have been with them 24 hours a day fr the last 5 months. I know what to do in certain situations and it took awhile to figure things out. I am only trying to help. I could see him getting mad if I was telling him in a way that put him down, but I made sure not to. However, I think he still took it in that way. But then when I leave him totally alone and don't say anything, he gets frustrated and wants me to take over. So I'm just so worried that there will be a meltdown and he will get frustrated and do nothing. Then I will be left with 2 fussy babies.

Then, I asked DH if he could finish loading the dishwasher so I could go to bed. He said sure. There wasn't even that many dishes. Well, I woke up this morning and it wasn't done. This is at least the second time that has happened. I am so frustrated because I've been doing everything. And when I go back to work, that CANNOT happen. We BOTH will be working full time and taking care of the girls. We BOTH will need to do equal amounts of housework. I'm afraid that isn't going to happen. I am looking into getting a housekeeper, but we will need to do daily cleaning as well. DH is so addicted to the internet right now. And I admit, I was too. But I quickly realized that things work better if I just let it go and take care of the girls' needs and not worry about what is going on in internet land. I get on the internet when I have a few spare minutes. DH isn't at that point yet, and it scares me.

I also feel like *I* am the one who has to change everything, and DH thinks he doesn't have to change at all. Lie I'm the only one doing something wrong. And that's not the case. We BOTH have to work at this. And I have been. I haven't seen him working at it though. I'm just really fed up and tired of it. I do know that a lot of MoMs have relationship trouble the first year, but I wish it would get better sooner.

I would love to go to counseling, but we have nobody to watch the girls. I guess we could find someone. Of course, that makes me nervous- leaving them with a stranger- but it would be worth it.
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I fed the girls rice cereal yesterday. I will update later with that and I even have pics!

It's been a busy week! Hubby had jury duty for 3 days. That was nice because he was home every evening! We went to the outlet mall so I could go to Carter's and Osh Kosh. Did you know Osh Kosh has a twin discount? I was so happy! I bought a ton of clothes for fall/winter. I bought mostly 9 month size, so I hope they fit in a few months. I guess if they are a little big it's no big deal. Hubby came with me and we went one day after jury duty, so it interfered with the girls' bedtime. I knew they weren't going to be happy, but I didn't know when else I would get to go. I hate shopping with Hubby. I just want him to be like my girlfriends when we are shopping, and he can't be. So next time he will stay home and I will find a friend to go with!

Here are the outfits:
This is the only matching thing I got and I only got it matching because they had no other color. And when I shrank it, it turned out weird. It is navy gingham




This also turned out weird when I shrank it. It is horizontal stripes

I've been getting along better with moms of twins lately. I think it is because they totally understand about the scheduling thing. It really is different from having a singleton. I think we MoMs (Mom of Multiples) are more conscious of a schedule because if they get off, or miss a nap, you have two grumpy babies and that is NOT fun!

My friend is getting married. She has 2 kids, but they are 10 and 7. So it has been awhile since she had a baby. She wanted to go dress shopping with me, and I appreciated that she asked what day and what time would be best for me. I told her either Tuesday or Wednesday at 11 am. Then, I didn't hear from her. It was making me nervous since I need to plan things out if I go anywhere. So I emailed her Monday and she let me know we were going Tuesday. I was a little annoyed she hadn't told me sooner, but it was fine, I knew to expect either Tues. or Wed. She had mentioned going to a store that was close to me, and I wanted to go to that store. So I figured that was the plan. Then she said she was first going to a store that was closer to her and then they'd go to the one close to me. I was a little annoyed because I was planning on going to only one store so it wouldn't interfere too much with the girls' naps. But, it was my fault really since I did not communicate that to her.

I asked her if they could go to the one close to me first, but no, they couldn't. Other people were also coming and they had already planned it this way. That made me annoyed since it is hard for me to get out of the house, but whatever. I told her that I would go to the store close to me, and she could call me when they were going there. So, I fed the girls and they took a great nap! They had been sleeping for about an hour and a half when she called. I was sad I had to wake the girls up, but I figured they would be ok since they did sleep for more than an hour.

At the store, they were fine. It made me laugh a little because another girl had her baby, who was not cooperative at all (I think she was probably overtired). I fed the girls, and hoped they would sleep. Maya took a little cat nap. I decided that since they were doing so well, we would go to the next store.

While we were at the next store, they started to get cranky. Sofia did fall asleep, which was great! Maya was way overtired, but she would just not fall asleep. I stayed longer than normal because I knew that soon I would havve to pick up hubby from jury duty. It is just way too much to work to go home and carry them inside only to have to turn around and carry them back out. By the time Maya was getting super fussy, hubby called for me to pick him up.

We get home at almost 6 pm and I feed the girls. I know they are so tired and I'm just hoping they will sleep. Fortunately, I had hubby there so he took Sofia and I took Maya. Again, Maya would NOT go to sleep. She was too tired. She was fussing and crying and squirming all over. I tried everything. Finally, after about 40 minutes of trying to get her to sleep. I put her in the swing. She fussed for a bit but then, thankfully, went to sleep! Hubby got Sofia to sleep- until I got Maya to sleep. Then Sofia was up and I had to get her to sleep, which wasn't too hard. But she did not sleep well all night.

I think that will be the last time I stay out anywhere for longer than 2 hours! I know my friend won't understand, but I don't think I'll have to go dress shopping again with her- at least not with the girls. I just feel a lot more connected to other MoMs, which I guess is normal and to be expected. They understand what I'm going through and when we schedule play dates, it is always for 2 hours only and always scheduled around naps. I am happy that I have found a lot of MoMs that I get along with. It's funny because now I have more friends than before, and I am much more social.

That is why yesterday was so exhausting. And I definitely won't be doing that again anytime soon!

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I start work in a week and a half. I'm not looking forward to it. I need to go shopping for clothes and I don't want to. I bought a pair of shorts and I had to buy a huge size because my hips have spread. A lot. I'm hoping they will go back, at least a bit- any MoMs out there know if your hips ever go back even a little??? I guess that is one benefit if you have a c-section, although I would think they still might spread a bit, especially if you carry low. That paired with PCOS and not exercising as much as I should, means no weight loss. And that is difficult to deal with.

I've been pretty busy the last few days!

Sunday was good- we all (me, Hubby, Maya, Sofia, and our dog) took a long walk. It was nice to just talk to hubby. We definitely needed that. We also decided we would do that every Sunday. Some housework will have to be left, but that's ok. We really need to do this for us, plus it is great exercise!

So on twin message boards I've read some of the bad comments people make, but I've been really lucky to not have gotten any. Until now. On our walk, a lady saw us, asked if they were twins and then said, "I'm sorry." WHAT?!? Sorry??? Seriously, don't feel sorry for us!! Be happy for us! Of course, I was shocked and couldn't come up with a come back, but luckily Hubby is better about that and he said, "Don't be! It's great!" If I ever get that comment again I will just tell them not to be sorry and that it is the best thing that has ever happened to me!Now, I've read about the "I'm Sorry" comment before, but when it happens to YOU it is still shocking.

I had more to write but I'm too exhausted to write right now. I will update later!

Thanks for saying hi Nat! :D

Today was fun. I went and met another twin mom, who has 5 month old twin girls! We walked around a mall, went into a few stores which was really funny- 2 double strollers trying to go in and out of doors, maneuver through aisles, it was an adventure! The funniest part though was when we went to have lunch. We decided to go to this one place, we got inside and there was a long line. Then we noticed that everyone in the restaurant was staring at us. Now, I'm used to some stares, but it wasn't the normal stare for a few seconds and go about your business. It was staring for a long time and everyone turned to look. Very funny! We ended up going somewhere else only because there was no good seating for us. Not enough room for the double strollers and us! I guess it is pretty rare to see two sets of twins out and about, but I found it pretty funny!

This is Maya's new favorite sleeping position. Every night at some point during the night, she grabs on to Sofia. It is way too cute!

