Last night we had our first child birth prep class! While a LOT of the stuff I either already knew, or it didn't really apply to me since I'm having twins, it was good. It was nice for us to do something as a couple and meet other expecting couples! Especially since we don't know ANYBODY who is expecting or has little babies. The last part of class where we did some breathing and relaxing was great!! It was pretty much like my yoga breathing, but it was good for hubby, and some of it was like snuggling, which was nice. In a few weeks we will have a multiples class, and I think that will be really helpful.

Here are some pics of the nursery!







And my 26 week and 3 days pic:

26 weeks

Had my OB appointment on Thursday. Everything looked good, pretty much. My cervix is fine, which is great! Both of the girls are still head down too. I liked that my OB wants to do vaginal is they stay head down. He said that having 2 and recovering from a C-section is not good, and I agree! I've heard too many stories about OBs who just jump to C-section. Glad I don't have one like that!

He also did measurements. Both girls' weights are perfect - 1 lb 14 oz. and 2 lbs! He did say that Sofia's head was a little big and her abdomen a little small. This is worrying me since we had a bad NT scan. He said it wasn't abnormal, but now I'm just really worried. Maya's measurements were great.

The nursery is all set up, and I will post pictures later!

Merry Christmas!

I was so excited because all of our furniture came in yesterday! So we picked it up and set it up last night. It was a lot of furniture to squeeze into a small room! What made it worse was that we have a bed that we need to keep for now since we will have visitors staying with us. But we managed to squeeze it all in there! I'm going to wait and take pictures once it's more done. I still have some stuff I need to get out of that room, and I will hopefully complete that today.

It's hard getting stuff done around the house. I get so tired and out of breath so easily. I do one thing, like clean some counter tops, and I have to rest. So it makes doing any projects very slow going! Also withing the past couple of days it has gotten harder. I'm usually ok in the mornings, but by afternoon, forget it! I'm done! My ankles have been swelling pretty bad too, so I do try to keep my feet up as much as possible. It's hard because most people think it's the same as being pregnant with one. It's not. I even had to talk to hubby about this. We got into an argument - well, ok a fight - and I think he realized that growing two really is different. Probably part of it was my fault. I tend to keep things inside and I don't like to complain, so I think he assumed I was fine. Had the typical aches and pains, but not as much as I really do. But we talked, and it's fine now. We are just going to have to remember to communicate to each other better.

And even though I do have aches and pains and it is getting rough, I would not trade this in for anything. I am so appreciative! And I love feeling them kicking me! The physical pain is a LOT different from the emotional pain of not being able to have kids. The physical pain is just that - physical. It gets better. Emotional pain is much worse. And that is something I will NEVER forget.

Maternity Leave

I finally have it all figured out! Maternity leave is super confusing, especially for teachers. Even though I am a state employee, I do not get SDI or anything. It's all different. Awhile ago I went and talked to payroll, and they of course scared me. Told me that unless my doctor approved time out before I give birth, I couldn't take ANY. Then, I could only stay out 6 or 8 weeks after birth. Any more time, I would have to get the doctor to approve it. Even though I have enough sick days to cover it. Oh, and those 6 or 8 weeks? That also gets taken out of my sick leave. Which makes no sense to me.

So I was getting worried that my doctor wouldn't approve extra time off, because I have heard stories of that happening. Luckily I have the coolest OB in the world and he told me he would approve any time before and after birth! That made me feel a lot better. I was still a little worried because I wasn't sure about my sick leave. But I calculated it out, and it works out so that I can use all my sick leave and half sick leave, and disability will cover the other part that the half sick leave does not. So that is a huge relief that I don't have to worry about my pay for the rest of the year or going back to work!

Stretch Marks

They are here. Stretch marks. Of course, I knew it was more than likely going to happen, but I held out hope! My mom never got any stretch marks with her three pregnancies. Of course, she also was never pregnant with twins! They aren't too bad yet, but I did notice the beginnings of some new ones today. I have read about women who are pregnant with twins who do not get any stretch marks until late - like 35 weeks! I think I would rather get mine early! Because if you get them at 35 weeks, I know I would be thinking, "wow! I didn't get any! It's almost time to give birth and I didn't get any!" Then, I would get some, and it would be an even bigger shock! So, I'm not happy about the stretch marks, but I'm not devastated either. I mean, I knew they could happen. It's all a part of the experience!

Hubby is making me laugh. He is totally nesting! His project this weekend was to paint the closet doors he made for the nursery. So, I thought that was ALL he was going to do, but apparently not! He took Friday off of work and did finished painting over the patch in the wall in our bedroom. Then, I thought he would start the closet doors. Nope! Instead, he caulked all of our trim around the house and painted the trim! Sure, it needed it, but it was a lot more work than just painting the doors! Saturday he started the doors. They are painted now and look great! I just find it amusing that he is nesting so much.

24 weeks!

I had an OB appointment yesterday. It was at 11:00 am, and I the going in in the middle of the day because my OB is always backed up! Wasn't too bad this time, but I like much better earlier in the morning! Anyway, I thought he was going to do measurements of the girls, but no. He said he would next time. So no pictures. Boohoo! He was pretty fast too, so I didn't get as good of a look at them as I like. But, they look even more like babies now! I can't remember if I posted about it, but last week I was laying on the couch and the side of my stomach popped out. I felt it, and it felt like a head! Well, it was! Last time, Maya was breech, and now she is not. So I know that was when she flipped. Crazy!! So now they are snuggled up close, although it did look like one was about hit the other in the head with her hand!

I've been having some Braxton-Hicks. Not very many, and only after I've been active, and my OB said not to worry. He said if they come with pain or don't go away with rest or are a lot more frequent, then to call. That was good to hear. My cervix is great, so at this point I can still do whatever I want! It was also nice that he said at this point it is up to me when I want to stop work! He will approve it! So, theoretically, I could stop tomorrow! That was really nice to know, because I wasn't sure about when I'd go out or anything. Originally, I wanted to try to make it to March 1. But I will be 35 weeks at that point. Judging from how I'm feeling this week, there is no way I will still be able to work at 35 weeks! So, if everything continues to go well, maybe I will shoot for stopping work between 30 and 32 weeks.

LAst weekend we ordered the cribs! I wanted to order the dresser at the same time, but no. Babies R Us had none in the warehouse and apparently they will not place orders unless they have it at the warehouse. Which makes no sense to me, but hey, that's Babies R Us! I did call earlier this week and they said I could order it starting on Saturday. So that's the plan! It will be so exciting to get some furniture in the nursery!

It's funny to me. It seems a lot of people are able to rely on their family for many things, and that's wonderful. Me, I've never been able to rely on my family, so that's nothing new. But hubby has been able to rely on his family for some things, until now it seems. I guess it's just funny to me that some of our friends have been more supportive and helpful to us since finding out we are having twins than any of our families! A friend of mine sent me a TON of stuff recently - tons of clothes, and I mean tons! A Bumbo, Bjorn, and other really useful stuff that will totally come in handy! Now another friend is going to give us another bag of clothes! But our families really haven't said much about anything. Hubby's dad at first said he would help us, and told us a few times specifically that he'd send money. He never did. Part of the problem is he's an alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic too, so I know they talk big and don't follow through. But honestly, before now he has followed through. So I guess I thought if it was important he would do it. Guess not. And the rest of his family hasn't really said much about anything. And, really, I don't want it to sound like I'm being greedy or anything, but I just thought we'd have more family support. So I know that this is one area that WILL change as we raise our babies. They will have family support. My family was never close, and I want our new family to be close and have a good relationship, so I am going to work on that. I know no family is perfect, but I can make it better for my kids.

OH Good god. I thought the "lovely" anon posts were done - guess not. Since this person only read "money" in my post - let me clarify. I'm not just talking about money. I'm talking more about emotional support, and follow through. If you say you are going to do something, do it. We will be fine financially - yes, I'm stressing, but I stress, that is me. It's not just about money. It's about putting family first. It's about priorities. Basically, friends of ours have showed more concern emotionally about us than our families.

I'm seriously laughing at this comment because it talks about me not being ready. Um, ok. Have you read any of my blog?? Almost 2 years of TTC and I'm not ready. Sorry, don't think so! I'm also not immature. I've had to deal with FAR more than MOST people have to EVER deal with in their ENTIRE LIFETIME. My struggles go back to childhood. I have NEVER had it easy. But, I am stronger for it and I have turned out well. I have a good job, a great husband, a home, and expecting 2 babies! Yes, I know I will have many sleepless nights - you think I didn't think about that? Come ON! I had over 2 years of thinking about that. Your comments remind me of a typical "fertiles" comments.

Like I said before, even though I gave some monetary examples, it's not about money. It's about showing that you CARE. It's about doing what you can within your means and making family a priority. We have had not really had that from our families. And you know what? Yes, some material items do come into play. I don't expect much, I really don't, but I do expect family to come first. Our friends have treated us more like family than our family. That was the point.

Today I got Newsweek magazine - I get a subscription for work - and the cover story was about diet and fertility! The neat thing was there was finally a study done on it. However, it looked like the only thing it studied was if the women had ovulatory dysfunction. The article also talked about the impact of diet on insulin levels. And really, everything they talked about sounded like PCOS to me. I'm glad there was a study, but I wish more studies would be done especially for "unexplained" infertility. I didn't read the end of the article, but I hope it didn't make light of the topic. Sometimes just a change in diet will not help. I do think there are plenty of environmental factors that come into play.

I used to work at this school that was in the inner city. It was awful. And honestly, I was concerned for my health. Interestingly enough, at least 4 of us who worked there were dealing with infertility! That is a pretty high number. Also, there were a few people who also got cancer. It really makes me wonder about the environment there. Luckily, I got out after a couple years but most stayed.

I was happy to see that article, maybe more people will become educated about infertility. I think we are going to continue to see a rise in it because of our diet and the toxins in the environment, unfortunately.

Thanks for all the nice comments!

Today I went to my school district's central office - the main office of the program I work for is there - and 3 people only had nice things to say! Such a relief after pretty much only hearing how big I am. Plus, I had a really awful comment today, so the nice ones really made up for it. The awful comment was from a co-worker at my school, she was surprised at how big I had gotten in the last week (though I don't think I am THAT much bigger) she was shocked and then told me it was like in that movie where she is pregnant with a demon and gets big over night. Wow. Thanks a LOT. So I tried to just forget that one. Later, three people at the district office told me how cute I looked! So much better than a demon comment! Nothing at all about how large I am. It was so nice.

Then, I got home and my diaper bag had arrived!! I was so excited because I bought it online from Skip Hop with a 50% off code! Here is the bag:
I love it! Nice and big, lots of pockets and cute!

Belly Pics!

Since I am procrastinating doing my homework (which HAS to get done this weekend), I've decided to post the belly pics!

5 weeks:
14 weeks:

19 weeks in painted nursery:
And the newest, 21 weeks w/ our dog:

Oh yes, I forgot! The best thing would be living near you, yodasmistress! :) Well, at least that would make 2 cool people I know who I would live near. My SIL is the other.

I think I'm getting bigger by the second. Ok, maybe not second, but by the day! My back hurts more frequently now, and I cannot even imagine how it's going to be in a couple of months! Very worth it though!

The babies seem more active too - or at least I can feel them more! Sometimes I can tell their movements apart. Sofia I can feel kick me on my left side. But sometimes I'm not sure if I'm feeling Maya or not because she on my right side, feet down. So her feet are on Sofia's head. So that is harder to tell unless it's a movement that's up pretty high. There was one time today when one was kicking me and I felt it right behind and a little below my belly button. That just felt WEIRD. But I do love feeling them move around!

I have been able to feel them a couple time on the outside, but pretty lightly. I'm sure it's easier for me to tell that's what I'm feeling since I can also feel it inside. I had DH put his hand on my belly and finally they kicked a little, but he couldn't feel it! He pouted and said, "No fair!" Of course I was thinking, it IS fair. I'm the one who had to go through the HSG and all the injects and dildo cam! So it is fair I get all the cool stuff!

:) Yes, the plan is to move. BUT the housing market is awful right now so I am not sure we'd be able to sell our condo. No way we could rent it out because I really don't think anyone would pay what we pay for our mortgage plus property tax. But we really need to talk to a realtor. It would be nice to move and be close to family (well, that would also be a pain!). I would miss the weather here though! But I know I would much rather have a house. With a YARD.

Yeah, I know expenses are relative, and it does totally vary, but if we were to move to Indianapolis - and Indiana has some of the lowest housing costs - One of us could stay home, the other could make around $35,000 and we could still afford a house. So, in Indiana anyway, it is proportionately lower, and that it where we would move anyway. I know that not all areas are like that!

Hmm, just realized you cannot really tell what is on the letters. They are flowers! I think you can see a close up if you click on it. Oh well.

So I'm started to get REALLY stressed about money. It's probably good that I am stressed, I mean, it's better than not being concerned at all. But I just wish I didn't have to worry so much about it! What is worrying me most is day care. It is SO expensive! And get this, it will be cheaper for us to get a nanny than to send the babies to day care!!! I guess because for infant care there are restrictions and everything, but it is crazy! Most of the centers I've looked at would be $2400 and up per MONTH for both! No way we can pay that plus our mortgage. So I will be looking into a nanny. And hopefully we will be able to do that part time. I really wish I could just stay home, but there is no way we could do that. Unfortunately.

Sometimes I wish we lived in a more affordable state. We are wanting to move, but I don't think we will be able to right now because of the housing market. But it would be nice. Cost of living is outrageous here in San Diego. If we made the salary we make here, but lived in the midwest, we could have a huge house with a huge yard. But we are here and have a tiny 2 bedroom CONDO that was built in 1970. No yard. It's just craziness.

I know everything will work out, but it is stressful. Not to mention who knows how our families will be able to to help out. They are crazy, as are most families. I'm not sure we can really count on them at this point.

Just finished their name letters, and I just need to add the ribbon:

I had an appointment today! Now, I knew he was going to start checking my cervix, but I assumed it would be with the ultrasound, since that is how the peri did it. Nope! I was wrong! He checked manually. I wish I would have known - I would have attempted to shave my legs! But the good news is, my cervix is great! No change. The babies look good too. I've been feeling them move all day today, so that has been nice too.

I'm starting to get REALLY big. Luckily, it really is all stomach. They weighed me however, and I think she did it wrong. She said I weighed about 10 pounds more than last time (2 weeks ago!) and I know that wasn't right. When I got home I weighed myself and it said I was up 6 pounds - which is still a lot, but better than her calculations! My maternity clothes are not getting tight or anything though, it's just my belly!

I need to post some belly shots, and I will get around to it. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I sure am giving thanks this year!

Pregnancy Book Reviews

Since I've read a few pregnancy books, I've decided to review them!
Rating Scale: 1-5
1= do not waste your money or your time even reading
3= do not buy, check out from the library or borrow from a friend!
5= Excellent! buy! Read!

What to Expect When You're Expecting
Rating: 2
I bought this book in the very early days of my pregnancy. It scared the crap out of me! I had to stop reading it because some of the things to watch for in early pregnancy were very scary ad misleading. It has some good info, but really nothing you can't find on the internet. I wouldn't waste my money again!

The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy
Rating: 5
Excellent book! This book was very funny, and written in a conversational tone. It really put my mind at ease too! This was definitely worth buying and reading, and had some good info.

Belly Laughs
Rating: 5
This was a great, quick read. Very funny - I could totally relate to some of the situations! It has some great tips for hubby in the back too.

Baby Bargains
Rating: 5+
This book is a must have! It has the best information on lots of baby gear. They base the ratings off of parent reviews and price. They also give thorough descriptions of why they gave it the rating they did. It was very helpful to me and it is really a must have. There is a lot of crappy baby gear out there and this book will help you stay clear of it!

Twin Specific Books
Twinspiration
Rating: 1
I bought this book because it was recommended on a twin board I go to. I haven't read all of it, but so far I am very disappointed! First, the lay out of the information in the book is very confusing. One chapter has a bunch of different topics, and it goes from pregnancy info to birth info and back to pregnancy info. It could have been organized in a much better way. Second, some of the recommendations are very conservative. The author says to never ever have caffeine - when it is ok to have a little bit. There were a few things I just didn't agree with. Plus, the information so far isn't anything I didn't know already.

When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets, and More
Rating 3
The book immediately turned me off because the author, who has a PhD, seemed to feel like she had to prove herself over and over. Honestly, I thought her credentials were pretty good - worked with twins, researched it, worked at University of Michigan - but every other sentence was about proving herself. That was a turn off. The other thing I did not like was that about half the book is dedicated to diet. The author feels very strongly that the mother's weight correlates to the babies' birth weights. This may be true, but a huge emphasis was placed on diet. There are tons of recipes as well in the book. My OB told me not to worry about gaining weight, because I will gain weight, and I have. I'm a little under what the author of the book recommends, but my babies are doing great! This book does have some good information on twin pregnancies, so it worth reading.

I can't believe I haven't posted about the comments people make! Well, I will now!
I know that people don't mean any harm by saying these comments, but really, they get old and very annoying. First, so many people are just shocked when I tell them how far along I am. Even the ones who know I have twins, I tell them how many weeks I am and their jaws literally fall open. I had one woman ask me how many weeks I was and then she said, "You're gonna be HUGE!" Gee. Thanks. Really, I know I'm going to get big, I have TWINS, but no need to remind me. Doesn't help that at my work there is a girl who is about 32 or 33 weeks pregnant and she is SMALLER than I am! I know people carry different, but wow.

Then, there are the comments people love to give me when they find out I'm having twins. Probably the most common one is, "Oh you aren't going to have any free time once they arrive!" Oh gee, really?? I never thought about that once during the almost 2 years of trying to get pregnant or doing injects/IUI and having a much greater chance for twins.

And my principal. I know he means well but EVERY time I see him he makes a comment about how I'm eating for 3 or any comment that has to do with me carrying twins. At first, it was fine. But a month later??

I just remind myself that these people don't mean any harm, but it is annoying. Plus I get annoyed really quick these days, so you'd think people would think about that.

I do need to mention that today I got a really NICE comment. I was at Starbucks and the guy behind the counter asked me when I was due. I told him and prepared myself for his jaw hitting the ground. Nope! He just smiled. Then he asked if I knew the gender and I told him 2 girls, and again prepared myself for the comments. He was very sincere and told me congratulations and that 2 girls would be so fun! And that really made my day. No annoying comment! It was great!

Girls!