I haven't been reading other people's blogs lately since I've been busy and tired. But I did just go and read my friend's blog- Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies. I've been wondering how she is, and I really miss her! I know how difficult it would be for her to even read my blog. We were due at the same time, and now I have twins and she doesn't have Devin with her. It's so unfair. So I went to read her blog and read the rest of her birth story that she finished, and I just sat there bawling. I've been thinking about how difficult things are at times, and especially about how me and hubby have been fighting a lot. But after reading that, it just puts everything into perspective. Not that I ever took my girls for granted for one second, but it just reminded me of what I DO have and how grateful I am. And how totally unfair life is. Nobody should ever have to go through that- I can't even begin to imagine what it is like- but especially Nat. She is such a great person and would be- IS- the best mom ever. I hate that this happened to her, I hate that she's not a part of the message board group anymore- I miss you Nat! But I totally understand.

Anon- I don't mind answering your questions. I kept my blog public so that others could learn about my situation, and to also be a support to anyone who has to go through the same thing. Is the topic difficult for me? Yes, it is. But I have been avoiding writing about it lately- even though it has been on my mind. I think answering your questions will also hopefully help me as well.

I just want to know if you are ever troubled by thoughts about what would have happened if you had chosen not to go through with the reduction?

Yes. I think about this almost daily. Even though I know the decision we made was the right one, and Maya may have been born with a disability or not survived at all, I still think about it. I have been thinking about it more lately. I try not to play the "What if" game, but I do sometimes.

I had a dream the other night- it was more of a nightmare- and I think I had this dream because I have been thinking about this lately. In the dream, there are big rocks, like asteroids almost, falling from the sky. Nobody can leave the city and it's dangerous to be outside. Then, I realize that I don't have my baby. It was only 1 baby and this baby was a boy. It was more disturbing than I am explaining, but you all know that about dreams. You start to explain them and can't. Anyway, I woke up very upset and had to make sure the girls were ok. It was not a good dream!

Did you tell your family/friends about the reduction?

Yes. We told our family and some of our friends. Most of our family was supportive, thankfully. Some were not too supportive but luckily they kept most of their thoughts to themselves. Even though we did tell some of our friends, and they were supportive, I still felt alone because my "best" friend didn't really help me too much. She could understand on a certain level, but later on, and still now, she continually talks about her daughters friends, who are triplets. She always seems to talk about them and I don't know why. I( don't think she thinks that it upsets me- I don't know.

Also, do you ever think of your girls as triplets?

I'm not sure? I mean, sometimes I do think, "what if?" so I guess in a way, but not really. If that makes sense?

Are you going to tell your girls when they are older that your pregnancy started out as a triplet pregnancy?

I might. I did save all the ultrasounds- of course they might fade. If they fade, I'm not going to bring it up. If they see the early ultrasounds and wonder I will tell them they started out as three and one didn't make it. I don't feel the need to tell them all the details about it though.

I hope I was able to answer your questions.And I really hope that you don't have to go through what I did.

One Year Ago

One year ago yesterday, I got the phone call that I had a positive beta. It was the best day of my life! After almost 2 years of trying to conceive, we were finally pregnant. Of course, because I had a chemical a couple of months prior, I was still nervous. Even though my beta was 311. I remember going in for my second beta and the nurse asked me if I was nervous about multiples, and I said, "No, I'm nervous about it not sticking!" We got the second beta and it had way more than doubled so we allowed ourselves to get more excited. It was amazing after all the tests, the horrible HSG, awful clomid, and having to inject myself- which I thought I'd NEVER be able to do, I was pregnant. It was definitely worth the wait and I am so thankful that we were able to get pregnant. And now I have 2 wonderful daughters- I couldn't have asked for anything better. Getting pregnant, giving birth, and raising children is truly a miracle, and so wonderful.

It's been a rough few days! I was wondering if they were hitting a growth spurt, I counted the weeks and they will be 19 weeks on Monday, which is a big growth spurt. They also have learned how to roll from back to tummy, so I know that is also disrupting things.

We had a few good days of naps- I was even getting them to sleep in their cribs for naps. Then, it all went to h! I would love for any twin moms out there who do attachment parenting, or lean toward attachment parenting to respond! I was talking to a lot of twin moms and all of them do some form of CIO (cry it out). I simply cannot do that. Mayvbe after they are a year old, but I just think they are too young. I can't even do it for 5 minutes. It just doesn't feel right to me. I've been told to get them to nap in their cribs to put them down, pat their tummies to calm them then leave. Let them cry for a few min. then go in and pat their tummies again. I have done that, but when they start crying a lot, I have to pick them up and soothe them. And now, with how they've been sleeping- or not sleeping- I just want them to get some sleep. To me, that is more important than getting them in their cribs.

Here is how today went. My mornings are actually really great. Today they slept till 7 am. So before that I showered and ate breakfast. I fed them and then we went for a walk. When we got back, they slept for a bit. One in the bouncy, one in the swing. They woke, I fed them. They were still pretty tired, but stayed awake-actually they may have slept a bit. At 1:30 hubby left and the girls started crying. I fed them early at 2 pm and then we did some tummy time. For nap time, they were being fussy so I brought them into the bedroom, put Sofia in the co-sleeper, where she fell asleep and laid down with Maya and we slept for 30 min. Then Sofia woke, crying. So I put Maya in the co-sleeper and held Sofia. We slept again for about 30 min. Then I tried putting Sofia in the co-sleeper and it worked! They slept for about 30 more min and then woke up, fussy. At almost 5 pm I fed them, then bathed them. I then rocked Sofia to sleep and put her in the co-sleeper. Maya was crying. She has been more difficult to get to sleep lately! I held her and she fell asleep, but if I try to put her down, she wakes. So I then kept her by me while I ate dinner, then I laid down with her in the bedroom and we both fell asleep. I woke at 9:30 and was able to put her down in the co-sleeper. And now, of course I can't sleep!

Thankfully, I talked to hubby this morning and he saw how exhausted I am and asked if I wanted him to stay home tomorrow instead of working and of course I said yes! So maybe I will get a bit of a breather this weekend.

The girls had their 4 month check up today!
Sofia:
13 lbs 10 oz.
24" long
head circumference: 16 1/4"
50th percentile

Maya:
11 lbs 12oz.
23" long
head circumference: 15 3/4"
10-25th percentile

The pediatrician said they were gaining weight great. I always breathe a sigh of relief when I hear that. I just always get so worried that they aren't gaining enough. But they are!

He also talked to us about starting solids. He said there was debate about whether to start at 4, 5, or 6 months. He didn't have an opinion on it, just said to watch for signs of readiness. So, I may start cereal at 5 1/2 months if I think they are ready. We'll see. I asked him about starting with oatmeal instead of rice and he recommended starting with rice because it is easier to digest and less allergenic. Apparently, allergies have to do with the proteins in foods and rice has less protein. So, I am going to start with rice cereal, even though I didn't plan on it. I'm quickly learning that there are a LOT of things I didn't think I would do ahead of time. But, as you get more information, you change your opinions sometimes!

They had their shots, 2 injections plus rotavirus, and Hubby was there with me this time. It was so much easier with another person! I will be bringing Hubby to all the shots visits if possible!

I went ahead and ordered their highchairs because I got a great deal on them! I ordered them from amazon, and I have prime so it was free shipping. Then, I had a $25 gift certificate and they had a deal running where if I used their "Bill me later" program I got $10 off. So I ended up getting one of the highchairs almost for free! I got the Fisher Price Space Saver highchairs for them. I like that they convert to a booster for later, and they won't take up a lot of room. I just put them on my regular dining room chair. I know people have said you can't push the chair in, but this will still save space.

I can't believe I'm getting ready to feed them solids pretty soon! They are growing up so fast. It's amazing. I go back to work in a month, and I really don't want to.

I think I posted about how last week Sofia learned to roll from back to tummy. And then she gets stuck. Well, this week Maya learned how! She has been trying for a couple days and last night I put her down- swaddled- in the co-sleeper for bed. A few minutes later I hear her crying, I go in and she is face down! So, no more swaddling anyone's arms!

Today I decided to start getting them both to nap in their own cribs. I wanted them to share a crib, but Maya is just way too squirmy. So I tried it at their first afternoon nap. Had a little trouble at first, but I would just stay and rub their tummies. They first napped for 30 min. then I had to go back in and soothe. Then, they slept for 2 hours! I just put them down for their second nap, and it was even easier this time! I hope this continues.

Well, we had a good day or two of naps and now... not so good! Yesterday I thought it was because we went out and they didn't get a good afternoon nap. But today they haven't been napping at all really. Sofia got about 30 minutes at noon today. She would start to fall asleep in my arms, but every time I put her down, she would start screaming. So now I'm thinking growth spurt and learning a new skill. Because today she actually rolled all the way over from back to tummy! I was very proud of her, but every time she did this she would cry. She has rolled from tummy to back, but I guess she forgot she could do that!

We went to the store today and I had a very scary experience. I was getting Sofia out of the passenger side, my door on the driver's side was over and the diaper bag was on the seat. This homeless lady comes up to me and asks for money. I say sorry, don't have any. Then she starts saying, "You've done something very bad" and repeats that a couple times and then tells me I left my wallet out and I shouldn't do that in this neighborhood. She goes on to say she's not homeless, and expecting a check, but I need to be careful. This totally freaks me out, and she is now next to me. I give her a hard look and say "Ok" and wave my hand. Of course, she doesn't leave. I was afraid to tell her directly to leave because I didn't know how she would react. I start to get Sofia out because I just want to get out of there. Then she is commenting on Sofia. I made sure she didn't get too close. Then she sees I have twins and is being nice and trying to talk to me. I'm just trying to get out of there! And finally I do. I stayed in the store a little longer because I did not want to see her again. Scary! I would have told her to leave, but after the way she told me "I did a bad thing" I just couldn't chance it!

Thankfully, after that I only got GOOD comments in the store. One man- who looked all mean because he had tattoos and a long shaggy beard (not that tatts are scary- mu hubby is covered in them) talked to me, asked if they were my first, and then said "Wow! Your first and you got two!" And he said it like he really thought I was lucky (which I am!). So that was very nice! Then, I was carrying the girls to my condo and my neighbor came out, saw mw, and told me I was amazing and should be on the cover of Time magazine! So that was also very nice to hear. And you know, I really haven't gotten too many annoying comments. So I hope it stays that way.

On a more depressing note, I bought some shorts today. I knew I was going to be a larger size. So I grab a size, try them on and they were a bit snug around the hips/thigh area. Around the waist? Loose. So I go up a size and they fit around the hips/thigh. Now, I was depressed because at one point I weighed almost as much as I dp now but I still wore 3 sizes smaller!! So my pelvis must have really spread out, because it is a pretty big size, even though Target does run small in this brand. Depressing, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. Soon I can work out again, and I am losing weight. Just slowly.

The girls are 4 months tomorrow! 4 months! I can't believe it! They are "talking" a lot, smiling, and laughing. It is really cute!

Ha! I knew it! As soon as I wrote the schedule down and thought how nice, they are getting into a good schedule- it changes! I think they are hitting a growth spurt. Two days ago they wouldn't get to sleep at night easily. Yesterday, they took a great morning nap abut wouldn't sleep in the afternoon! It was a long day. So, the schedule might change a bit. Luckily, Hubby came at home at 6:30 last night so I was able to go to bed at 8:30! I got up at 6, and I am still tired. Go figure! I think I am just going to have to accept that I am going to be tired all the time for the next 18 years- at least!

There is this web site where every day they have a good deal on some baby item. I get an email every day. I bought one thing from there- 2 pairs of Skid Pants, which are like Baby Legs. Great deal, I think they were $6 instead of $12 each. But they have so many cute things! It is so hard not to buy stuff!! And almost every time I go to Target, I come home with a new onesie for the girls. It's going to get really bad when they are a little older, I can already tell! But they have such cute baby clothes now!

We currently have a pretty good schedule going on- of course it's pretty flexible. I'm sure in a few weeks it will totally change because once we get settled in something, it always changes!
6:00 am wake up, feeding
7:00 nap-they usually fall asleep between 7:30 and 8. Then I get to eat breakfast, go on computer and take a shower, it's very nice!
10:00 Feeding
11:00 playtime
11:30 or 12 nap
2:00 feeding
3:00 playtime
4:00 nap
6:00 feeding
7:00 bedtime
2:00 feeding- hubby does this, usually have to wake them and we are now working on slowly reducing the amount they get, so eventually, hopefully they will sleep all night!

Now, the wake up times vary! If they wake early, we usually play. Sometimes one will nap, the other will not. Or one will nap longer. Also, for bedtime they don't always fall asleep right away. Sometimes it takes until 8 pm to get them to sleep. But that is our basic schedule. If we go out during the day I usually feed them at 1:30 and then we go out. Or like last night they were starving at 5 pm, so they ate then. So it's definitely flexible! I go by their cues first, but this is the basic pattern it has taken. I do try to ge them to sleep after they have been awake for 1-2 hours. They seem to do best when they nap after being up for 1 1/2 hours.

I know this will all change soon. I'm thinking they might go through some weird sleep patterns at 4 months- which is 1 week! And then again when they drop one nap.

I'm really not looking forward to going back to work. I'm just scared it will be difficult for hubby to get ready for work and take care of the girls. But we will have to make it work. Maybe next year I could work part time.

Over the weekend we took the girls to the pediatrician. They are really congested and coughing. Sofia is really bad! No fever or anything, but I wanted to make sure they weren't getting an ear infection or pneumonia or anything. I figure better safe than sorry. So we went, and they are fine- just a cold. They said just to keep an eye on them and keep suctioning their noses! They did get weighed- Maya was 10 lbs 14 oz and Sofia is 12 lbs 11 oz. I may be a little off on the ounces.

Oh, and now I caught this cold from them! I started feeling sick last night, and it's not too bad yet, but I can tell I'm getting sick. I stocked up on vitamin c drops so hopefully those help.

You may remember that I have a stress fracture in my foot and have to wear this lovely shoe and can't work out. I was so afraid of gaining weight, but I've lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks! I am very happy about that! I think it is a combination of things, but probably one of the biggest factors is that I went back on the pill. I think my PCOS symptoms were coming back ,and it is impossible for me to lose weight when I do nothing about the PCOS. So the birth control pills suppressed the symptoms, and so now I am losing weight, Also, I've been eating at home almost exclusively. We eat out maybe ince a week. It was a lot more before we had the girls! And I have been trying to watch my portion sizes. I think the weight loss came at the right time because it is helping to keep me motivated.

Another great thing is that my belly is going down! I have diastasis and I have been doing the exercises to help it. I checked it last night and it feels like I only have about a 2 finger separation! I used to be able to fit my whole hand in there! It still pushes out a little at the top, but it is so much better. I do have plenty of twin skin, but that will start getting a little better as I lose weight.

Things are going really well right now, and I couldn't be happier! I feel so lucky to have both of my girls. They are awesome. I love their smiles and laughs, and even their pouty mouths when they get upset. And even though I would never wish infertility on anyone, and it is not something that anyone should have to go through, I know it has made me much more appreciative of my two girls. I definitely do not take them for granted!

CNN story

I was just watching CNN- I watch it pretty much all day long since there is nothing else on- and they had a brief story on how more and more babies are being born early and with low birth weights. They showed a woman with twins who were born at around 28 weeks and one did not survive. I didn't think it was that fair to show twins, when twins are a special case since so many things can go wrong. But they didn't say this was specific to twins. They did say that Maryland has one of the highest rates and is one of the richest states. They then went on to say that more prenatal care is needed. Well, they somewhat contradicted themselves. In states that have a "wealthier" population, prenatal care is better. So, while I'm sure that is part of the problem, I don't think it explains all the high numbers.