So, it's confirmed! 2 baby girls! The ultrasound went well today - and of course I had nothing to worry about. Even though I can't always feel them, they are very active! Everything looked great and there were NO soft markers for Downs! The u/s tech even put it on the 4d view for a bit, and we also got video of that. I am just so happy that everything went well and everything looks great! They weigh 9 and 10 oz, which is great! Baby A (Sofia) has her head right by my cervix and Baby B (Maya) has her head pretty much on top of Sofia's chest, so they are snuggled in together. I'm just so happy things are going well now!

I haven't posted anything in awhile, so I thought I would!
I also need to post some pictures on here. I'll get around to that some day!

I have 2 appointments this week. Perinatologist on Thursday - we will confirm the genders, yay! OB on Friday. Then, I'm pretty much back to the OB every 2 weeks from now on.

A little over a week ago I *really* started feeling movement! But now, I'm not feeling much. Which if course has me worried. I'm trying to tell myself that it's too early for it to be consistent or that they are facing the wrong way or something. I've felt a couple little things, but nothing like it was last week, so I think that's why I'm worried. I'll feel better Thursday!

Hubby painted the nursery over the weekend! It is a spring green color, and is very cute. Of course, we still have our computer and stuff in here, and it will look even better when we have all the baby stuff. But just painting it has me all excited!

Fires

What a week. I live in San Diego, and most of you I'm sure have seen news coverage of the fires. It is really bad here. Luckily, we didn't have to evacuate - we are in a pretty safe area, though yesterday I got a little nervous. But the winds have died down, so I'm hoping that things will be able to get under control. Most of the county has had to evacuate their homes. It's very sad, and I know lots of people who have had to evacuate.

Air quality around my house had been ok. Not great, but ok. Today, it's worse. I woke up and my house smells like a campfire! I've been staying indoors, but now my throat is fairly irritated and I've been coughing a little. I know it can't be healthy!

In baby news... I've felt them a little, but nothing like Sunday! I would to feel them more again! Hubby is getting more excited. He has now been talking to them a little through my belly :) It's very cute.

Movement!!!

So for a few weeks occasionally I've been feeling something - wasn't sure if it was movement or not. Well, tonight, I definitely am feeling movement!!! The first time felt like a muscle twitch, but kept going, then stopped and started again. I felt that a little later. Then the last time I know I felt both of them move! The last one I felt was pretty strong, a totally strange sensation! Of course, I share this with hubby, but he is not nearly as excited as I am!

I made it through my first week back to work! It's been exhausting, but I made it! I get out of breath really easy, so I make sure to take it as easy as I can. It's difficult trying to go back to a semi normal life after being in bed for 3 weeks.

It's nice that I can appreciate this pregnancy in ways that normal, "fertile" cannot. I think most women do know how much of a miracle it is to have a baby (or babies!) growing inside of you, but after trying for so long, it is special. There are things that are uncomfortable, and I'm sure will get even more uncomfortable, but I don't really complain about them, I know it comes with the territory and it is just really cool to be growing lives inside of you!

And let me just say a little about Pregnancy Brain! I have it bad. I used to be very good at spelling and grammar. Now, sometimes I can't remember how to spell certain (easy) words! And I find myself making stupid usage errors, like using "to" for "too" and not catching it until later, if ever! I think that bugs me the most, but at least I have something to blame it on!

Isn't it sad I'm second guessing posting anything? When I started this blog I really thought nobody would read. Now it seems there are quite a few people who read! I just hope anyone who reads this will kindly take the negativity elsewhere. Not that I've had any lately, but it was bad enough in the recent past.

I can't believe I'm almost 16 weeks! I'm also starting to show. And I mean show so that strangers notice! However, I've noticed a few women look at my belly and I always think about how *I* felt when I saw a pregnant woman and I wasn't pregnant. Then I feel bad. I wish at times like those I could have a shirt or something that said I struggled with infertility.

I don't have any appointments until November 8th. 3 weeks from this Thursday! I've been so spoiled with all the ultrasounds. It's been nice because I like seeing them, knowing they are ok. So I think these next few weeks may be hard. I'm going to try my best not to freak out and worry. I'm also trying not to worry about my NT scan results.

This was my first week back to work. It's been good. Tiring, but good. However, I've been telling people that I'm having twins. Usually that is fine, but a teacher at my school had triplets a few years back. I knew this, but of course then he wanted to talk about it a little bit when he found out I was having twins. Then today, the counselor came up to me and let me know her mom was a triplet. Of course, that made me sad. I know the decision I made was the right one. But it still hurts. It's not like I'm over it. I know what I did was in the best interest of my babies' health, but I am still sad. I'm sure that is to be expected, but it is difficult.

I had my follow up ultrasound today with the peri! But before I get to that, I have been up and around for 2 days no and NO spotting!!! So I'm off bed rest!

We asked the ultrasound tech if she could tell the gender, and she said she'd look, but it's not 100%. So, Baby A is a girl! Later the peri also looked and said he would bet money that Baby A is a girl!

Baby B the u/s tech said also looked like a girl! Now, when the peri looked, she wasn't cooperating, so he couldn't tell at all. So there is still a chance it might not be a girl, but I have a feeling it is! I'm a little bummed we don't have one of each, but that's ok. At least now I get to us my two favorite girl names!

Everything else looked ok. I didn't write about this before because of all the drama over my blog, but I will share it now. When I went in to the peri when I had spotting I had the NT scan done. Now, I thought it had been done *before* the reduction, but apparently not. I'm not happy about that. So because it was done after the reduction, we couldn't do the blood test part. So the results aren't all that accurate. Baby B came back with a fine ratio - nothing to worry about. Baby A has a risk of 1/248. So we are concerned. I won't do an amnio - I've had enough needles sticking in there, and I'm NOT going to have another reduction if it came back positive, so there is no point. In 3 weeks we will have another detailed ultrasound to look for soft markers. Today, they found NO soft markers, so I think that's a good sign. Also, we were talking to the peri about it (it was a different peri who did the measurements) and he did tell us that 2 of the measurements were normal, but one was higher, so they input the higher one to err on the side of caution. So I'm hoping that everything will be fine.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OB, and the nurse practitioner already told me that he does NOT believe in the NT scan, so that was nice to hear. I love my OB and have confidence in him.

Some people asked if I would share the gender, and of course I did :) There is NO way I could NOT find out the gender because I am such a planner. I like to know and plan for things!

I hope the rest of my pregnancy goes smoothly.

I'm still on bed rest, but I'm hoping that when I go to the peri on Thursday I will be off it! Today I had an appointment with the nurse practitioner. If I had a "normal" pregnancy this would be the first standard visit. The NP was great, and she did a quick ultrasound! The beans are doing great! Also heard their heartbeats and they sounded good too! So, I am relieved and happy now. Thursday I have the peri appointment and Friday I have an OB appointment.

I'm also definitely starting to show!

Wow. Wow, wow, wow! I came across a blog of someone who frequents a great message board I go to often and have gotten tons of support from. I read a few of her entries, and can't help think, is she writing about me? She must be. I know, it's her blog and she can post whatever, but I really am amazed that someone else who is suffering from IF is that hateful. I get that some people are against abortion, and I guess no matter what, they will see it as an awful thing. For me, I am not against abortion, especially if it is for the health of the mom and other babies. This is not a discussion I ever get into with anti-abortion people because I know I will not change their minds. But I think what amazes me is that often times, these people cannot put those feelings aside and be empathetic to someone's situation. I see a lack of empathy running rampant in the world today, and it makes me sad. Without empathy, wars will continue and get worse. Society will become an even more hateful place. How do you think hate crimes happen? It's ignorance plus a lack of empathy.

It amazes me that she called me selfish (then again, maybe she didn't write about me??). I did not do this for selfish reasons. Quite the opposite! I feel it is selfish to put your babies in greater danger for disabilities. I could not risk the life of my babies plus my life just to carry 3. I know others see it a different way, and we are not going to agree on this. I do not think that people who choose to carry 3 are selfish. I think it is a totally personal decision, and one that is NEVER taken lightly.

It amazes me that people make this decision seem so simplistic. It's not. She made a comment about not telling her she hasn't been in my shoes. Well, she hasn't. You can think about what you might do in this situation, but honestly, until you have to face it, you don't know what it's like. It's JUST like infertility! How many times do we say that people who have never experienced it don't know what it's like? That is completely true! It's the same thing. This is not a simple decision, don't make it simplistic.

A side note if she is reading: I did NOT have more than 6 follies on this cycle. I had 5. Yes, I had a cycle where I did have more than 6, but I trusted my doctor. I know you trust your doctor, it is the same thing. A very small percentage of people with IUI end up with triplets. The statistics are much higher with IVF. And to the people who commented about not being able to have a differing point of view:m You CAN. But during this time I ask people to respect my blog and not post hateful comments here because I am going through a very difficult time. I would never go to another blog where someone is going through something difficult and start trying to argue with that person about their choices I didn't agree with. That's just mean. I'm all for debate and speaking your mind, but I am choosing for that not to be here right now. Plus, like I stated before, I do not get into abortion debates because it is pointless. Neither side will convince the other of anything. The one thing I can do that many people who are "pro-life" seem to not be able to do is understand their point of view. I completely understand it, but disagree.

I've had more crap dumped on me within the last day. I was going to discuss it here, but I'm going to hold off. I know she may read this and think I'm "whining" but I don't really care. It amazes me that so much can get dumped on one person, or one couple. And this is a huge reason why I don't believe in organized religion. I actually haven't believed in organized religion for a very long time, because I saw innocent people have these awful horrible things happen to them. Then I would hear people say things like, "It was God's plan." I don't buy that. I do believe in god, but not any God that is represented in the major religions today. I do not think there is a guy sitting up there deciding that this awful thing needs to happen to this child or person. That is too awful for me to believe in. And I know there are people who believe in organized religion who also do not believe this way. But many, many churches operate under this belief.

That was a huge tangent. Anyway, the point of all this is I think the world would be a much better, happier, and peaceful place if people were more empathetic to each other.

I'm back on bed rest. Monday, I got up and was moving around more and everything was fine all day - no spotting or anything. Then, in the evening, spotting. The next day, I called the peri, however mine is on vacation. The other peri wanted me to come in the following day (today). So, we went. Everything looks fine. The u/s tech was very nice and showed us everything. Heard both heartbeats! Both strong at 157 and 169 bpm. The other peri was a little odd, I didn't like him too much. He kept making "jokes" that really weren't funny. But anyway, he said I neede to continue bed rest until I've had a week with no spotting. I tried to explain to him that when I lie in bed I don't spot, it's when I move around. And he agreed and thought that made sense. But, I was still confused. How do I know when I can come off? I guess what I'll do is take a week and then get up and move around more and see if I spot. Unfortunately, my peri does not come back until I have my follow up on October 11. But, better safe than sorry!!

Thanks for all the nice comments :) The procedure was a lot less physically painful than I had imagined. Still not comfortable, but the pain was much less than my HSG was! It was a very long and rough day. We were walking out to the car, I felt something in my underwear, and it was blood. That of course freaked me out. We went back, he examined me and did an ultrasound, and everything looked ok. The peri said he may have hit a blood vessel and that could be causing the bleeding. He gave me another day of bedrest - but I was going to do 2 days anyway.

So then, during the night I woke up and my pantyliner was soaked through. It was pink but looked like it was also mixed with fluid. So we called him and luckily he was at the hospital. He said it was probably fine, but to come in and he would do an ultrasound to make me feel better. So we went in to Triage and everyone was really nice. He did the ultrasound and everything looked great. He did give me a prescription for antibiotics just in case. That made me feel better. So now I feel like I am doing everything I can to make sure everything goes well.

Emotionally, this is really rough, I knew it would be. I'm glad I have a therapist appointment coming up.

Please continue to send your good positive thoughts. I think I won't be in the clear for 2 weeks. I have a follow up with the peri in 3 weeks (he will be out of town and he wanted to do the follow up) but I do have 2 appointments with my OB before that. I just hope everything goes well and nothing bad happens. I am thinking positive, so I'm hoping that will also help.

Donna - your question was not insensitive at all! Usually, if nothing is wrong with any of them, they will take the one that is easiest to get to. I think also sometimes they would take the smaller ones. In my case, there is one that is easier to get to and the placenta is not on the front wall, which is better. They will first do an NT scan to see if there are any abnormalities, but the peri said that usually they are all healthy.

I'm just really scared and nervous right. Not sure I'll be able to sleep. Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts :) I'm not sure when I'll be up to update, but maybe later this weekend. I just hope everything goes well.

Oh, I guess I never mentioned how many we were reducing to. We are reducing to 2. Twins still have a risk, but not nearly as high as triplets. I could not reduce any further than that (unless I absolutely HAD to), and actually, none of my doctors (RE,OB,Peri) ever even brought up reducing to 1.

The nurse from the peri office called me back. Actually, *I* had to call and got transferred to her voicemail. The first time I called I asked for voicemail but the girl said she could just take the message. I had a feeling the nurse wouldn't get it. Anyway, she called back and said the only thing I could take was Motrin. But I have a feeling she didn't even consult the doctor. I really didn't feel like dealing with it anymore, so I let it go. So now, I'm just hoping I'll be ok!

Someone asked about my job and getting time off. Luckily, I am not in the classroom right now so I can actually go to doctor's appointments! That has been really helpful since I've had a million appointments! This week, I am taking a personal day on Friday and Monday. I also have tons of sick days saved up (that I will be using for maternity leave), so I'm covered! Work is actually a nice distraction! I don't think about things too much while I'm at work, so that has helped. Not sure how it will be next week though.

I've actually been ok so far this week. I think it has helped that I know the decision we made was the right one for us. Doesn't make it easier, but I'm not a wreck like I was right after the consult.

I did call the peri today to see if I could get some meds to take before to calm me down. Not sure he'll give them to me, but we'll see. I know I'll be very nervous before, so it would be nice to be able to relax a little and not have my heart racing.

I had to take a little bit of a break from even looking on here. But, I felt like today I was strong enough to deal with whatever comments I saw. I'm truly at peace (sort of) with my decision. I KNOW it is the best thing for my family. I know this deep in my heart, and it is the decision for us. Now, that doesn't mean I'm happy about having to do this! This is the worst thing I think I could go through.

I respect the anon commenter who did apologize. And trust me, I know that all my babies have heartbeats - I have seen them all. And it makes it so much harder. I cannot stand that they have to do this procedure at 12-12 1/2 weeks. That being said, this is the right decision for us. I've done lots of research and thought about all different situations. I don't find fault with people who decide to carry triplets and risk miscarrying the whole thing or risk serious birth defects, so I expect others to not judge me here.

Thank you to all of you who have been SO supportive! It really means so much to me. My appointment is Friday at 1:15, and I am terrified.

Because of the increase of rude comments, I have decided to moderate all comments. I didn't really want to have to do this. First of all, it's not like I have a ton of time to do that. Second, I normally don't want to have to moderate comments - it reminds me in a way of censorship. I would rather not have to moderate them, but for now, I'm going to. I'll still have to see any rude comments, but I also might not read or approve ANY comments for a few weeks. So, if you do comment and don't see it, just know that it is because I don't want to see anything rude.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive! It really has helped me, and I appreciate it so much!

Again, to the commenters: This blog is public for a reason. It's about education about infertility and support for others who are going through infertility. I already said in a previous blog entry - if you do not agree with reduction, do not post rude comments, and you don't have to read this. But this blog is public for a REASON. Again, I know people have differing views, and I already addressed that. You want to debate reduction? Go to a message board and start that topic, but don't go to people's blogs and bash people in a time when they really don't need it.

To the anon who made the RUDE comment: Honestly, I DO NOT NEED THAT! Have YOU ever been in my position? I think NOT! How DARE you judge someone when you have not even gone through ANY of what I have gone through. You have NO IDEA what I am going through and will be going through for the REST OF MY LIFE. This is not an easy decision, or one I made lightly at all. HOW DARE YOU come here and judge me. You are a sorry excuse for a person.

This is MY blog. A place for MY thoughts, feelings, and everything. You do not need to read my blog and comment on it - why make someone who is already feeling awful, feel even worse?

Over the weekend, hubby and I discussed and made our decision. We are going ahead with the reduction. It is the only thing that makes sense for us. We looked at all the statistics and everything, and we are going to do it. I'm incredibly sad that I have to be doing this. Nobody should ever have to be in this position ever. I'm scared about having the procedure - scared of it hurting, I'm scared of losing all of them, but this decision feels right for us.

I got more things straightened out with the insurance. The OB got the correct authorization codes. Then, the financial lady said it would take 3 days to go through, so I asked her if I could just schedule the appointment since it has to be done in a certain time frame. She said to have them put it in as "cash" and then they will change it. Of course, by the time she called me the appointment desk was closed so I have to call back tomorrow. Not sure what happens if they can't get me in. I really want it done on a Friday so I don't have to worry about work and what to tell people when I take 2 days off, but if I have to I will. The peri said I only need to rest for 24 hours, but I would like to rest for more - just in case.

I just can't believe this is happening to me. Why do infertiles always get the short end of the stick?

I hate my HMO!!

I hate my HMO! HATE THEM! After our visit to the peri yesterday, we were supposed to schedule our next appointment for the in depth ultrasound and possible SR. Well, they wouldn't schedule it because they needed authorization. UGH. Did my RE office ever do that? NO! They just scheduled me then got authorization. Anyway, I did what they said and called my OB to let him know they would be calling for authorization, and he knew what for as well. The peri office never called me today, so I called them. The receptionist tells me I still need authorization. I tell her it is super important I get an appointment because it HAS to be done in a certain time frame. She transfers me to their billing department. This lady says it takes 3 days. UGH. But then luckily she looks me up and an authorization has gone through. However, it is the WRONG authorization. It is for a consult!! So, I totally blame whoever called from the peri office, because they should have known! So, I call my OB and of course he isn't in. I leave a message. Luckily I got someone who seemed competent. Sometimes I don't and they mess up the messages. I made sure she put on there that this was URGENT.

Why can't they just schedule me?!?!? It makes no sense! I HATE HMOS! And why was *I* doing all the leg work? I wish all offices were like my RE office. They always got all authorizations and everything. They were great. I guess that's how it works when many of the patients pay out of pocket. I'm just so mad. I really don't need this stress on top of everything else.

I also wanted to address some of Karen's comments. Thank you for the info! I know my peri said he'd done 50 reductions, and has had 1 loss. He is sure the loss was from the reduction because the loss happened the next day. It bothers me a bit that he said he has done 50. Of course, I didn't think to ask if it was 50 total, or 50 a year. I have a feeling I will be calling him back to talk to him some more.