What I do think is also contributing to this is that women are not putting on enough weight. We are shown pictures of celebrities who look like they have not gained ANY weight at all. Any celebrity who did gain a decent amount of weight we either don't see ot they talk about how much weight they've put on. I've seen tons of pictures of Angelina Jolie who was pregnant with twins, and she was so skinny. They know for twins that the amount of weight the mom puts on does correlate to birth weight. I'm sure that can translate to singletons as well. I've also seen reports on message boards about doctors who pretty much make the girl feel awful for gaining weight.There were a couple cases where the girls were perhaps a little overweight, but not much, and the doctors only wanted them gaining a certain amount, like 10 or 15 pounds. Then when they went over they were chastised. That is not ok. I am a believer that if you eat healthy, and enough calories, your body will put on the weight it NEEDS. If you need to gain 50, 60 lbs, so be it. As long as the baby is healthy. Now, if you are eating a bunch of junk and putting on a lot of weight, that's not ok. The baby does need nutrients. But I just think we are becoming too conditioned as a society to be super thin, and it is harming everyone.

I have a few sleep books, and I have been reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. A lot of twin moms recommended it, so I got it. At first, I really liked it! The first few chapters were really good. I figured out that Sofia was fussy around 5 pm because she was overtired. So once I got that figured out, things became easier. And the part about 0-4 months was great. Last night I started reading about months 5-12, and I'm not sure I agree with it. One part talks about putting the child down for a nap, and if they cry let them cry- but never for more than 1 hour. One HOUR?!? I really don't think I could do that. Not at 5 months anyway! Probably not until 2 years, and even then I don't think I would let my child cry that long. I will say that the author does give other methods, but this is one of them. Then, at the end of the chapter he tries to rationalize this and gives all sorts of expert opinions. I still did learn a lot from this book, I just happen to disagree with the author that you need to let a baby cry for that long. I'm going to revisit the book, The No Cry Sleep Solution and see what they have to say.

It's not like I need that much help with sleep right now. I'm lucky my girls are pretty good sleepers. They do sleep at night. Yes, sometimes Maya grunts and flails around, and this wakes me up. But that is because she is in the co-sleeper next to me. I don't think I would wake if she were in her crib. Hubby still has to wake them at 2 or so in the morning to feed them. We still wake them because they aren't eating enough total ounces during the day.

Politics/Current Events

Time out now for a quick politics and current event rant.

I was watching Good Morning America today and they had the guy from Texas on who shot and killed two burglars who were breaking into his neighbors house. They played the 911 tape, and it really sounded like he wanted to go out there and be a vigilante. They talked to the guy, and of course he is now trying to come off like a nice guy. He said he was scared, that's why he sounded like that. Yeah, I don't think so. Also, the autopsy report said that the 2 men were shot in the back. The man said, "That's not totally true." Umm, what?!? He said one of the men rushed him and then turned at last minute and was shot in the side. I don't think so.And in the 911 tape he said "don't move a muscle or I'll shoot" Doesn't sound like something someone would say if he was being rushed. And the guys weren't even armed.
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Also on Good Morning America, they had John McCain. I am no fan of McCain. He was in Colombia because yes, visiting there and Mexico is oh so important right now when we have economic troubles here. Before they could even ask him why he was there, he started his little spiel on why he was there. He said he was there because there are still drugs coming into America. So please tell me, what is meeting with the leaders of these countries going to do? He went on to say that the price of cocaine has gone up- which is good because less people will buy it. Um, ok, but only wealthy people who can afford it do coke. Many drug addicts do crack and METH- which is made right here in the good 'ole States!

The reporter than asked him about the Free Trade agreement and how people are worried about losing more jobs. So instead of answering the question he went on to talk about how we need to solve the energy problem, and off shore drilling, etc. Nice.

I just really can't stand him, and honestly, he is starting to scare me almost as much as Bush!

Ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming :)

Maya has started to belly laugh! It is so cute. She's also a little stinker though. When I pick her up to soothe her to go to sleep, I think she knows and she will start smiling and laughing at me so I forget about her sleeping and want to play with her!

Sofia is also doing well- smiling and cooing! I can't believe they are almost 4 months. It sure does go by fast!

I joined the twins group in my area, and that has been great. We also have a playgroup for twins born in 2008. There are a couple that are 3 months and the rest are 5+ months. But it is nice to get out and talk to other twin moms.

I spoke to my boss and she is fine with me having to leave by 3:30 every day. But, my job is changing a little. Instead of being stationed at 1 middle school, I will work with 2 other people and we will do professional development at all the middle schools we work with. So my hours really depend on where we are doing the professional development. And I would imagine when we are just planning the hours are pretty flexible. Most likely I will usually work 8-3 but I could do 7:30-2:30. So I'm happy about that.

----

Well, I just saw a comment on my last post. So I'm guessing that a family member HAS found me. Now I'm just wondering why they were searching anyway? And what search terms they used? Well, I may just continue to write whatever. Now everyone knows that this is my "private" blog- not really private, but wanted to be hidden from friends/family, so if they read something they don't like, too bad. They don't have to read it, right? Not that I've been posting anything too personal lately anyway. I'm mostly focused on the girls!

Well, crap. Now I'm paranoid that friends/family have found this. Oh well I guess. That will probably make me think twice before I write about things I am really feeling. Damn.

My foot!

Since last week, my foot has been hurting. It started when Hubby went to rub my foot and it hurt, on the top of my foot by the second toe. I thought it was weird because I couldn't remember doing anything to it. Well, it got worse and I started limping. So I called the doctor, went in for an x-ray and went today to the podiatrist. I have a stress fracture! It's from added weight and wearing flip flops. Great. So now I have to wear this "shoe" that looks like a weird sandal. I get to wear it for a month. Oh, and I can't do the elliptical now. He said I could probably do stationary bike, but I'm nervous to even do that. I don't want to make it worse! I also wanted to go to the mall and do some shopping, but not anymore!

I realized that some people may be interested in seeing how I feed the girls. I know other twin mommies to be always ask how to feed them. First, is a picture of all the bottles for the day. Actually, I had already done 1 feeding, so it's almost all the bottles for a day:


And here is how I feed the girls. I sit in the middle and hold their bottles:


Here is a rare photo of me with Sofia. I just loved her sleeping face in this one. Oh and excuse me, I look horrible!


This one is just too cute of Maya:


And, the photo I gave to hubby for Father's Day:

The Girls' Personalities

Maya
Maya is my little wiggle worm sweetie. She is very easy going and hardly cries. When she does cry, it is a very sad cry. She also pouts while crying, and it is very cute. Many times, even though she is crying, she will also smile! She will be crying and I will look at her and all of a sudden she will start smiling. She loves to smile, and it just melts my heart! Maya also likes to kick her legs and move her arms around. I swear once she starts crawling she will always be on the go!

Sofia
Sofia is mommy's cuddle bug. She is very needy and much more difficult. She cries a lot more than Maya and loves to be near me! She is not squirmy at all, and in a way, more chill than Maya- except when she gets mad! When I wake her up in the morning, she doesn't really wake up and just lays on my chest and cuddles. She is also a good sleeper. When I can finally get her to sleep, she sleeps very soundly.

They are both so different, and I love it!
~~~~~

I took the girls to get 2 more shots today. We are spacing them out, following the vaccine schedule that is in the book, The Vaccine Book. At first, I thought Sofia was not going to cry because she didn't start crying until after the shots! She didn't cry too much, until I put her back in her car seat to get Maya. Then she started screaming! Poor baby! The nurse was great and held Sofia while I held Maya- who started crying right away.
They were weighed too:
Maya: 9 lbs 11 oz.
Sofia: 11 lbs. 14 oz.

They are getting big! I just bought some size 2 diapers for Sofia today. They are growing up so quickly.

Today I noticed that people are either very nice and thoughtful, or just plain rude!

I decided to take the girls out to Border's and to Old Navy. I was a little nervous since I had never been shopping with them! It went pretty well, but I was noticing people's behaviors. I use the double Snap N Go, so my stroller is very long- like a limo. It is difficult to open a door and push it through. So when I was going in Border's, a very nice lady held the door for me. I really appreciated that! Coming out of the store, another lady went to hold the door for me and two older men cut right in front of me. One went through and then the other stopped because other people were coming in. Finally, they went through and he looked at me, I was getting ready to go, and he went right in front. Of course by this time the very nice lady who was originally holding the door for me just went in. I just couldn't believe how unthoughtful some people are. However, there were more thoughtful people than unthoughtful, so that's a good thing!

It's a good thing I went out because both M and S were very fussy. As soon as we got in the car, they fell asleep though. And they pretty much stayed asleep the whole time. S fussed a little, but a paci fixed that! It is a pain to get in and out of the car, but it was so nice to get out and I think the girls are at a point where they enjoy getting out as well. I think they are getting bored at home looking at the same things. For awhile they were awake at the bookstore and they were just looking around at all the books. They definitely liked the change of scenery. So I think we are going to go out more often!

Just when you think you have everything down and the girls are being really good and sleeping well, and you think to yourself, "Oh this is getting easier!" It all goes downhill!

The past few days have been really good. Sofia had been sleeping well, Maya not sleeping as much but she wasn't fussy either. Last night I didn't get to bed until 11. Hubby took the day off so I could go to my twins group so he stayed up with them and did the 2 am feeding. At 3 am he brought them in so he could go to sleep, but Sofia was not asleep! I had to soothe her, which didn't take long thankfully. About an hour later, Maya started flailing and grunting. That kept me up. I finally put her next to me in bed and got maybe another hour or so of sleep. So today I've been super tired and the girls have not been sleeping! They took maybe 1 hour in the morning, 30 min. while I vacuumed, and Sofia got another 30 min. in the afternoon. So no nap for me! Maya is now asleep, but I've been trying to get Sof to sleep for 1 1/2 hours now. My advice to new twin moms: don't get too comfortable when they start napping well because it can all change in an instant! Maybe tomorrow they will nap better.

On a positive note, Sofia was trying to laugh today and it was really cute! The first time she tried, it sounded funny. Then I laughed back at her and she laughed again and it sounded more like a real laugh. We did this for a little while.

Tomorrow is a new day and I WILL get out this week.

Working Out

I've been to the gym twice this week! I like going more now than before the twins, I think because now I see it as "me" time and a chance to get away. I've also been doing the exercises for the diastasis. I can tell it's getting smaller. I'm probably the only one who can tell, but it is getting smaller.



Sleep

I ordered 2 books and they arrived today. They are:
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
The No-Cry Sleep Solution

I'll let you know how they are! I figure pretty soon we can get on more of a schedule. The other night I did let Sofia sleep through the night (STTN). I wanted to see if she could do it. She did! However, she was pretty restless. So last night I had hubby get her up to feed. I think in a couple weeks we will try again. Plus that day she ate great. But for the past 2 days she hasn't been eating that great, and I want to make sure she gets enough.

Thanks for letting me know about the links being posted! I would prefer for the link NOT to be posted in a public post on that board. I don't mind if you want to send someone here privately. Only because my friends and family do not know about my blog and I would prefer for it to stay that way. I don't care about others reading it at all, or if you want to send people here, but if you could do it privately that would be nice. Although I know I can't stop people from posting links. But thanks for letting me know!


We got out of the house last night! We went to a friend's house for a BBQ and it was fun. The girls were good. And you know, they really are good babies. They just have a little fussy period in the evening, but they really are good and pretty easy. I'm super tired today and I'm not sure why! I mean, besides the fact I'm taking care of twins, ha! I got sleep last night, so I was surprised I was so tired when I woke up.

Here are the photos I promised!

Both of the girls, holding hands:


Sofia:




Maya:

Mrs.Piggy-
I had an u/s done at 34 weeks, and it said both girls weighed the same- 4 lbs. 8 oz. I didn't have another growth scan before delivery. Sofia was 6 lbs. 1 oz. at birth and Maya was 4 lbs. 8 oz. What *I* think happened, but of course I have no proof, is that for some reason Maya stopped growing at 34 weeks. That may not be the case though because her umbilical cord was a LOT smaller than Sofia's. So either the u/s was off, or she stopped growing.

I've been doing pretty well. Today the girls wouldn't sleep though! I finally got Sofia down around 7:00 pm. Maya was still up until almost 9:00 though! I'm exhausted too because Maya was grunting and moving her feet all around last night. The only way to get her to stop is to have her sleep next to me, with her head on my arm. And whenever we sleep like that, I am so nervous that I don't sleep well. I wouldn't mind the grunting so much, but she wakes up Sofia. I think I will have to move them to their cribs soon and will probably have to split them up if Maya continues to grunt.

I am going to put some new pictures up soon. I finally got some of the girls smiling!

I've been tagged!

4 Things I Did 10 Years Ago (1998)
1. I was still in college working on my Liberal Studies degree so I could become an elementary school teacher. Yes, it took me YEARS to do this since I changed my major and was paying my own way.

2. Moved to a cute little apartment in my favorite part of town. I was really sad when I moved out- even though the place was too small for 2 people!

3. Spent my free time going to clubs/raves

4. Learned how to DJ (with records)


4 Things I Did 5 Years Ago (2003)
1. Started teaching middle school- which I thought I'd never do!

2. Living w/ my now hubby, and was 1 year before we got engaged

3.

4.


4 Things I Did Yesterday

1. Bathed Maya and Sofia
2. Cleaned the bathrooms
3. Watched Grey's Anatomy
4. Played WoW for a bit while the girls actually napped!


4 Shows I Love to Watch

1. Lost
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Top Chef
4. House

4 Things That Make Me Really Happy
1. Maya and Sofia- especially when they smile at me
2. Hubby (most of the time, haha)
3. Coffee
4. Getting Sleep

4 Friends to Tag


1. Fertilize Me
2. Over My Head

Only tagged 2 because 1 person was already tagged, and the babies are crying!

2 Month Visit

The girls had their 2 month pediatrician visit today. They are growing well! Maya is 7 lbs 14 oz., 20 inches long and her head is 14 1/2 inches. Sofia is 10 lbs 2 oz., 21 inches long, and her head is 15 inches. They got some shots. I'm spreading out their shots so they only got 2 shots plus the oral rotavirus. We'll go back in 1 month to ge the other 2 shots. I was so sad when they got their shots! They cried, of course. Maya screamed a bit louder than Sofia did- poor babies!

It's amazing the amount of attention you get when you go out. Hubby and I went to Target this weekend and everyone was looking at them. Luckily, we did not get any crazy comments. Most people just looked or said, "Look! Twins!" And again when I went to the doctor's office- lots of looks. I know people don't see twins all the time, but I was thinking about it at the doctor's office. You have 1 baby, nobody even looks your way. You have 1 baby and an older child, same thing. But twins- everyone is looking! It's weird. So far I don't mind everyone looking, but it's just different.

The Paxil has really been doing wonders! I'm doing so much better. The first day I took it I felt better, but figured it was the placebo effect. It may have been, but it has definitely started working. I don't get as stressed out when the girls start crying. I can actually handle it now. And I'm feeling like I can enjoy them more now.

I went to a Moms of Twins Club meeting last night. It was pretty fun. I met two other women who have twins around the same age of my girls. They were amazed that my husband and I are doing this all on our own. But honestly, Im glad we don't have that much help. While it would be nice, I am now used to taking care of the girls and I know I can do it on my own. It would be hard to have really great help for a month or so and then none. Of course, if we could afford a nanny, I would probably take advantage of that at least on a part time basis! But we are managing just fine.