Peri Appointment

I had my perinatologist appointment today. I thought I would come away from the appointment with more information and a clear idea of what I wanted to do next. I was so wrong. I did get more information, but I am even more confused now. I know that he has to be impartial and not try to sway you one way or the other - I'm sure they do that for legal reasons - but it would be nice to hear their opinion.
I did get a long list of different things like preterm labor and NICU admission and it compares rates of singleton pregnancies to twins to triplets and up.

This is just so unfair that I have to make this decision. I think I am still leaning toward reduction, but I really don't want to lose the whole pregnancy. But it's not like I have a crystal ball that will tell me the future if I did decide to keep all 3. Because who knows, I could lose all or some of them, they could be born with cerebal palsy, or they could be born completely healthy. There is no way of knowing and I think that is what is driving me crazy!

So, I really have to consider not only health consequences, but also financial ones. We are planning on moving back to the midwest next summer, but if we can't sell our condo, we aren't moving. I'm not sure we could afford to live in San Diego with our mortgage and take care of 3 babies. As it is, we both have to work to pay the mortgage. Add to that the cost of daycare, and we would have no money left over.

I also do not want my babies to have to be in the NICU. They most likely will be if I continue with three. I also do not want any of them to have any disabilites like cerebal palsy. It would be heartbreaking.

I just really hate this. It's so unfair.

Still 3

Had another ultrasound today at the RE office. Still 3. I'm pretty depressed. I was hoping that maybe I wouldn't have to make a decision about SR, but it looks like I will. Also, C, the one that was a week behind, totally caught up. So B and C are about the same size. That also depresses me. I keep going back and forth with my decision, but I think when I meet with the perinatologist next week it will be good. Nobody should have to go through this. I want to just be happy right now, and I can't.

"morning" sickness

I think my "morning" sickness is in full swing now. I had a great 3 days last week where I was hungry and not nauseous! Then, of course, that ended and I've been nauseous since! It wasn't too bad at first, just a bit nauseous mostly in the afternoons. Then yesterday the nauseousness got worse.

I ended up going to the grocery store, which is probably the WORST thing to do when you are pregnant! I thought I was going to lose it a few times, but luckily I didn't. Until I got home! I felt better for like 10 min. and then nauseous again. Not fun.

I went to bed, and woke up at 2 am, which is becoming a regular thing now. I have to eat something when I wake up because my stomach just feels like a pit. So I ate some graham crackers and a little Gatorade. That too, came back up. If the throwing up gets worse, I am going to talk to my doctor about medication. My RE actually seems more concerned with morning sickness than my OB. Every time I visit the RE they ask me if I've thrown up. My OB saw me eating and was glad I was eating and told me the trick was to have something in my stomach. Well, that doesn't always work!

I have another ultrasound tomorrow and I will discuss something that's been bothering me. I guess it doesn't really matter, but it's bugging me. My OB did an abdominal ultrasound on Friday and he was looking at C, and I said, "Oh I'm pretty sure that's the small one" because that one has a funny shaped sack since it's lower then the rest. Well, he measured it and it wasn't that small! He then found B, which was hard for him to see and measured that one a week behind. So now I'm confused. I'm wondering if it is because he did an abdominal though. I know B is hard to see because it's at the top of my uterus. So I'll talk to my RE about it. I don't know why it's bugging me so much, but it is.

We also told out parents this weekend, and they are really excited! They all support us in whatever decision we make too, which is nice.

Thanks for all the supportive comments! They were really nice to read :)

I've had a few good days of little to no nausea. Of course, today - it's back. I had a training session for work today, and that was miserable. I had to disappear to the gross bathrooms for like 20 min. because I thought I was going to throw up. I ended up dry heaving a little. Yuck.

I got to leave early for my OB appointment, and that went really well! Dr. O is very nice! He fit in me in today - probably on his lunch hour and took as long as I needed answering my questions. I never felt rushed at all, which was nice. I also got another ultrasound - abdominal this time - and I got to HEAR the heartbeats!!! That was so cool!!! It was so weird that they were coming from inside me! It's jsut so weird because I really started to think I would never get pregnant. Now I am VERY pregnant, and in a way it still doesn't feel real.

Dr. O said that the perinatologist should be calling me today (he didn't) or Monday, and that if he doesn't call me on Monday, I need to call Dr. O by 3:00 before he goes on vacation so he can do something about it. I thought that was great! So, I'm pretty sure I will be staying with Dr. O even though I really can't stand the front desk. He's just so great.

The last couple of days have been rough emotionally! I of course keep thinking about reduction. It's hard for me to say right now what I'm going to do. I'm leaning toward reduction (and if you have anything bad to say about reduction, please respect me and DO NOT post any negative comments on my blog. Keep them to yourself. I don't need the extra stress right now), but my third is measuring really small. So, I really have to see what happens with it. I'm also concerned that if it does continue, there could be something wrong with it.

Thinking about reduction - having to think about it - is no fun. It is not easy at all. I tried for so long to get pregnant, and couldn't on my own, and now I have 3 and all the risks that come with that. In a way it's not fair - I stress for almost 2 years about not being able to have kids and now I have to really stress over this. I know with kids the stress never goes away, but this. This is different. Nobody wants to faced with this decision.

It amazes me that some people think, or seem to think, this is an easy decision. I've gotten a comment (not here - somewhere else) that really hurt. And also made me angry. How dare anyone judge me. If you have never been in this situation, there is no way you can judge someone who has to go through this. I understand that some are completely against reduction for religious or other personal reasons. Great! But expressing that to someone who has to decide? That really is not their place. The better way to deal with it is how Karen did in the comments of my last blog. She offered some info and warned it was biased against reduction. I went and read her blog, and it was really informative! Not judgmental and one-sided like many people who have never had to face this decision can be. I really appreciate her comment and enjoyed reading the blog. I want all the information I can get! Obviously, she chose not to reduce, but even in her blog she stressed this was the decision for her and that she wasn't judging others who go through it.

What are my reasons for leaning toward it? I know there are risks involved in having triplets. I've seen a couple shows about triplet births, and it was so sad. They all were about 2-3 pounds, born really early and most of them had to have surgery, their organs weren't completely formed, and they had to stay in the NICU for a few months. To me, that seems so awful to do to them. It broke my heart watching it.

I also, finally, talked to my OB briefly today and he did mention there is a greater risk for losing ALL of the babies if I continue with them. I know there is that risk after reduction too, so I would like to see numbers of both.

The perinatologist should be calling me tomorrow to set up an appointment. I think I will feel a little better after talking to him. At least I'll have more information.

Third Ultrasound

I was a little less nervous for this appointment, which was good because my blood pressure was down a lot. It was pretty high for the first 2 since I was so nervous!

I still have 3 in there. I'm very nervous about that. We are seriously considering reduction, but will be talking to the perinatologist. I'll find out all the facts first before we make our final decision. The small one is measuring a whole week behind the others, which is weird. But we saw all 3 heartbeats! The big 2 are getting bigger! It's crazy to see them grow!



My doctor told me that I only get to stay with them a couple more weeks! I am SO SAD! I want to stay with the REs office for the whole time! I LOVE them there! :( She also said it was important I get in by Sept. 10th so that I can get a referral to a perinatologist. I thought, no problem, I'll go over to the office now and set it up. UGH. The way this medical group is set up, it is just annoying. All offices are in a couple buildings, and the people who work the desks are incompetent. So I explain the situation, tell them I have triplets and she says, "Well the first appointment is usually between 8-12 weeks with the nurse practitioner"
Um, NO, sorry. I need to see the doc! I explain AGAIN I need to see the doc to get a referral. She says she'll leave him a message. I can tell from her typing that she did not put anything about a referral in there so I told her to add that.

It's just such a huge change from the level of service I get at my REs office. I wanted to change groups, but I can't right now since I need to be seen by the perinatologist soon. It wouldn't go through quick enough, so I'm stuck for now. It's just annoying having to deal with it!

I'm 7 weeks today! Wow!

The good news is that my spotting seems to have almost disappeared. Of course, now that I say that, I will spot again.

The bad news is I have to go into work and work with my bosses today! I do get paid extra, so that's nice, but I just hope they don't start to get suspicious. And I hope I'm not too nauseous!

I puked for the first time last night!!! I forgot how horrible puking is, but it made me feel better. Especially since I've had spotting all day yesterday, and I even had some red spotting :( I'm trying not to worry about it, and the puking did reassure me!

I've been going to another "regular" mommy board, and this one post just really bugged me. The title was "Finally Joining You" and I thought to myself, yeah it's probably another of those after 2 months of TTC I'm finally pregnant! So I click on it, and yep - Finally after 6 months of TTC I'm pregnant! What was worse was a response said, "I am always so happy for people who have been TTC a really long time when they finally get their BFP!" And there was another one quite similar.

UGH!

So of course I had to post:
"6 months is well within the normal time of TTC, and really is not that long. Just understand that there are people here who have been TTC a *really long time* and have been through fertility treatments, so we can be a bit cynical when we see the words "finally" followed by "after 6 months"

Congrats to you!! :)"

I will probably be ousted from that group, but oh well. I always have my infertile graduates group!

To the Anon comment: It's not that I'm angry that someone had an easy time getting pregnant. Not at all! It's that she used "finally" and then the other comments made me mad too. When people who have been dealing with infertility see that, it does get them upset. Not so upset that it would harm my babies! That's ridiculous (not that getting upset will really harm anything anyway)! But when I see it I roll my eyes and think "ugh!"
If you go back and read my entire blog, and then read other blogs of people who are dealing with infertility and then try to put yourself in their shoes, you can probably understand. Trust me, I didn't get upset upset, but it is one of those comments that bugs.