I did feel like everyone was staring at my belly though, and I thought that everyone was thinking I was pregnant. Who knows if that's what they were really thinking, but I am just very self conscious about belly. I'd much rather just have flab! I need to go buy some of those flowy empire tops so it can cover it better.


Hubby took the day off yesterday so I could go to the meeting. He was with the girls during their fussy time- first time he's been alone with them during their fussy time. Now, I was only gone for about 3 hours. I called him when I was on my way home and he didn't sound too good! He couldn't believe how hard they were, and even said that he has it easy at night when he does the middle of the night feeding. I am glad he got to see what it is really like! I think now he understands more about why I can't get cleaning or anything else done. He understood before, but now he has a better appreciation I think.

I talked to Dr. O today and I am getting my paxil tomorrow! I am so glad. I will finally be able to fee normal again!

I honestly didn't want to be on anti-depressants again, but it's gotten pretty bad, and I know when I need them, and I need them.


I also took the girls out twice today! I took them for a walk this afternoon. Sofia was crying and I knew they wouldn't go to sleep inside, so we went on a walk and they slept and I got exercise. Then, my friend called and reminded me our old professor's retirement party was today and so I decided to go. It was the first time I really took them ot somewhere besides outdoors. I was nervous, but we survived! I did get the pregnant comment though. Ugh. So I tried to explain the diastasis and got a blank stare. Next I will just say, "No, I'm not" and leave it at that.


I did order that book that was suggested about diastasis. I actually saw it posted on a message board and ordered it right away. I can't wait to read it!

I haven't felt much like writing. I haven't felt much like doing anything actually. The B6 is not working. I think the girls are going through a growth spurt and they are driving me crazy! Yesterday was really bad. For some reason they decided to be fussy all morning. They have never been fussy in the morning before. I usually get a few hours to myself which I spend on the computer, making bottles, and doing some cleaning. Couldn't do anything yesterday. It really got to me and I had melt down. Hubby stayed home from work because it was so bad. I hate feeling like this! I want to enjoy this time, and sometimes I do. I feel awful too because I know how lucky I am to have 2 healthy babies! So of course that just makes me more depressed. Depression just really sucks. So instead of waiting 2 weeks to see if the B6 works, I am calling Dr. O Thurs. to get the antidepressants. I cannot wait any longer.

My body image issues are also coming back - which I figured they would. I'm super self conscious about the way I look. The only time I haven't been is when I was pregnant. I actually liked the way I looked and loved my belly. Now, because of the diastasis (did I mention I have that?) I still look like I'm pregnant. It's really gross- your abdominal muscles separate and your intestines push out. Creeps me out thinking about it! I did find a book that has exercises in it to help and I'm going to go to Mommy and Me yoga, so I'm sure it will be ok. In the meantime though I hate the way I look. I'd much rather just have loose skin. Every time I go out I dread that someone will ask when I'm due.

I'm also trying to eat healthy, but let me tell you - it is difficult! It is hard because I cannot really cook at night. The girls are usually awake during dinnertime so I have just been making frozen meals, which are not healthy at all. But I do try to eat healthy when I can. I guess that counts for something.

I had my postpartum appointment. It went well. I didn't get paxil yet. He wants me to try B6 for a couple weeks first. I don't think it will help so much, but I'll do that and see.

I also found out I have Diastasis! I was wondering why I still looked pregnant - my stomach pooches out and is hard, not flabby, and I was getting paranoid that it was my uterus. I asked Dr. O and he assured me it was not my uterus, but the ab muscles separate and push out. And your intestines and everything also push out. I can make it better with exercise though. So this is a great motivator!

Dr. O also let me know that my placenta remains were not really placenta remains. My placentas came out whole. It was a tiny bit left over from the reduction. I had a hard time hearing that. I've been trying to forget that happened, which is hard. I think about it a lot. So hearing that was rough. Please don't leave any nasty or non-supportive comments about this. I really don't need to see that again. Anyway, I know our decision was the right one, but it doesn't make it any easier.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I decided I was going to go out and walk. Now, I have to drive somewhere to walk because we live on a very busy street and it's not the best for walking. I decided to go to a park. Now, I never go to parks because before I had no reason. So I have no idea what the good parks are or anything. I thought this park that has a lake would be a good choice. It wasn't great. I need a paved path to walk on since I don't have a jogging stroller yet. There was a paved path, but it was very short. I did walk on it though! The hardest part was getting everything together and getting out to my car. I have to cxarry the car seats all the way to the parking lot because there are steps up to the condos, but no ramp. So I can't use the stroller until I'm in the parking lot so I just leave it in the car. It was exhausting carrying them both, but I did it! I am going to be buff in no time from carrying them!

Now I just need to find a better park.

I took Sofia to the doctor today. Last week, I noticed what looked like baby acne on her face and neck. I wanted to make sure it was acne and not some other type of rash, so I called the pediatrician. Now, they have after hours and weekend care, and I thought you just call the main line. Well, the person on the phone was pretty clueless. But she got my message ok, or so I thought. Usually I get a call back the same day. I did not get a call. That was last Friday. I figured sometime over the weekend the on call doctor would call. Nope! So on Monday I called back and discovered that in the computer it said a doctor (not my doctor) called me back and left a message. Well, I never got a message and the number did not show up on my cell phone. Weird. So I put another message in and my doctor called me back, thankfully! Over the phone he thought it was heat rash, but said I could bring her in, so I did!

It was not heat rash (didn't think it was), but basically cradle cap. He had another name for it, which I forget, but said it was basically cradle cap which I think is basically eczema. So I have to get Selsan Blue for her scalp and a hydrocortisone cream for her skin. Hopefully it will clear it up!

The nurse weighed her - 9 lbs 3 oz! That was with her clothes on so I think Sofia is probably just under 9 lbs or right at 9 lbs! She is getting big! Now I wonder how much Maya weighs.

This was also my first time going out alone with a baby. I only took one so it would be easier. I'm still dreading taking them both out. I'm actually scared about it! Once I just do it, I think I'll be fine though.

Tomorrow is my 6 week post partum appointment. I think one of my stitches cxame open. I'm thinking it happened during the D&C because before that, it didn't really hurt down there. After, it hurt. I also looked the other day and it looks like one part that should have been close, is open.

I'm also going to see if I can get back on paxil. I was on it before TTC and it really helped. I've been pretty depressed since giving birth, and while it's gotten better, I'm still not completely better. I didn't really realize that I was that depressed until I went to my therapy appointment earlier this week. She was a bit more in my face - which normally she is not. I normally just talk, but she was worried about me this time. This is a psychologist, so she can't prescribe meds. Anyway, I realized that me not wanting to go out and do anything is really a symptom of depression. I'm also not motivated to do anything and feel overwhelmed. Of course, I'm sure some of this is because I have twins, but I do think meds will really help me get back to normal.

Had a horrible night last night. Having twins plus lack of sleep is really not good for a marriage! We got things worked out, but I'm so sick of fighting. I've also felt resentful toward hubby, which doesn't help and I need to get over it. It's just hard when he gets to go to work, and I'm stuck in the house. I do get out to run errands when he's home, which is nice, but the other day he called and basically wanted me home asap because the girls were freaking out. That frustrated me. There has been a couple more times where I thought he could have dealt with the girls more and let me sleep - but he didn't and so I haven't been getting sleep. So all of this on top of no sleep is really not good.

I think we need to communicate and listen to each other better. I knew having twins would be stressful on the marriage, but I definitely didn't realize how much!


My girls are growing! Maya is in newborn size diapers finally and Sofia has graduated to size 1! I keep wondering if/when Maya will catch up in size. She is so much smaller.

I also tested the Playtex nipples with the Dr. Brown's bottles, and they work! So now I can buy the BPA free bottles and just use the Playtex nipples. I am so relieved!

Some photos:

Yeah, I spoke too soon!! After the 2 am feeding, they were pretty fussy all night long. Especially Maya! She was grunting all night and would only stop when I picked her up and laid her next to me!

The girls are tracking objects now, so we practiced that a little today with one of their toys. Right now they are sleeping and I would love to either sleep or clean but they fell asleep on their newborn loungers on the couch and I know if I pick them up and put them in the pack n play that they will wake up!