What a day! So early afternoon, I went to the bathroom and there was RED on the tp. And it wasn't just spotting either. It was a glob. I was SO scared. I thought this was the end. I called the doctors office and they got me in. And, we saw THREE heartbeats!!! On the first 2, she also saw the fetal pole which she didn't see last time. The third is still measuring small. I'm very scared about triplets, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. It is still early and it is measuring small, so who knows. I am just SO relieved we saw those heartbeats! I cannot tell you how scared I was! Oh, and the other weird thing is, no clue as to why I am spotting. There was no bleeding in my uterus or even on the cervix. I think it is just doing that to freak me out.

I'm spotting.

It started last night, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I find it on my pantyliner! Of course, I freaked out. I had hubby page my doctor, but she really wasn't much help. She was asleep, and I dunno - didn't seemed to concerned. I tried to sleep, but didn't really. This morning I called and left a message with the other doctor (actually the physicians assistant who has done my entire cycle and ultrasound). Hopefully she calls soon.

I guess the good news is that it isn't getting worse, and it is brownish/pinkish and just spotting. And I read some stuff about it that tries to tell you it's fine - but trust me, when it happens to YOU, it is not fine. So I'll just be freaking out until I get an ultrasound I'm sure. I just hope my little bean is ok.

Edited to add:
The doc just called. She told me not to worry since it's brown - that means it's old blood. She said just come in Thursday for my regular appt. But if it gets heavier or red to call.

I guess I should feel better after hearing her tell me not to worry, but I don't.

I found sour Jolly Ranchers! I got a little nauseous yesterday, and it seemed to help. But of course, I go and buy the sour stuff and really didn't get very nauseous at all! And then, of course, that starts to worry me!

Today we are going to see my Hubby's friend's new baby. This is the first time I will be able to stand being around them. It was really difficult before, when I wasn't pregnant. It's still difficult, because of their situation. They have 2 kids, they didn't want and couldn't really afford another, she was on birth control, and they still got pregnant! It really drove me crazy. Now, I think I'm in a position where I'll be ok. It still frustrates me, but I can deal now.

I've been pretty nauseous the last few days! It seems to be getting worse day by day. Yesterday I even dry heaved after lunch. I was really surprised nothing came up since my tummy was full - but I'm not complaining that nothing came up!

I looked into getting Preggie Pops, but they are expensive! So I think I will just get my own sour and ginger candy. A friend told me to also get the motion sickness bands, but I have a feeling they won't work.

Monday I have to work for a few hours - with my boss and coworkers - so I'll just be telling them I don't feel well. Hopefully they don't suspect anything, but they are pretty smart. I just hope it won't be too bad.

We have a heartbeat!

I was so nervous before my appointment this morning, I can't even tell you! Then, my mind was put at ease! She saw 1 in there right away, was measuring exactly 6 weeks, and I saw the heartbeat! It was tiny and precious! I asked her if she was sure there was only 1, so she looked again and found another one. This one was hard to see since it was at the top of my uterus. She saw the yolk sack, but couldn't see a heartbeat since it was hard to see. Then, she found a third sack, but this one is much much smaller than the other 2, so it probably won't be viable. I get to go back next week for another ultrasound and we will be able to see if there are 2 in there for sure! So please, think 1 or 2 for me, no more than that!

Such a relief to see the heartbeat. And I cried when I saw it. I just couldn't believe there is this tiny heartbeat in me! It's crazy. It took a long time, and I've been through a lot, and totally worth it.

The not so great news is that I have 2 cysts, 1 on each ovary, and 1 is quite large. I'm on pelvic rest and can't do anything high impact, which is fine. I'm hoping they just go away and don't rupture.

A picture of my little bean (she said next week if there is more than 1, I will get a picture of them):

1 more day!! I can't wait!!! I'm nervous and excited. I think today will go by very slow. I have been taking naps, which does make the time go by faster, but I'm not sure I van stay awake until the afternoon to take a nap. If I take a nap now, the day won't go by as fast. I wish it was tomorrow already! :)

3 more days until my ultrasound! I hope they go by quickly! Nothing much to report. I'm still tired, I'm still peeing a lot, yesterday I was a little nauseous for much of the day. I'm trying to read less so I don't freak myself out, and I'm also trying not to think about any bad things. It does help. Of course, I still worry, but I try to put those thoughts out of my mind.

Thanks for the comment! My OB right now is Dr. O'Hara. Did he deliver you? I was thinking of switching because I know there would be a chance that the other one in the office (forget his name right now) would deliver me, and I really don't want him to. I'm not sure when I'll switch over to the OB, but I'm sure I'll find out on Thursday. Honestly, I wish I could just have my RE the whole time, but I know - her job is to GET people pregnant. I just really like her and everyone in that office a lot.

I had more symptoms last night, so that was nice :) Even though I woke up to go to the bathroom and got super dizzy, at least something was happening!

I have way too much time on my hands. All I'm doing is freaking out! Actually, I go through periods where I'm fine, not freaking out, then boom! Freak out! I'm trying to tell myself that it's fine - I'm still thirsty, peeing a lot, and am tired. I can't help think I should have more symptoms though. Even though tons of people have told me they never had symptoms until week 6 or 7. Not sure how I will make it 6 more days!!

A few of you from NI have commented here :) I will "come out" on NI sometime. Maybe after the first u/s? I'm not sure. Of course, enough people know now, but I don't quite yet feel comfortable "coming out"

This week is going to really drag by. Hopefully, it won't go by TOO slow! I do have stuff for work I need to do, but I just can't get any motivation to do it! And I do not want to start work again. While I love summer vacation, the end of it is always the worst!

Oh, thanks for all the great comments :)

It still doesn't feel quite real. It's amazing that it is finally my turn. Of course, I'm still worried, but I'm trying not to stress at all. I have to remind myself that just because I don't have too many symptoms yet, that is normal and ok. 9 days until my ultrasound!

I haven't been able to sleep well for the past 2 nights. Last night, I woke up at 12:30 and didn't get back to sleep until 1:30. Tonight, I was up at 1:30 but got back to sleep. Of course now, I'm up at 5 am. I decided to get up, hoping that when I go back to bed I can fall back asleep. I'm just uncomfortable when I wake up too. Weird, because I'm so tired.

Phew!

I was sooooooo nervous today! Especially since my boobs have stopped hurting today. I finally got the call a little while ago, and everything is great! My beta was 1600!

August 9th is my first ultrasound :)

The nurse at my clinic made me feel a little better. I was super nervous this morning, since today is my second beta. I told her I was nervous, and first she thought I was nervous about having multiples! I said no, I'm nervous because I want it to stick!

She then told me I had a really good number and that usually with IUI's they do not see numbers that high. Usually, they see numbers in the hundreds or a little lower. So, that made me feel a little better. Of course, I'm still a bit nervous though. Doesn't help that I woke up this morning and my boobs aren't really sore - even when I squeeze them. Never mind the fact I woke up in the middle of the night and felt super nauseous and just uncomfortable. Today is going to be another long day.

Another day down, one more full day to go! I have been stressing less, which is good. I also have been having some symptoms: peeing all the time, extremely thirsty, somewhat sore boobs. I actually didn't think they were sore, and then I squeezed them. Ow! Right now I'm a bit nauseous, have gas, and am bloated! Bring it on!!! :)

Someone asked to explain what a beta is, so here is an explanation. Basically, it is the blood test they do to detect Hcg in your blood. The beta gets a number, which tells you how MUCH is in your blood. They repeat the beta after a couple days to detrming the doubling times. Normal pregnancies will double every 72 hours.
Here is a link:
Beta Numbers

My last chemical pregnancy I had a beta of 14 - really low, and it ended soon after. This one is much better, 311. It is definitely a good number. Of course now, I have to NOT stress about if it will double. I have to wait until Monday to see, and I am so trying NOT to stress, but I am a stress case. I'm trying not to think about any absence of symptoms or anything, but I always start to think about it. I just need to slap myself! :)

And the Results Are In!

I have been waiting all day. I've been going out of my mind too!! So, I just got the call from my doctor. Here is how the conversation went:

doc: Congratulations!

me: What? (I really didn't know what she was saying, why is she congratulating me??)

doc: you are pregnant!

me: What? Oh my god? REALLY??

Then I think she was laughing at me :)

I asked her what my number was and she said it was really good, 311! WAY better than my 14 last time! So I go back in on Monday for my next beta. Oh I hope it goes up appropriately!

I still can't believe it.

Beta Day

Well, I went and got my blood drawn. Now I wait. That's always fun! I also always get paranoid when I go for blood draws. I always think they are going to mess up. Today, she had 2 tubes. I thought they only took 1 for betas?? That was the only thing checked on my sheet. I asked her, but her answer didn't make sense. I sometimes wonder how much the techs actually know about what each test is. She didn't seem to know what it was, which is odd to me.

2 Days till B-day.

Yes, it's going by really slow. At this point, not sure what to think. I had some cramps yesterday and then last night I woke up with cramps :( I'm TRYING not to think about anything my body is doing, but it is really hard. I'm on break right now, so all I have been doing is sitting at home. That gives me a lot of time to think about every little thing my body is doing, or not doing! Luckily, I do have the new Harry Potter book to keep me busy!

I have also been taking my temp the last few days, just because I was curious! I know injects can mess with the temps, but I was curious. And it has been high. But I'm trying not to think about any of this!!!

So let's see, what else can I ramble on about to keep my mind off things? Harry Potter is excellent! Very dark, I love it. I'm a little more than halfway through. All my friends are farther along than me, so we can't yet discuss the book, and that sucks. I also went to see the new Harry Potter movie this past weekend. I was disappointed. I knew before I went that they had cut a lot out. I was prepared, but I was still disappointed. I think they could have done a better job. I was mad that they basically cut Kreacher out of the movie. They showed him a couple times, but he played a large role! And in the new book he also plays a large role, so they really should not have cut him out of the movie. Do they even consult Rowling when writing the script for the movie I wonder? The movie just seemed disjointed and I wondered if someone (like my husband) went to see the movie and had not read the book, would they understand? And he did understand, but he did not get everything of course since they cut so much out. Honestly, I think they should've cut down the part with Dumbledore's Army practicing, and put in Neville's part.

Three days 'till beta. Gulp!

I did like the discussion about herbal teas and diet in the book Inconceivable. She was told to drink rasberry tea to aid with fertility. I was interested in finding out more, so I just did a search on pregnancy and teas. Well, it turns out you should NOT drink rasberry tea if you are pregnant. Should also NOT drink hibiscous, chammomile, and some others. They are actually used for making miscarriages. So I'm guessing she only drank this before ovulation?? I certainly hope so! Too bad she didn't write any of this in her book.

So, I finished the book. I have mixed emotions about it. In one way, it is inspiring! However, it came off to me like she was preaching about changing your diet and doing visualization INSTEAD of medical intervention. Well, honestly, she got LUCKY when she had her second baby. Her FSH was 30 when she conceived. Yes, she lowered it by her diet and herbs, but it wasn't just that.

I'm convinced that there is something else that goes on when you conceive. You can have the most perfect timing, nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with the sperm, and still not conceive. And other times, you do conceive. I don't think the numbers have everything to do with it, but neither does diet and visualization. If it did, the drug addicts and junk food addicts would never get pregnant. But they do. Plenty.

At the very end of the book, she does talk about listening to your body, and doing what YOU believe is best. This I agree with! I wish that message had come across clearer throughout the entire book. It didn't though - it was more say no to medical intervention! And I really don't agree with that.

So overall, I'm glad I read her book. It wasn't as great as many had made it out to be, but it was a good read and a bit inspiring.

On a side note, I decided to try to eat yogurt again today. I haven't been able to eat it since I started taking metformin, but I figured, hey, it should be fine, I've been taking the metformin a long time. So I got all natural granola and made a parfait thing. It did not sit well with me!! I was on the toilet and now I have horrible heartburn! Guess I cannot have yogurt ever. It's weird because other dairy I an handle just fine.

I ordered some books from Amazon, and they arrived today! I started reading one of the books I ordered, Inconcievable by Julia Indichova. An hour later, I've read over half of it! I like hte book, easy to read. There is a lot I can relate to, however, she is talking about secondary infertility. To me, that is very different from primary infertility. Yes, she went through many of my same emotions, and she does know how lucky she is to have her daughter at home. But I think I would rather read a book like this about a woman going through primary infertility.

Now, I haven't read the whole thing, but another part is sort of bugging me. She talks a lot about alternative medicine - which I am all for! I liked her descriptions of people she went to who she didn't have confidence in. It reminded me a lot of myself! The part I'm at now, she has changed her diet and is doing yoga - both are great! I used to do yoga religiously! I've also changed my diet drastically since my early twenties. But I guess the part that is really bugging me is that SO many women get pregnant who do NOT eat healthy, who do eat processed foods, and are even drug addicts! Sure, I accept that eating healthy will increase your chances, but no way is it the only way. If it was, a crap load of women who are getting pregnant out there would not be.

Perhaps some bodies are more sensitive than others, but it cannot only be about diet. I do want to look into yoga again. I love yoga, but my gym doesn't offer it at good times anymore. It's hard for me to pay for yoga classes, I always think I can use my money for better purposes. I don't like doing yoga at home really. Going to a class helps me get through it, plus I like the guided meditation at the end. Maybe I'll see if there are cheaper studios.

As I think more and more about it, I really think last time I did injects I did not ovulate. This time, I had the ovulation pain, plus I feel like I normally feel after I ovulate. I've also had really sore boobs. Last time, I did not feel like I had ovulated.

This is going to be a long two week wait! I am on break with nothing to do! Yesterday I couldn't believe I was only 3 dpo! Seems like the IUI was much longer ago.

I'm pretty sure the pain I was having yesterday was ovulation, or getting ready to ovulate. It's almost completely subsided today. Still a little pain, but nothing like yesterday! I'm still bloated though - not quite as much as yesterday. Hopefully all of the follies ovulated and none turn into cysts!

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I thought of something really witty to blog about. Of course, I didn't write it down so I totally forgot what it was. So I will continue with unwitty and practical posts :)

My husband is gone until Tuesday. His grandmother was just diagnosed with lung cancer and given about 3 weeks to live. She's been having a lot of health problems. She is 85 and has had a good life, but it is still sad. I'm glad I got to meet her and spend time with her prior to this. She is a very cool lady and even at 85, still not taking crap from her husband! She has a great sense of humor, and just a great lady.

The IUI was today! I was scared once again that I had already ovulated because since Tuesday, I've been having pain in my right ovary. She did the ultrasound, and I had not ovulated, so that was good! She did say they grew a bit, so that could be why. Also, I'm probably getting ready to ovulate, so that could be another reason. I had about 3 follies on each side that will ovulate.

We had 99 mil sperm this time! Great number. I told hubby it was because of the vitamins - I've been home to make sure he takes them this time - but he wasn't buying that.

The actual IUI was more painful this time. There was cramping when she put the catheter in, then more cramping as she injected the sperm. Even after she took it out, I was still cramping a bit, and felt bloated. However, I think this may be a good thing, I'm hoping! Now, I'm feeling really bloated, pain still on my side, and just not feeling great at all. It's a good thing I'm on break right now.

So now the lovely 2 week wait! I really hope this is the one.

Yesterday I had an u/s and my follies were looking good! I had about 6-7 that looked like they would go. I had another u/s today, and I am set to go!! She found about 5 that looked large enough to go, but I have a feeling there might be 1-2 more that were hiding. So tonight I do ganirelix and my trigger. I go in Thursday morning for the IUI! I need lots of luck and NO CYST vibes!

Ok, had u/s and b/w today! Have a lot of little follies, with about 2 measuring at 10 or 11 right now. My Estrogen is at 195 which is good. Last time, when I over responded, it was over 400! I go in tomorrow for b/w only and then based on that, we will see when I go in for another u/s.

So, I need lots of positive thoughts this cycle! This HAS to be the one!

Sunday, I called my doctor's office to start my new cycle. I know they told me before to call on the weekend. So I talked to the answering service and all they told me was to call back the next day. Yeah, real helpful! I was freaking out because I had jury duty today. They scheduled me at 3:30, and I hoped I would be out by then.

I sat around jury duty all day. I had a book to read, but those chairs are not comfy!! We got a 2 hour lunch, but they said they needed us back. Then, 1 1/2 hours after lunch, at 3 pm, they said they didn't need us, we were done. I was gettig worried! That was cutting it close! But I made it to my appointment.

So this cycle I'm taking 100 of the follistim. They know 125 is too much, and last time when they dropped it low, my E2 also went low, so she is hoping this is the perfect dose!
I'll go in Thursday for blood and ultrasound.

I do need to get my head in a better place though. I'm pretty depressed about it right now, and not happy I have to do injects again.

Today is 14 dpo. I decided to test today. I know I ovulated, my temps were high, and I started to feel how I felt on my pregnancy cycle - in the early days. So, I was feeling somewhat hopeful, though I tried to not be too hopeful. The test was negative. Completely negative. So now I wait for AF and will start injects again.

I'm still here! I'm fine. This was my "break" month in a way because of the cysts. I really didn't have anything to say, which is why no posts!

Had an appointment a few weeks ago and my cysts had gone down, was taken off pelvic rest. I'm pretty sure I ovulated, but my chart is funky so I'm not sure when I ovulated. Pretty sure if my temp stays up it will give cross hairs in the WRONG place. I'll be ordering my injects for next cycle soon, sometime this week.

jpsully:

You probably did O *some* of the eggs, but not the ones that turned into cysts - that's my understanding.

Had my ultrasound today. Bad news - cysts! I don't know how many I had, but I think it was more than 2! However, I did find out from the wonderful ladies at Lounge Place, that you get a cyst when the follie doesn't ovulate. So, that really makes me feel better. It was awful to think I had 9 eggs, 59 million sperm and nothing.

So, I'm taking this month off. I'm currently on "pelvic rest" which means no sex, and - even worse - no tampons!! I really hope af stops SOON. I do not like pads. I am going back in 1 week to see how the cysts are doing and so I can hopefully get off pelvic rest. My RE said I could still ovulate this cycle, so we may still have a chance - if I ovulate on my own. I have ovulated the first 2 months of metformin, so it is a possibility!

Negative. NEGATIVE! WTF?? I had 9 follies and 59 million sperm! My RE couldn't believe it either. This sucks. It is SO unfair. How the hell do I get pregnant last cycle, with Oing late, ONE day of bding. Sure, it ended in chemical, but I still got pg. Now this cycle, 9 follies, IUI and NOTHING?!? I just feel like everything in the universe is working against me.