Wow, my punctuation is now getting critiqued! Yes, I just used an exclamation point there, oh the horror. Good thing I am an English teacher, like to write, and know grammar and punctuation rules. Yep, I know when to use an exclamation point, and at least I don't put fifty million of them at the end of one sentence.

I'm probably speaking too soon, but the girls haven't been that fussy today!! Well, Maya was a little fussy while I was trying to nap, but usually they are crying constantly past 5 o'clock. What I have been doing differently is sitting on the couch with them on their newborn loungers right next to me. They sleep better and are much calmer when they are right next to me.

It is getting a bit easier too! It's just such a HUGE change when you bring twins home! Now, things are getting more routine and because hubby takes the first night feeding - or actually early morning feeding- I'm actually getting some sleep which helps immensely! Now that we are getting more into a routine, I do get bored at times! I think because I am so used to working. I need to go on walks with the girls, but honestly I know that me carrying 2 car seats with the girls in them all the way down to my car (I live in a condo) will exhaust me. Yesterday, I went to the store and had a few bags of groceries - really not that much stuff- and carrying it to my condo about killed me! I'll be happy when my blood levels are back up! It would be much easier if my condos had a ramp, but they don't. The only way to get down to the driveway is by steps. I'm sure that is breaking some kind of code.

As for bottles, Michelle, the Playtex drop ins are BPA free! I'm not sure the Playtex nipples will fit the Dr. Brown's bottles though. It looked like it might leak, but I've still yet to actually try it out with liquid.

I watched 3 movies yesterday!! I pretty much camp out on the couch all day. I have my laptop, the tv, my 2 Boppy newborn loungers for the girls, and a pack n play to put them in when I need to go to the bathroom or make their bottles. First I watched I Am Legend. I love dystopian stories, but I wasn't sure if i would like this because of the whole Will Smith thing. So, I was expecting it to be bad. However, it was much better than I had though! I did enjoy it, though I didn't really like the end. I am interested to read the book, which I am sure is better! It will be interesting to see if the ending is different. I then watched Juno. I think this is my new favorite movie! The writing was excellent! I avoided this movie in the theatres since I knew it was about a pregnant teen, and I didn't think I could deal with that. But after seeing it, I don't think it would have bothered me! There was the whole adoption angle in the movie too, so that helped. Just a great movie. Last, I watched Once. I liked it! The music is great! I ordered the soundtrack while watching the movie because I liked it so much! The ending was sad though, but that's good. Too many happy endings in movies! This was more real.

The girls are doing great! They were not all that fussy yesterday, which was very nice! It also helped that I got sleep the night before.

On a message board I go to, there were posts about giving their infants cereal. All of the infants are about 1 month to 1 1/2 months old! That just seemed really early to me! Many of the posts said they wanted to do that so their baby would sleep through the night. I found this odd since first of all, there is NO evidence that this actually works. And second, cereal has no nutritional value, so it just seems weird to have infants fill up on this instead of breast milk or formula. I was just amazed at the number of people posting that they are doing this. Everything I have always read says to start solids around 5-6 months. I know sometimes pediatricians will say to put some cereal in the bottle around 4 months, but that is the earliest I have ever heard of it!

I have been using Playtex Ventaire bottles because their nipples are the slowest flow, and Maya really needs that! Of course, it kills me because the bottles have BPA in them and I did NOT want to use bottles with BPA! I bought a pack of Dr. Brown's bottles because on May 1st their BPA free bottles will be available, and I got really excited. So I wanted to try them out and see if they worked. Well, Sofia did ok with hem, but the nipples are way too fast for Maya! Formula was everywhere!! I had a feeling they would be too fast when I tested the formula on my wrist - I held the bottle upside down and the formula came out much faster than the playtex ones! With the playtex ones nothing comes out really. Maybe 1 drip. The Dr. Borwn's ones went drip, drip, drip, pretty fast. I might try and see if the playtex nipples will fit on the Dr. Brown's bottles. That would be nice if they did fit!

Sara: you crack me up! :) I did get a nap today, that was very nice!!

I use Similac formula. I need to call and get coupons from them. I know they do something for twins. I just need to call!

Hubby should be home soon so I can go get my hair. Oh and the best part, he is not going back to work! He is staying home! YAY! I was a little mad at him last night. He did the 2 am feeding, but he fed the girls and put them in the co-sleeper and then left the room. So a little later they got fussy and I had to deal with it - and he wasn't very nice about it when I wondered why they were fussy! But he felt bad this morning. Oh, and I was a bit mad because at the 11 o'clock feeding Maya wouldn't eat! Finally at midnight, she started eating! So I didn't even go to bed until after 1 am, so I was super tired.

I do hope I can start feeding them on demand soon! I don't think Maya is always hungry at the feedings, but then I get paranoid about her not eating. I wish I had a scale so I could weigh them. We don't go back to the pediatrician for about 4 weeks.

Today is my birthday. But, of course, I've had a fairly rough day. I know it's because I got very little sleep last night! Hubby had to work extra overtime so he could not do the night feeding like he has been. So I got about 2 hours of sleep. The days are always rougher when I get no sleep! Unfortunately hubby has to work all the overtime he can. He took 2 weeks off when the girls were born - and we weren't planning on doing that! He also took last Friday and Monday off since I was in the hospital. And he gets paid hourly. So, with that plus the huge expense of the damned formula, things are really tight. Good thing I don't go anywhere and use a lot of gas!

Hubby was very sweet today. He got me tulips, a birthday cake, a nice card, and he scheduled a hair appointment for me for tomorrow! He's actually taking a few hours off work so I can go do that. 'm not thrilled he's taking time off, but it will be SO nice to get my hair done! I haven't had it done in about 8 months!

I think my "best" friend forgot about b-day. Though not sure how since Myspace sends out b-day reminders. Oh well. She's too busy with her new boyfriend.

The girls have been super fussy today too! They like to play a new game. I feed them, they start to go to sleep. I try to sleep and they get fussy. Then about 10-15 min. before I have to feed them, they go to sleep- deep sleep!! I hate having to wake them to feed them.

Update

I am home! I got to go home Sunday. I'm still pretty weak and tired though. Hubby took work off yesterday, but I'm home alone today. It's been going ok. I have accepted that the girls will be fussy in the evening and that I won't get anything done, so I am just going to camp out on the couch with them and watch tv!

I talked to my doctor, he put me on iron. The nurses were surprised that the doctor at the hospital didn't! Dr. O was also surprised they didn't let me go home Saturday!! My blood level has stayed the same since Friday after the procedure. He said it would take about a month for the levels to go back up! So, I'm sure my milk supply will stay low. I will pump what I can.

Babies screaming!

Placental Remains

Wow, what a crazy few days!

So I have been bleeding off and on, passing clots, which my doctor said was normal. Well yesterday, all of a sudden I started bleeding heavily. Soaked through a pad in about 5 min and continued to bleed into the toilet. Hubby took me in to triage. The bleeding slowed a little, the on call doctor showed up and did a fun pelvic exam. Meanwhile, I started bleeding again. They sent me to radiology to get an ultrasound to determine of I had placental remains or just a bleed. They were supposed to determine that and then send me to the proper place - if I had remains, I was to have a D&C, if I was just bleeding, a something-embolism to stop the bleeding.

They hardly spoke to me in radiology. I heard something about placental remains. Meanwhile, I am bleeding heavily and I start feeling really light headed and I'm getting scared. They send me back to Triage without telling me or the person who took me back anything. The nurse in triage - who was awesome by the way - was furious. I was bleeding so much that it was decided I needed a D&C right away. They whisked me up to the recovery area and took my blood pressure. It was super low. I don't remember the top number, but the bottom number was 46. I was really scared!

They got me to the OR right away and I thought they were going to put me under, but they didn't. I got a spinal. I am glad they did not put me under because I was really scared of that! I was nervous for the spinal because my epidural was not a fun experience and I even jumped a little when they put in the epidural. This time was much better. Not sure if the anesthesiologist was just better or if it was better because I wasn't having contractions, but it was less painful than before! I also got some phentanol (I know I did not spell that right) to calm me down. That was nice. It was very fast acting and did its job! My OB was not around, and I was a little nervous about having an OB who I hadn't met until that day do the procedure, but then the other doctor from Dr. O's office came in and was going to do the D&C. That made me feel a lot better, and he even remembered me. Later I found out there were 3 OBs in the OR, I guess looking at the placental remains I had.