B-Day

Yes, it's Beta Day! I'm extremely nervous! Now I sort of wish I had an HPT laying around. I can't believe how nervous I am.

Great. Just lovely! A student asked me today if I was pregnant! Now, I've gotten this before, but it comes at a time where I AM bloated from the injects and I'm having that ovary issue, and I think I do look pregnant because of the bloat and a little extra weight I'm carrying. Of course I would love to say all this, but I can't, especially since it was a 7th grader! So I just glared at her and said, "No, I'm not" Now, I will give her this: her reaction was good. I've had students who didn't get that it was rude to ask that. But this student did say sorry and then said something else I blocked out because I tried to ignore her after that! It seems like in every two week wait, somebody asks some inappropriate question.

My last two week wait, a consultant I work with (who comes into town about 4 times a year) asked me how my baby was doing. I said, "Um, I don't have any kids" and he swore I did. All the time I was thinking, "HOPEFULLY I'm pregnant, but why the hell did you have to say that??"

The other day I was feeling hopeful about this cycle, I mean, 9 eggs!! But now I'm feeling less hopeful, and I don't want to get my hopes up. It's no fun when they get crushed.

5 more days.

I heard back from my nurse! She said it sounded like normal symptoms after injects. She said if the symptoms get worse, call, but since they are getting better it is probably ok. I just wish it would go away! It is a real pain (literally) to deal with, especially at work! Good thing I'm not in the classroom anymore!

One more week until my beta!

A few days ago, I was having some discomfort - I could feel my uterus. Didn't really hurt, but wasn't the most comfortable. So I got some advice and started drinking more fluids. That seemed to do the trick and it went away. Yesterday, I was pretty much fine. Then at night I started having some sharp pains in my ovary area, but thought nothing of it. Now today. My right side has been hurting all day. The worst is when I go to stand up, or I move funny. I had a cyst (and it actually ruptured) back in high school, and this is sort of what it feels like. So, I'm not too happy. If it doesn't get better, I'm calling the doc on Monday. I just hope it doesn't get worse! I know discomfort is normal, but I'm so worried about cysts or anything else!

This great site was posted on Lounge Place, and I thought I'd share it! This is a great resource to send your friends and family to. It informs them about infertility and even tells them not to tell you to relax!

http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

I tried making it into a link, but when I did that, it didn't show up at all. Not sure what's going on there, so you will just have to copy and paste!

I'm a little nervous! I went in for the IUI, and the RE did an ultrasound. It looks like I have 9 follies that will ovulate! 9! She said she was a little nervous, but went ahead with the IUI. She also told me that in 17 years of doing this, she has only had 1 set of quints and 1 set of quads. So, that is better than if she had a LOT. She also said she would be surprised if I DIDN'T get pregnant this cycle. She also banned us from having sex. But, as soon as I saw 9 I thought to myself, "No way we are having sex!" Especially when his post wash was 59 million.

I just keep worrying, and I shouldn't. I SHOULD trust her. She is the professional. It doesn't help that everywhere online I look, other doctors cancel at 6. Which I do think is really conservative. I just hope only 1 or 2 take.

Triggered

Yes, I am up at 3 am writing this! I just had to do my trigger inject. I am SO glad I looked it up online to see if I could let the inject be room temp! The pharmacy said to refrigerate so I thought I would have to use it straight out of the fridge. That would have hurt! But it said that you can store it for up to 1 month as long as you use it within that month. So I set it out before going to bed. Going in, it started to sting a tiny bit, but I just went slower and it was fine. It definitely would have hurt if it was cold!

So now, no more injects today, and then Monday afternoon, I go in for the IUI!

I had a good RE appointment today! I'm going to have probably 6-7 good eggs. I'm a little nervous about it, but my RE seemed ok with it. She said twins are fine, but anything more is not - and I agree! She also said the clinic only has to do 1 selective reduction a year, so that is good too.

So anyway, tonight I am only doing Ganirelix, since I am responding SO well to Follistim and I don't need any more! My largest follie is 19. I have an 18 I think and a few 17. Tomorrow night I do Ganirelix and then at 3 am (yes, 3 AM!) I trigger! Monday I have my IUI at 3:00 pm. I'm excited! I'm really excited that I got to schedule a beta and so I won't have to POAS!! I know not everyone will understand my excitement at NOT peeing on a stick, but some of you can! I would rather not get my hopes up by seeing 2 pink lines. Or even worse - the word "pregnant" on it and then it turning out badly.

I am excited, and a bit nervous, for Monday!

So the Ganirelix did not hurt one bit tonight! I was able to do it quick. Now the funny part is, the Follistim did hurt a little! Now that I look at where I did it, I think I may have done it too close to where I hit the blood vessel. I thought I was far enough away, but it looks like I am pretty close. But honestly, it didn't hurt THAT bad. And I am a wimp. I really hope my blog can be reassuring to anyone who is scared of doing injects. I am a total wimp, and I can do it!

I have more blood work and an ultra sound in the morning! I'm hoping I will trigger soon! I'm a little worried since I'm not sure if I got my dose of Follistim! The directions said that if you run out, the plunger will stop and you can just see how much more you need, and put in a new cartridge. Well, the plunger didn't stop. But then I did the math and it doesn't add up. I had a 600 IU cartridge and have used 625 IU. But, there is no way I'm giving myself more just in case! I guess the worst that will happen is that my follies don't grow enough and I have an extra day of injects.

So I had an ultrasound yesterday and today! Yesterday, they told me to start Ganirelix, and I was freaked because it is a new sort of shot and I was just freaking myself out. Well, it was no big deal! Today I went in and it looks like I'll have 5 good eggs. My largest one is 14 right now and the other big ones are from 11-13. I will go in Friday for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. I told the PA that I only have 4 days of Ganirelix left, and she said that was fine, so I'm thinking that I will trigger soon!

I'm really excited for this cycle. Even though I'm still depressed about the miscarriage, it does make me more excited for this cycle because I know I CAN get pregnant. I'm going to have more targets for the spermies and I'm doing IUI, so that ups the chances as well.I'm in a much better place than I was last weekend.

I totally freaked myself out this weekend! Saturday night was my second night of injects. I stuck myself, and it hurt more than the previous night, but still not bad. Well, about an hour later I look down and I have a gigantic bruise, only it didn't really look like a bruise to me! It was swollen a little and looked awful. On top of that, I was feeling nauseous (I also felt nauseous the first night). I often freak out at things and think the worst is happening, so naturally, I thought was dying!

The next day I called the doc and unfortunately, my doc was not on call. So the other one called me back and first he had no idea about the nausea. Said he had never heard of that before. Sigh. Then, he said bruising was normal but if it gets worse or I want them to see it, go in. So he was really not much help. Oh, and he pretty much said the nausea was in my head - which is WAS NOT. So of course I went right over to Lounge Place and asked about these symptoms. I swear, sometimes the doctors just aren't the best to get info from ;) Anyway, as usual, the ladies there were SO helpful, and nausea IS one of the side effects, it says on the Follistim web page even! But they made me feel a lot better!

I had a feeling I would react strongly to the meds. I got a call from my doctor today, I had gone in for blood work, and yes, I indeed was responding VERY well! So they told me to dial down my dose from 125 to 50! And I am going in tomorrow for my ultrasound instead of Wednesday. I just hope I don't have TOO many follies!

I did it! I actually injected myself last night! I am probably the biggest chicken in the world. I am really proud of myself because I never thought I would be able to inject myself! It was pretty funny, AFTER the fact, of course, not during. It took me about 30 min. of lying there with my pinched belly skin between my fingers and the needle pointed at it before I could actually do it. So many times I almost did it, then stopped myself. So finally, I did do it, and it was NOTHING! I didn't even feel it!

So I will inject myself each night. Monday I go in for blood work, then Wednesday I go in for blood work and an ultrasound. I'm just hoping I don't prode too MANY eggs. I know that can happen in PCOS women.

Thanks for the comments everyone! They were nice to hear :)

Yesterday, I was pretty much fine all day. Went to the RE, had an ultrasound, everything is fine for injects! So, I start them tonight. I'm nervous. But, I'll get through it.

I was actually feeling a bit odd yesterday because I was so FINE. I took yesterday off of work (as well as half of Wed.) and felt bad since I was doing fine. Well, today I went in and it was really hard. It's so weird because I will be fine and then all of a sudden- out of nowhere- I will start tearing up! I was in a meeting all day so that was rough. I came home at lunch and while I was eating, just started crying. My hubby was there and that was nice. He actually said that yesterday he was shocked at how ok I was. Of course, today not good.

Then, things kept coming up. I was talking to a colleague and mentioned it was my b-day, she asked how old I was (she thought I was much younger, that is what started this), and then she asked me, "So are you at a place right now where you hoped/thought you'd be at by this point in your life?" Wow, it took me all I had to NOT start crying. She had no idea just what she was asking. I wanted to scream, "NO! I thought I'd have a BABY right now! But even that got taken away from me!" Of course I didn't and somehow managed to keep it together. Then, at the end of the day one of the consultants of course mention how she will be returning to New Zealand because her sister or someone just had a baby! And actually had it today! I was the only person NOT smiling when she said this. That was awful. But I made it. Now, I have to make it through my injects, which I know I will, and actually now it doesn't seem AS scary as it did before I got that + pregnancy test. I can deal with a little bit of physical pain. It will last 2 seconds, and actually hopefully get me a lifetime of happiness in the end. Hopefully.