Even though I lost a lot of blood, I did not need a transfusion. I thought I would be going home today, but this morning after they checked my blood count, it was still low so I am staying another night. I have been really weak all day. Earlier, I got up to go to the bathroom and almost passed out. That made me nervous, but a few hours later they had me get up and walk and I was able to!

I miss my girls terribly!!! Honestly, I wasn't sure if I would miss them because I have had a hard time with them. But just a few hours without them and I missed them SO much. I can't even explain the exact feeling - it's like a part of you is missing. Then, I find out that Maya is not eating much! And she needs to eat! I had hubby bring them today to visit and I fed Maya. She ate for me. I think she is not eating because she misses me, and that tears me up! Hopefully I can go home tomorrow!

Maya had her weight check yesterday and she is doing great! Last week she hadn't gained enough, but this week she gained 8 oz! Perfect! So now she weighs 5 lbs. 4 oz.! We don't have to go back to the pediatrician until their 2 month check up, yay!

I also attempted once again to wear my babies in my Moby wrap, and I was successful!

I went to the breastfeeding support group today so I could weigh the girls before and after a feeding. Turns out, Maya is getting nothing and Sofia is hardly getting anything at all. The pump is emptying me better than they are! Since my LC also works there, she came by to talk to us, which was nice. I have decided I am going to pump and give the girls what I get, though it's not very much! Some is better than none. I'm not going to put them to my breast at all. Well, I might once in awhile, but I'm not going to do this at every feeding. There is no point since they are getting nothing.

I'm really bummed out about this. I know I am not a bad mommy, I know that they are healthy and gaining weight, and that is what is important, but breastfeeding was really important to me. I didn't even realize how important it was to me until this happened. My LC was great. We told her about the difficulties we had at first at the hospital - the nurses on duty at the time were not the best. I didn't think I would have a problem like that since this hospital is known for encouraging breastfeeding, and all the nurses are trained in breastfeeding, etc. We did not get much support from the first ones who were on duty, and I partially blame them. Not fully, but partially. The LC agreed too. She has seen this before and she is planning on bringing it up with the hospital, which makes me feel a little better. I also think my PCOS probably played a role in my low supply. I wish someone would have told me before I gave birth that PCOS can affect supply! You would think I would have come across this in my reading, but I never did. But, I can't change anything now, so I will just have to accept it.

Donna:
I'm not sure why they are not getting anything out of the breast. When I pump, I get a little - about 20 ml. Maya has difficulty sucking and latching. I thought Sofia was doing fine, and she is getting more than her sister, but it;s still next to nothing.

I cannot just not give them a bottle. They need to be gaining weight. Sofia has been gaining well, but Maya is not gaining as much as she should be, so I have to continue with the formula no matter what.

Hospital Packing List

I wanted to post my packing list with comments about what I used or didn't use, or wished I'd had at the hospital for a reference for anyone who has not given birth yet! So, here it is!

Labor/Hubby's Bag

Swim trunks - Didn't use! I had to have the monitors on me at all times, even when I did not have the epidural yet. I think because of the twins. It also did not cross my mind to use the shower. I used the birthing ball.

Heating pads (stick on kind) - Did not use, but would have been nice if I had remembered them!

Mouthwash - Hubby did not use. My labor wasn't too long. We went in at 2 am and gave birth by 3:30.

Change of clothes for Hubby - I don't think I actually packed any. We didn't need anyway.

Robe for me - I used once I got checked in after delivery. Did not use during labor.

Makeup remover cloths - Did not use

Lip balm - Did not use

Lotion - *I* did not use, but Hubby did!

Hair ties - Definitely used!!!!

Socks (to be sacrificed to mess) Used these!! I had some fuzzy ones, had to throw them out after since the amniotic fluid was all over the place!

Camera - used

Postpartum bag

Sleep bra - Did not use, went w/out a bra

Nursing pjs - I was glad to have my own PJS!

Unscented lotion (in labor bag) - again, I did not use

Lip balm (in labor bag) - Did not use

Toothbrush - used all toiletries! It was nice to shower and have my own stuff there.

Toothpaste

Shampoo

Conditioner

Comb for hair

Body wash

Scrubby

Going home outfit, shoes (flip flops) Your belly will be big. It will be larger than people who just had 1 baby! So bring a maternity top! I just wore a t-shirt that I had been wearing the whole pregnancy. I am STILL wearing maternity stuff because my belly is still pretty big. I still look pregnant.

Slipper socks - I got the ones from Target that are fuzzy and mary jane style. I love them!! They have pad things on the bottom so you don't slip.

Lansinoh - Hospital gave me some

iPod - I did not use it, but I am glad I brought it

cell phone - yep, used all the time. Don't forget the charger! I also had Hubby bring me my laptop when I was checked in to the hospital.

*Have in car: EZ2Nurse pillow - I didn't use in the hospital, just used pillows.

For Maya and Sofia

Sleepers

2 shirts

Preemie size sleepers

hats

I did not use the hats - they were all too big! I just used the hospital hate. Did not use the shirts either. I'm glad I brought both newborn and preemie size going home outfits. They fit into the preemie size.

While in the hospital, I did not have them wear any clothes I got them. They wore the shirt the hospital had for them and they stayed double swaddled the entire time since it was hard for them to regulate their body temp. I'm not sure if all twin moms do this, but I did.

As for other stuff I wished I had, I think I had everything I needed. Moms of singletons sometimes bring other stuff to do in the hospital, but honestly, you will NOT have time if you have twins! I had to feed every 3 hours and I was formula feeding, breastfeeding, and pumping. Between that and Lactation Consultants, nurses, doctors, etc. coming in, I had NO free time. I barely even had time to eat! The only time I turned on the tv was at night when I tried to sleep for background noise.

Don't have much time before the next feeding!

MIL is gone. Thank god. Basically, she was NOT much of a help at all. Hubby had even talked to her before she came about what would be helpful to me - cleaning, cooking, stuff like that. He told her I could take care of the girls while she did other stuff. And she agreed. Well, that did not happen. Sure, it was nice to only bottle feed one, but it would have been more helpful if she would have COOKED. I cooked, made my own meals. She didn't even have suggestions. But that wasn't the worst of it.

One night, I really needed sleep so she said she would take the 11:00 feeding so I could sleep. The girls would sleep in the nursery w/ her until the 2 am feeding when I would come get them. So I slept a little, but was mostly awake. I fought the urge to go check on them because I didn't want her to feel like I was checking up on her. I should have checked on them!! 2 am comes around and I go in to the nursery. Only Sofia was in the crib! My heart was pounding! I whip around and look at the bed, all I can see is the comforter up over MIL's head. So at this point I'm freaking out! I yank off teh covers on the bed and there is MIL and Maya!! She had the covers up over both Maya and MIL's head!!!! I was so scared that little Maya had suffocated! Thankfully, she was fine. I could not believe she would do that.

Hubby talked to her the next day and made the rule about no sleeping in bed with them. MIL did not own up to her mistake. She told hubby she would never do anything to hurt them. She apologized to me, NOT for covering Maya with comforter, but for upsetting me. She then went on to say that it was fine because she knew what was going on the whole time.
Um, no you didn't. When I threw the covers off she did not even wake up!!

So that plus lots of other drama equaled a very stressful time for me. I wish she had never even come to visit!

Pediatrician Visit

We've been to the pediatrician so much in the last 2 weeks! Mostly for weight checks. Today, Maya weighed 4 lbs. 12 oz. and Sofia weighed 6 lbs. 8 oz.! He said they were both doing well, but he does want to see Maya back next week for another weight check. Seems like she probably didn't gain quite as much as he would have liked. But he did say she is doing very well!

I really like my pediatrician too! He does not go directly to meds, and has ideas for different issues. For example, I asked about Maya spitting up all the time and if her formula needs to be changed, and he said in his experience, no, changing the formula won't do anything. I described what she has been doing, and he thinks it's pretty normal. He said just to be sure she is upright for about 20 min. after she eats, and burp her plenty. I also asked him about my thrush and he said drying my nips with a hair dryer three times a day would work! He mentioned the medicine, but said the hair dryer works well to kill the yeast. So, that is what I will do. Sounds much better to me than applying meds.


Edited to add:
Not sure what I typed before, but it is likely I got the names/weights confused! Sofia is the larger girl though! :)